First let me say Im sorry someone took advantage of you. And Im sure this will be a life lesson for you. But while having an office romance is not the best solution that is not really where you made a huge mistake. Let me explain (and I speak from experience unfortunately)

Never divulge intimate personal info about yourself to a stranger. Because if you happen to be talking to a psychopathic personality (like this guy), he will use it against you (as he did). Been there done that. Trust me. Part of curing codependency is establishing good boundaries. That street goes both ways. Dont show your hand in future.

Secondly, being lonely is never an excuse to being in a relationship. Because if you are, your judgment will be skewed by your emotions and libido.

Thirdly, dont give away trust for free. You have to protect yourself from these sorts. The world is full of them. They zero in on your neediness and prey on your weakness.

Be glad its over and hes moved on to a new victim. Now focus on you. What do you want and need in a relationship? What will make you happy? Make a list of the traits you want and dont settle for less. Just because someone shows interest in you, does not mean you have to engage them. Its your choice, and you have control of you and your life.
I have faith youll do much better next time, youre older and wiser now.

Thank you for your comment. You are right- I showed horrible judgment. The messed up part is I knew the reality of what I was doing (admittedly I didn't know what a psycho this dude was). It was like I was outside of myself and watching myself do it. At first though, I never thought I'd end up dating this guy. I really just thought he was my friend. I have such a hard time trusting others. I just let it all go b/c it felt so amazing to feel love. I didn't realize how alone I felt until I stopped feeling that way.
Thank you for your faith in me. I am older and wiser and this wont happen again. I'm gonna make that list and realize the choices I have when a man shows me interest.

The second we started DATING, all this went out the window. Hmm...superficiality intrudes...

What happened there? Did dating involve sex? When sex entered the picture, suddenly your weaknesses, endearing as a friend, became fodder for him to prey upon for his sexual gratification?

I deal with the superficial nature of sex too. It's fucked up, what kinks people are into.

It's easy to say the guy's a dick-head, an ass, but we all bring out "things" in each other, the best and the beast. Wish I had answers, except next time to look a man in the eye, focus on HIM and tell HIM exactly what you need HIM for (which, sounds like, validation, a sounding board for your feelings, a certain empowerment).

That's a tough one Serenity. I am so sorry you got involved with someone so abusive.

I really think you're blaming the wrong person here, and that's yourself. I don't see what you did was anything that wrong, but what he did was cruel.

Beating yourself up for getting involved with someone at work is one thing, but he went right along with it. Takes two to tango as they say.

And what could you have done to "turn him into a jerk?" ... a jerk is a jerk. If he's like that with you, he's like that with everyone. Consider yourself lucky he's gone. Someone like that, who shows their true colors that soon, is someone who could get real nasty over time.

count your blessings that he is leaving you alone. if you are like most of us you would stay with him and be hurt more. hope that helps. just being honest. focus on yourself and try to let it go. you are not crazy and glad to see that you are in counceling. you are a child of God and he will help us if we ask him and work on ourselves. hope that helps

koolman- Honestly, pretty sure this guy was never my friend. That was just a means to an end. You don't tell a friend that you're sorry for every dealing with them romantically- that's a special level of fuck you. Yes, I'm more than sure the sex is where things got messed up- but I assure you- sex was part of the goal for him. The entire goal was to dominate and destroy me- as dramatic as that sounds. Thing is- by anyone's standards this guy is a dick and a jerk. Here's the problem- I said all that- "What a dick..." "What a psycho..." I said it all out loud- but underneath I thought- what is wrong with me, why doesn't he love me, if I was better he'd still love me, etc. That's where the CoD comes in and that's the part I'm desperately trying to change. Butterbean32 is right- getting into the relationship wasn't smart- but that's not where I messed up. Where I messed up was not walking the second he tried to break me down. Admittedly- I really tried to walk- but he fought with me until I stayed. I find it interesting (sarcasm) that that occured BEFORE we had sex. He didn't give a shit about me walking after the sex took place. Also- he told me he loved me AFTER we had sex- not directly after, but after. That's what I didn't get- b/c admittedly, I've been used for sex- it sucks- but it makes sense to me- so if he would have said it to get sex, I wouldn't have been surprised- but he said it after- so he must mean it- right? WRONG! it was then I started to realize that it wasn't only about sex- he had to dominate me. Before he could walk- he had to know he controlled me. Then he bounced, effortlessly. And I blamed myself- even though every bit of logic told me not to. That's why I'm here.

