Now feeling a big pathetic for posting this and being so weak

Oh honey - please don't feel pathetic for posting this. I don't know how you can stand being with this man. He i terrible to you.

Has he always been this way or is this just recent treatment? How old are your kids? He is throwing an awful lot of anger at you - could this have something to do with his illness? He is so mean to you - this is just horrible. Do you have a minister or a therapist to talk to?

You really do need to have someone to help you with this. This is an awful heavy load to carry all by yourself. Please let me know if I can help you.

LJ

I understand. My ex-bf is in ICU right now. He is a struggling Alcoholic and while I have detached from him as much as I can emotionally, I still have his Medical Power Of Attorney. this week he is in ICU. I have had to face the Doctors and making the very sad decisions if I needed to. He is in recovery right now but that is still touch and go. He doesn't' want to bother me. He tried everything possible to cover the condition of his apartment, the current state of his drinking and other control issues. He's had to give those up this week. He's too weak to even worry about such things. I've told him " I'm not your judge." I've had to clean his apartment so he doesn't get thrown out. Which happened in the last Medical crisis. Take care of his cat. (which is my joy.) He's had a major heart attack and is on a ventilator, This has basically happened because he didn't take care of bronchitis which turned into pneumonia , which led to a growth on his lung, which we thought was Cancer (Thank God it wasn't.) only to have him have a heart attack from aspirating during the night and Coding. So sweetheart. Take this one minute at a time. These people still need us. If you can manage prayer and remembering that you are the voice of sanity in the matter. remember the Lords Prayer and the Serenity Prayer. That you are the one who uses their consciousness to help make the world a better place rather then hiding and being hurt by it from others in your attempt to help them. . As you can see, I will be using those prayers instead of my regular Christmas Prayers. Remember my friend, you are the one choosing and representing SANITY. Remind yourSELF of this. Detach from his horrible behavior as soon as you can emotionally. When people are sick they tend to be more irritated anyhow. It's because they can't control the situation. He can control you children's gum chewing. I hope this was helpful.


Be strong for YOU and your children.
Merry Christmastide

Update from my post earlier this week:

I had to turn the hoses and ventilators off of my friend/exbf today.
As last evening progressed his kidneys and liver failed. The pneumonia cause him to be septic and shut down his liver kidneys and his lungs barely drew air. As the evening went on decisions had to be made by me, so that my friend could pass into Gods Kingdom.
As doctors explained he had many problems his body after years of drinking didn't have the strength to fight off the infections occurring in his body.It would of been hard for a normal body to fix itself in this case. His vices through out his life made it impossible. The body began to poison itself with infections. As I had to decide on the most compassionate way to let my friend leave this world. I chose the most humane by removing using a morphine drip and removing his medications and then the ventilator. The hospital Chaplin was present and so was his friend, a third grade 50 year friendship and her husband.

My friend was such a smart man, he designed circuit boards for a major tool company. We dated for about 5 years and finally decided to break up. I knew he would isolate and drink and that is what he had done. I cleaned his apartment in hope that he would return someday. He won't. I will have to clear his apartment.
I will have to take his cat and make her a part of my home. I rescued her originally so we have a relationship already. Although since living with my friend for 5 years, she is not going to like coming back here. I will greatly miss my friend. I am writing this to help me heal. As I said earlier this week, my friend needed to control his life, his medical treatments and his main concern was never making me have to go out of my way for him. Yes my friend had problems. Yes my friend was frail as we all are. Yes my friend thought he could even control his body and medical treatment. He was wise and made me his Medical Power of Attorney so I could take control when he couldn't any longer. I did this for him and with him. As I sit here this Christmas Eve, I would normally be having dinner and planing to go to church. This year, I will be silent and rest and handle Christmas tomorrow.

I always tried to love my friend, to be compassionate and yet, accept the parts of him that I could not change. The bad parts. The parts at this time I can't even begin to discuss out of respect for him. My friend was an alcoholic, and he loved me. I was patient and kind and compassionate to this man all these years. He knew I would not betray him or abandon him. I accepted him as he was "Warts And All." For me Christmas this year is about the gift of seeing his blue eyes stare at me as he suffered, knowing I was there holding his hand, with love and accepting the judgements and choices he made, even if I felt they were not correct. My friend lost his life, and I lost my friend. One of the most loyal and loving friends I could of possibly ever had. A man who shut his family out of his life because they didn't care for me. As I begin to grieve for my friend I can see both the good and the bad. I can also chose to remember his kindness and innocent ways, he loved me. The every day ways of just telling me that, long after we broke up. It was a Love of being accepted, of being understood and compassion. Always directed to me. While the Alcoholic and addicts may be frail and weak themselves, sometimes my experience is that they hurt somewhere from life and just needed to heal too. Sometimes they don't learn in time or refuse to. I am not sure why I posted this, except to remind myself, how weak and vulnerable I am too. How I chose a different path and yet still cannot possibly avoid the pains of life. I will always remember my friend as who he was first and not his frailties. The person who loved me for me.

huge hugs to both of you im here if you need me as right now i dont know what to say im choked by both of your lives right now and emotional about mine

Oh dear darling, life can be so hard sometimes, praying that God will hold you in his gentle arms and see you through this, you are an amazing woman and such a faithful friend. Bless you, much love

Thank You Sampas, We had a graveside service today with about 30 people. I'm having a memorial gathering for him Saturday. The stress of death is more of a testament to Self Control. I've been here before, it's not a good place, today to see all those kind people who turned out for Bob and said such kind words, made every minute of it worth the recent stress. New Years was always our time together, no matter what. I guess this year that will have changed. As I look through pictures to find fun things to talk about at his Memorial gathering, I find all the precious things I loved him for. I wish he wasn't stubborn, and had gotten help, I guess he had just had enough of the Medical Community, trying to manage his pain with narcotics, and anti-depressants which he didn't need and cause psychotic episodes and interventions from me. I am glad I detached emotionally as much as I could years ago, yet still loving him for the fine human being he was. The times I suggested he gets a counselor or someone to talk with, who could help him with insights others around him might not have, he rejected my suggestion. I had to accept that. I kept accepting and continue to use my God and Higher Power, and to take care of my self. The other day a Chaplin heard both our lives and the parallels of them. She observed "You chose to work on life, and learn about your "issues." To find Joy." She said "Your friend chose to hide from them." In the end I must use wisdom and chose. This is sad, but nothing I didn't see coming, I just didn't know how the second shoe would drop. At least I was there to help him in the end. He knew somone loved him for no other reason than to have loved him.
My grief is minor compared to his spinal pain and other stuggles through the last 10 years of his life. His physical and mental torture is over. He won't have to sleep with a shoe between his spine and the floor any longer.

Thank You Possum, Is your husband home? I hope he is okay?
I took some flowers to the ICU nurses the other day, to say " Thank You,"
I went to mass for The Feast Of The Naming, I am going out to a movie later.

I'm gald 2013 is over.
Happy New Years everyone!

wow my heart goes out to all of you. I had a similar situation with ex last summer. he almost died and I was almost drug back into the situation. I remained strong and kept my distance but was as supportive as I could be without loosing my conviction to stay separated from him. possum he has no right to treat you or the kids like that and he sounds like an asshole that knows how to press you buttons to keep you under his control. maintaining control over someone includes making them feel bad about themselves so that they think they don't deserve better. but u do!!