I can relate, for some reason my stbx would suck all the joy out of every special occasion, especially Christmas. I used to love Christmas, the lights, decorating the house, but he would be such a bastard(escuse the language) about, he literally ruined it for me. I'm trying to take it back now. I don't listen to his words or his garbage anymore. They have no validity or worth. I don't know if this will help, but maybe try ignoring the aniversary, he's probably just waiting for you to do something nice, to want to celebrate, then to crush it. Take that power from him. Just a thought. Take care of you!!!

i'm sorry to hear you're going through this. i hope it goes okay. so sorry that you are dealing iwth this. do you feel you have a support system, or something like faith or counseling you can turn to?

here's a hug and a prayer from me.

Confront him. If he hates being married to you then grant him a divorce. Ask him if he wants a divorce, if he says yes then go see a divorce lawyer; if he says no then tell him to shut the f**k up. Make a scene in front of family, friends and strangers. Don't be embarrassed, he is the one being an ass. Bet he will be shocked and tongue tied by your response. Teach him how to treat you by fighting back. If I were you, I would have the divorce paper ready. Hope you free yourself from this disease. It is your life and 19 years in his prison is enough. You have done your time and it is time to get out.

Echoing menasue. It's simple yet so hard at the same time. I would (in a very detached manner) inform him of the following (if I were you): "It's very simple. I will not be treated like shit. If you cannot have the simple loving respect to be kind and loving on our anniversary, this will be our last one. I love you. You will not treat me like crap." If you gauge that he blows you off, then you will have to make the decision on whether or not you will follow through.

You know what gets me, there are so many embittered married couples who've been married for decades that are only together because "God hates divorce". What they fail to understand is that He hates it because of the devastation it does to the human spirit. Problem is your spirit is already devastated from what I've read.

possumlady, this is truly a hard thing to be going through. Give him an informed opportunity to make a change for the better. Put the ball in his court. As dumb-founding as it may seem he may not realize how he's coming across. Spell it out for him. Stick to your guns. There may be hope yet.

I would control myself. Since 19 years of marriage or holidays always have the same result. Why not do something totally different for your SELF, or with a friend, who would actually appreciate you for who you are. Codependency is about letting go of bad behavior. I don't think confrontation in front of his family would do anything but cause more drama. Nobody will end up happy in that scenario. That could actually turn ugly with people taking sides.

"People may not remember what you did or what you said, they will remember how you made them feel."

Acceptance is when you know this person will do this. You know you have no control over their actions. You accept them.....as they happen.....and control your reaction. Realizing you can't control this person. If it gets to be too abusive, make the next decision you need to maintain your own serenity. Codependency is about understanding YOU not him. He'll always do what he does. Your response is where recovery lives. Realizing you have no control. Surrender it over to your Higher Power as it happens, and wait for the miracle.

Frankly, I would announce I had no intention of celebrating with him. I would find a ALA-NON meeting and attend it, in honor of my own recovery, from these abusive holiday......

HAVE A HOLIDAY ON HOLIDAYS!

Obviously he doesn't like them, so why not celebrate with some people who will?

This is what I'm talking about....

I found this online today
Tuesday, September 28, 2010 | An Inspiring story
By Stephanie Tweito Jacob Sep 27th 2010 4:30PM
Categories: Healthy Living, Better Body Better Living
Aristotle said fulfillment and contentment are pathways to happiness. Those enjoyable-sounding trails, however, are often muddied by roadblocks, says M.J. Ryan, executive coach and author of "The Happiness Makeover." The good news is you can learn to navigate the obstacles. "Studies show that, on average, around 50 percent of happiness can be cultivated in ourselves and 50 percent is innate," she says. "Some people have a higher or lower set point than others, but everyone can learn to be happier by actions that they take."

It does take work -- you're essentially retraining thought processes that have been around as long as you have. "You're not going to change from a pessimist to an optimist over night," cautions Ryan. "But even someone who is chemically depressed can feel less depressed."

The first step is to know what may be standing in your way and then learn how to reroute yourself. Here, some of the most common roadblocks to happiness and a guide for getting around them.

Expecting the worst all the time.
Does the phrase "if I expect the worst, then I won't be let down" cross your mind on a regular basis? Imagining a bad outcome elicits negative emotions like worry and fear that, in turn, ignite the stress response that floods our bodies with cortisone and adrenaline, says Ryan. When that stress response is chronically turned on, it not only wears down your body's immune system, but it also zaps your chance of experiencing a positive feeling, like happiness. "You can't have a negative emotion and a positive emotion simultaneously," says Ryan. "It's physiologically not possible."

All you're doing by worrying or anticipating something that isn't happening (and may never happen) "is keeping the stress response turned on way high and not enjoying whatever you could enjoy in that moment," says Ryan. Essentially, you're cheating yourself out of happiness.

Passing the buck.
If you feel you deserve to be happy and your [insert kid, parent, spouse, job, car or new pair of shoes here] is supposed to make you happy, keep reading. "There's absolutely positive proof that that's just not true," says Ryan. "For a moment something else can actually boost us up, but it's only a matter of time before we're looking for the next thing." It's an insatiable cycle that won't result in long-term happiness.

Not convinced? Think of it conversely. "We always used to believe that if terrible things happened, we'd be miserable forever, right? In fact, people who've had terrible things happen dip down for a while, but eventually they return to the level of happiness they had before," Ryan says. "Happiness isn't about our circumstances as much as we think it is."