Thank you all so much for responding. It means a lot to me.

Thank you for telling me I'm not crazy. That means a lot. And thank you all for your sympathy. I've been struggling with this a really long time and the hardest thing I've had to battle is the thought that it's all my fault. So thank you all for helping me. God bless all of you.

You're not crazy, your codependency was triggered.

It's that downward shame spiral that sucks the most. Self loathing for something someone else did. And, like me, I'm sure you beat yourself to a pulp because "you LET it happen" and if you let it happen then there must be something wrong with you, right? I mean, why in the hell would you have been with that person, unless you wanted to be abused or perhaps you think of yourself as so damaged in some way, that you deserved it?

The self dialogue goes something like that, right? I get that. I totally get that! I still struggle with that, as I'm trying to feel better about myself while still in an abusive marriage.

So when he blames me for everything that's wrong, that gets piled onto everything I blame myself for in the first place - which is pretty much everything. Sucks!

Thank you for this post. I'm still separating myself from what I'm to blame for and what he's to blame for. I don't like blaming at all, but in this case, he lied... period. And I put my trust in a liar. It happens, but it's not all my fault, if hardly any, just like it's not your fault that guy is a douche!

There's just some pretty sick and mean people out there... and we're too nice and polite and hopeful that these people are who they say they are. Their loss! Because there's not a darn thing wrong with being trusting, hopeful and polite! So they can go fly a kite!

@butterbean. Great advice! And what you said about "giving away your trust" is exactly the conclusion that I've come to recently (and dear God I'm already 47, ugh!).

I've realized something about myself recently, and that is that I've given everyone I meet, or know personally, a "default" amount of trust. Then, little by little, they chip away at it until it's gone. Even then, I still give them chances.

I'm still learning to make people "earn my trust and respect"! That's the way it's supposed to be in the first place. I've always done every thing assbackwards, and the hard way - when will I learn!

Clumber 1- "So when he blames me for everything that's wrong, that gets piled onto everything I blame myself for in the first place - which is pretty much everything. Sucks!"
- That's exactly it. 100% I already blame myself for everything- so when he does it- it validates my own self loathing. Thank you for your entire post. It's on point. I beat the shit out of myself at first for getting with him. I went through all of that negative self talk. Now- I just wonder why. But I think I know why- it's my own self loathing. That's what makes me a target. I think the universe throws back at you whatever you put in. Here- the guy was a therapist- so he went to school to identify people's issues- he nailed mine right off the bat. He saw me coming. It still hurts tremendously- like how do you tell someone that you regret even being with them? How? I just don't see it man. Some people just don't have a soul I guess. And it wasn't in a fight- it wasn't lashing out. It was calm. He's just a sociopath. And still, I struggle with it being my fault. But- all of the postings help a lot- so thank you all for them.

Clumber1- I think you're doing great just by being here. I think the older we get, the harder it gets to change- so you should be proud of yourself for being here.

On the topic of trust- I don't know about never divulging intimate personal information to a stranger- I'm not saying that it's the right thing to do or isn't. I just know that earlier on in my life I didn't trust anyone- and now I go from trusting no one to completely trusting the wrong people. I ask this question honestly- if I never divulge personal information to strangers then how will I ever let new people into my life? Is the answer to be on-the-surface until you get to the point where you can trust people? That can't be right. I knew I shouldn't have trusted this dude from day one. I knew it. But its so hard for me to tell people about my life b/c I carry this shame and fear with me that comes from childhood - that I'm overreacting and I should be over it by now- and when I finally break through that barrier with someone- that's it- its like they have free reign in my life- every red flag after that gets ignored- b/c in my eyes its kind of like I'm married to them after that- it's that level of trust. Of course, they don't see it that way. I think the answer is in finding a balance. Heightening awareness and learning to trust the right people- learning to see the signs and.... ACTUALLY FOLLOW THEM! What a concept!!!! I got the first part down- I see the signs- its the following them that's hard.

Thank you again everyone for your comments.