It took me fifteen minutes of sitting beside him in silence but I finally had the courage to truly be honest with him.  What a difference from a month ago when I spent five hours in absolute terror trying to get the courage to talk.

I told him I felt that he was unhappy with me.  That I was trapping him in the apartment.  That he was miserable.

He told me that he was unhappy but he’s always been unhappy.  I said there were times when we were happy and he said all good things comes to an end, but it wasn’t me that was making him unhappy.  I wasn’t inspiring him or providing him with peace or making him happy, but I wasn’t making him miserable.

(just to take a break to say there was a time where hearing that I wasn’t making him happy would have devastated me, as I would remember the times he told me how happy he was that I was there in his life to fill his void.  Now it didn’t hurt at all.  My only emotion was happiness that he was being honest with me.  I’ve accepted that I no longer make him happy.  It’s okay.)

I told him that I had been in despair before thinking he was miserable and feeling trapped and I was trying to figure out ways of bringing him out of his misery. I also added that I wasn’t in that state anymore and I’m feeling fine now. He told me that he didn’t feel trapped and wasn’t miserable, just unhappy, and I didn’t have to make him unmiserable

That was such a weight off my shoulders.

He said he was fine with the way things are for now (us moving through our routine mostly doing our own stuff saying very little to each other). I am as well. FOR NOW.  The plan is he leaves around the end of January when his job fields starts hiring or he leaves for his home country a couple of months after that.  He needs a place to stay until then and as long as things remain civil between us, I’m okay with him here until then.

We are talking more comfortably now, even though it’s mostly superficial and just the necessities.  No more jokes or affectional talk, but that’s for the best.   Seeing how this relationship isn’t bringing us happiness anymore, and I think this stoic ending is the best way to go.  (Plus as much as I miss our jokes and affectional talk, it’s wonderful not having to deal with constant criticism and negativity.)  I’m going to continue to concentrate on my healing and myself and have another trip to see my sister.  What a relief.  Last trip I was anxious about leaving him and not being here if something goes wrong in the apartment.  Now I’m just going to go and enjoy it.

I’m feeling grateful for the conversation, grateful for him, grateful for this forum and the amazing people who helped me reached sanity so I’m at a place where I could talk honestly with him and be okay to let him go.  

I know there’s a long road to recovery and there’s still a month or more with him here where things can still go wrong and my anxiety can still spike, but overall, I’m feeling a lot more solid than I did three months ago.

Thank-you.  

(P.S. just wanted to clarify, as much as I could have continued ignoring him and working on my healing, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I wanted to tell him that if he was feeling miserable and trapped, he could leave.  I don’t know if that’s codependent or not, but man, the need to say, “dude, I ain’t keeping prisoners!  Go if you’re not happy!” was strong in me.  I’m glad I did.  I feel a lot better.)