Frankly I may have overdone it on the self reflection, or maybe it is because I have been taking major space from my circle of friends over the last 6 months and haven't been very social, with exception of some phone calls and maybe a dinner or two....but certainly not making plans with anyone these days......It is almost as if I am reconsidering all of the people in my life. I have been spending a lot of solo time hiking, reading, writing, being on this site, working, etc. etc. ....but it is all about me.....as uncomfortable as it can get.....it is all I am focusing on.

I previously posted about the crux of me truly admitting that I am co-dependent which was a friend "breakup".

But I am finding now, that I am almost unable to see anything the same way anymore; Everything looks different, when I talk to the people I love (with exception of my mom) I am almost annoyed at the way our normal conversations would go, I feel like the people are picking up on my change and they are sort of maybe agitated and uncomfortable as well, everything is revealing itself in a totally different way where I am seriously ready to pick up my life and reinvent it to the way that I want because my skin is crawling from this life that I created and the people who are in it......its like I went down the rabbit hole and now I am in some weird dreamland with trippy people I want to get away from (please note there is a little exaggeration-maybe not everyone but a lot of people that I was surrounded by alot). I frankly don't feel like I know anyone/anything in this life anymore.....and yet this true revelation only was a month ago....how can this be??

I don't know if I need to get out more, or what, but I can definitely say that something is different-I don't want this life, and I know it is me...but why does it all feel so rash??

Also, I recently discovered that one of my triggers for 'being too nice" is that I am scared of people. The person who I had the falling out with, was always known as a bully in school and was always someone I steered clear of in school and when you talk to anyone from those "olden days" they all go "Whoa ya she was gnarly". When we were out of school she and I would run in the same circle and eventually we became social friends, not close. Well then in the last 5 years she said we should really start hanging out, and I gotta tell you when I look back on it, I was totally thinking "Better to have her as a friend then an enemy".....Whoa.....what the hell!! I could not believe that revelation. And now here we sit.......I don't think she is a mean person after learning her story, but her actions are very "bull" like and it is all attributed to a life of a lot of pain. So I empathize but I am definitely seeing that I need to trust my gut and not get involved with friendships where I am scared of the person. Sounds so logical it almost hurts my brain.....I mean "duh".

Anyway, these new set of eyes are kinda bumming me out when I feel like my entire life and the relationships I formed were a farce.......anyone relate?