Rather, your happiness is your own responsibility. Try turning your focus within: What are the gifts that I have, who am I and what do I have uniquely to offer, and when I go and offer that, I feel better and happier. "That's essentially what Aristotle meant by fulfillment," says Ryan. "It has nothing to do with anyone else or anything."

Thinking life should be perfect -- and yours isn't.
For starters, the world isn't perfect. So you're fighting a losing battle if you think yours can be. If you're always in a state of discontent -- reveling in what's wrong with, or missing from or undesirable about your life, you're probably not thinking about what is actually good about it. "Ask yourself three questions at the end of the day," says Ryan. "What am I thankful for today? What did I enjoy today? And what am I satisfied about today? And you can't say 'nothing.' You have to come up with something."

The point is to focus on what you do have -- be it pets, relationships, experiences, favorite places -- so you don't have to think about what you don't have. "It shines a flashlight of awareness about what's good and whole and enjoyable in our lives rather than the want, want, want. I want this; I don't have that."

Research has even shown that a regular practice of gratitude -- simply asking yourself questions like those above -- has been found to decrease depression, even in severely depressed people.

Not thinking of others. Ever.
It turns out being generous can make you happier. You don't have to have a million dollars to donate to the charity of your choice to reap the benefits, either. People who simply do five small random acts of kindness -- putting a quarter in someone else's parking meter or opening the door for someone -- have been found to be happier than those who don't, says Ryan. "In doing these things, we activate the part of our brains that give us a little endorphin boost so we feel better."

Expecting life to be fair.
Life isn't fair. And fretting about the lack of fairness that exists essentially leads to comparing yourself, your life or your situation to someone else's and then feeling worse about yourself, your life or your situation. The trick isn't to stop comparing, says Ryan, because there's a part of the brain that can't help but compare -- it's to compare well. In other words, try what's called a downward comparison. For example, if being treated unfairly by a friend or spouse or boss has you upset, try thinking, "Well, at least I'm not [going hungry]." It helps you understand that, relatively speaking, your situation may not be so bad. "Your brain is going to compare, so you might as well have it compare in the direction that's going to make you happier, rather than miserable," says Ryan. "You will actually feel better."

Bonus: It may also make you more giving. "People who downward compare are more generous than others because they recognize their relative well-offness and then want to help others as a result," says Ryan.

The bottom line.
The trick with all of these is to catch yourself on the negative-thinking road and make a choice to think about it differently instead. "You want to build the positive habits like a road that exists alongside the negative ones," Ryan says. "It's there -- your stress, worry, anger -- whatever it is, but you're building another way of looking at life, approaching life, dealing with people. It's substituting those thoughts for more wholesome thoughts."

Oh boy can I relate to this!! I am so sorry for what you are going through!
Last year on our 28th Anniversary I suggested we go out to dinner with our grown up kids too to hopefully make it a more pleasant experience, and we had not got even a mile from our house when my husband started a major fight with me over nothing.
Luckily I was the one driving, so I turned around and drove the car home. Everyone took off in various directions to get away from the unpleasantness, and I spent the night at home alone on my own. My husband came back sometime the next day. ( I wouldn't be surprised if he had spent the night with someone else)
Well I finally asked him to move out in July last year because I could not take any more of his behaviour, and tomorrow should be our 29th anniversary and I will be celebrating it by working on our divorce papers.
My life is a whole lot better without him in it. I can finally come home to a peaceful home and not have to walk on eggshells any more, wondering when the volcano will erupt. My kids and I can actually enjoy spending time together laughing and being happy. It is wonderful!
I am not saying this is the solution for everyone but it is the best thing I have done for myself in a looong time!!

Thanx everyone for your helpful comments. It seems that everyone is stronger than I am. Have you always been like that or is it something you grow in as you go thru recovery? So often I think to myself after the fact "I wish I had said this or that,I should have stood up for myself and not just took it." But at the time I feel overwhelmed and intimidated. When he starts to raise his voice at me it's like I lose my thoughts and my voice. I seem to just disappear. I guess this is something I need to grow in.

This doesn't happen easily. We must work on ourselves. If we don't situations will never change. The definition of insanity is to keep doing what you've always done, that doesn't work....over and over.....

I had to find a different path. Every role model and adult figure I grew up with was dysfunctional. So I've heard the screaming, the put downs, I've been through it all.

I had to decide what my value was. I had to read and learn and go to meetings. It's not easy. It's not about confronting the abuser, the alcoholic, the addict. It's about accepting them as they are. Then, with this knowledge it doesn't surprise you when they RAGE, DRINK, or DRUG. The difference has to be my reaction. They'll do what they always do. When you don't play the game any longer, they get confused, they don't understand what you are doing. They don't have to know ....you do.

This has to come from within yourself. Saying to God or your Higher Power, I can't control this situation, I'm turning the result over to you. You literally surrender this over, realizing your control over someone else is futile. It just won't work.
Surrender is quiet and the result may take time, the more you do this the easier it becomes.

Ah, so true. The one thing I haven't been able to do is surrender. I so desperately want to defend myself against his angry words, I turn myself inside out to do whatever I think will appease him. Perhaps this Easter is a great time to hand it over to God and let Him look after me. Thanx for the reminder!

Hi possum, you have some great feedback in the replies above and I am glad to see that it is helping you. I don't have anything to add but I really just wanted to send you some good wishes and good thoughts to help you get through your anniversary day. Take care :)