Codependency Support Group
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My H of 20 years has been telling me that he will leave me at the end of the year if I don't get my act together ie: Become more emotionally available to him. He says he can't stand it any more. I understand his frustration, I do struggle with being open and free with him, I mainly feel that I need to perform to please him and win his love and this frustrates him.
Problem is, I feel in an impossible situation. How can i feel safe enough to open up to him when he threatens to leave? He says he is not threatening me, its just that he can't cope any longer but it is hard to see it in any other light. I feel pressured to be different so that he will stay but something in me feels angry and wants to tell him to just go now and stop torturing me.
Is it right to try and make someone connect with you by badgering and threatening them. How can this possibly work!? If I try to bring this up with him he gets angry with me, how do I get this point across to him.?
Problem is, I feel in an impossible situation. How can i feel safe enough to open up to him when he threatens to leave? He says he is not threatening me, its just that he can't cope any longer but it is hard to see it in any other light. I feel pressured to be different so that he will stay but something in me feels angry and wants to tell him to just go now and stop torturing me.
Is it right to try and make someone connect with you by badgering and threatening them. How can this possibly work!? If I try to bring this up with him he gets angry with me, how do I get this point across to him.?
I was in the same predicament a year ago. If you are feeling angry inside it is a sign your boundaries are being crossed. No..I don't think imho that badgering and pressuring someone to change to the way you want ever works. To me, when someone says they are giving you a year to change yourself or they will leave...that is a threat no matter how they say it. My ex did the same thing. A year ago we were at the start of a vacation relaxing on the balcony with a glass of wine when she turned to me and said I had a year to 'get my shit together' or she would leave me. (this after 30 years)
I felt pretty anxious and started to try and 'fix' myself. Ended up working on myself for myself only . We are now looking at working on ourselves and getting together a couple times a week to talk about our relationship problems in non-threatening ways.
I too felt as you...how can a person feel safe enough to open up if he /she threatens to leave. All I can say is that a person has to be true to their self, You can't change yourself if it isn't you. Also, for me, I try now, not to focus on the outcome but dat to day and the present.
hope this helps in some small way
hugs to you
rick
My ex husband was absolutely insisting on sex 5 to 6 times a day when I worked full time, took care of a young child, took care of a large house, every other weekend went to his mothers and worked at her house, and he was insisting on sex in my office at work, he was waking me up at 2:00 AM for sex, and eventually it came to a screeching halt. I was so physically exhausted because I was doing the jobs of several people and he was not.
He put his feet up at home and did nothing, while I did it all. I did it all at his Mom's house too. He was an incredibly selfish person and his sex all day stopped. I forgot to mention, he was physically and emotionally abusive too until I threw his butt out for good and divorced him.
So, focus on yourself. I don't know what you mean by opening up to your H, but if there is a part of you that hides & performs & isn't being your true self, work on that. Whether you're going to be with him or not, you deserve to be your authentic self.
If the relationships survives, it will be so much better (especially for you!) for your being true to yourself....if it doesn't survive, you will have already begun treating yourself with respect & trust & that will give you strength to go it without your H & also, make you a more balanced & independent person in your other/future relationships. So...basically, do what you need to do & you win either way imo.
or whatever it is you need, Arbe is right. He is manipulative. Does he plan on changing his tiresome behavior? I's sorry you are going through this. It is helpful to go to meetings and read positive thoughts throughout the day. It doesn't seem as if he thinks he's being unpleasant. We all have to find our own way, You are not responsible for his bad decisions. Only for taking care of yourself. Thank you for posting.