I am so very very sorry. I know what that can be like. I lived that life for so long.
I honestly do not know if one can do it while still staying in the marriage. Are there any Coda support groups in Australia, or you could even try an Al-Anon group if that is all that is around where you are? Maybe if you can go to those you could learn from others who are managing to do that.
In my case the only way I found I could finally stop that and really get my own life back was by divorcing my verbally and mentally abusive husband, but I know that is not the solution for everyone.

I am so very sorry as well...I joined CODA and Al-Anon and while I learned to see him differently, he remained the same, and I could not stay in the marriage - I just told him yesterday and it ALREADY feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. We are not WRONG, not BAD, not SHAMEFUL - this is just what our emotionally abusive "others" have led us to believe..

Hi,

I am sorry that you are struggling with this. I agree with the others. One of my biggest co issues is defining myself by the opinions and beliefs of others. It is such a relief to realize that I do not have to do that. I can decide myself what is true for me.

Having said that, I find my life is much easier when I am around people who support rather than in some way try to tear me down. I think some of us cos are so super sensitive to our environments and are so used to giving our power over to others, that it is hard to break free of the patterns if we don't detach from some of the people who are working to keep us down.

Hugs,

Shar

Yes, there is a tendency to make the one we're with, in our minds and hearts, our personal deity. We do need a barometer for our feelings, but your verbally abusive husband is not doing a good job of being a husband.

Read the Bible. Replace the voice of your "god" husband with the voice of the true God. While the Bible frowns upon divorce, it says "til death do us part", but does this mean, since he is SPIRITUALLY killing you, with his demeaning, criticizing words, does that merit divorce?

Some counsel from a therapist and maybe a priest or pastor might help here.

In other words, replace the words of your husband with the words of God, in the Bible.

Yes felt the same way and walked out to be sane. Glad i did that.
Whether you have to be in relationship or not is your decision.

Ask yourself if you can detach yourself from your partners criticism or unhealthy behavior while being in relationship?

That being said , The only way you can get your husbands voice out of your head is to create a greater voice of yours and overall higher power voice. This can be done by believing in your self and that comes when you start recognizing and working on your self.

It's frustrating. I am in the same place only my husband doesn't say anything about anything. But I cling to what he does say when he says something and there is more negative than positive. So guess what I cling to! As a codependent I guess at what he's thinking and what he's wanting. I don't know if I want to be divorced or if I truely want to stay in this marriage. I don't know him and I certainly don't know myself, not my true, honest self. The one I want to live with everyday not the false self or codependent self.

My best friend who has known me since I was 14 told me 3 weeks ago that I won't be successful in any intimate relationship until I heal from my past. I think she's said this before but I never listened. This time I did and I found two books which is where I'm starting. One is "healing the child within" and the other is "codependent no more." I now realize that I have to come to love myself before I can or want to make the decision to stay in the marriage or not. Due to my codependency I will never really leave this marriage until I become independent and love myself more than I love the sense of needing someone else to fulfill my life. In the past I have clung to relationships long after their value or worth ended and I never knew why. It was like I was holding on to a dead skeleton that had no value or worth. That gave me no life. When I did let go I wept and felt sorry for myself until I found the next warm body to cling to. That's why I won't physically leave this marriage until I come to know myself. I'm working on that I hope you can too.

I really like what someone said here "Ask yourself if you can detach yourself from your partners criticism or unhealthy behavior while being in relationship?" If I'm going to stay in this marriage I'm going to have to do that too.

Thanks for your post, best wishes!

I struggled with this for years. I found I could not detach while living with him because he wouldn't let me - very clingy, and it was all about him, all the time. I had to get out on my own to find myself, and I'm starting to like what I see and feel. I was too defined by my roles in my life - wife, mother, housekeeper, taxi driver, that I wasn't truly living. I truly don't know if these roles were created for me or if I created them myself due to my upbringing. I suspect some of each. But the only way for me to redefine myself was to get out of those roles in that house. I'm still a mom, housekeeper, cook, etc., but it seems so much easier now because I don't have the weight of my whiny other half on me all the time. I was able to detach, and it feels great! Don't know whether divorce is the answer for you - it depends on what you want out of life and what you're currently getting. I know for me it is the only way.

I thankfully don't have this with my husband but i still hear my mother's voice, telling me i'm not quite good enough, could do better... sometimes it's not a spoken word but a certain look. I have started working on this by putting boundaries in place. I make sure i see friends who build me up and give affirming words, i catch the thought and challenge it and i tell myself that i am good enough daily.
It is difficult for you as you live with your husband but counselling or group work could help. It's so difficult to detangle i know. Even though my mum deminishes me with her words and looks I still go back for more. I let her live rent free in my head!! I hope you seek help and can surround yourself with people who speak words of encouragement and life. x

Thanx so much everyone for your replies and great advice. SO encouraging to hear that others have walked the same path. My H has been away for a few weeks and it has been such a relief. I have been able to leave the ironing basket out and not have the house perfectly clean and tidy. No last minute scramble to clean up before he comes home. No fear of being told that I have a problem cos I can't keep the place spotless. I can relax and just be myself and live the way that suits me without feeling I should be someone different.
Now, if I could just continue to do this when he returns ...

wow does that sum up code or not? i know that voice in my head that tells me such things. remember pink floyd- someone in my head, but its not me. work on self compassion and loving yourself and knowing that no one else if our judge and their opinions of us are not what we are. you are a child of god and deserve to feel good about yourself and stop the letting someone else determine your self worth and thoughs