Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
So I am having alot of emotional struggles with a current work project I am on (I am a consultant and work on location for periods of time - in this case a 9 month project). On every level my emotions are being triggered and I am feeling semi out of control with myself about it. While I have been able to address certain things that are problematic, there are other things which I cannot address and I am having a really hard time containing myself.
So we have Dr. Jeckyl; He is the top boss of our project, he is currently juggling a few other tasks so he has had to bring a second in command to be my direct boss until we reach a certain level within the project at which time Mr. Hyde will either be on or off the project (Too be seen). Dr. Jeckyl and I have worked with each other before over the last year and half. We have established a great working rapport, we have a history of success in the workplace.
Mr. Hyde is new to the company, new to our processes and new to the group....so I get he is trying to get his groove. He is currently my direct report but there have been alot of communication issues where he wants to assert himself and go against the grain of what I know that Dr. Jeckyl wants, and so I attempt to kindly push back and he typically will give answers such as "if there is a problem then just point it to me". While under normal circumstances I would just follow instructions and not push back, this is a problem because I already know what the top boss is expecting and am literally being asked to go against it which will end up in more work for me. Further, I found out Mr. Hyde had made an error, lied about it by throwing me under the bus with the lie as I didn't do what he said. Also Mr. Hyde has been very Passive Agressive where he will not talk about the task at hand while Dr. Jeckyl is in the room, and as soon as he leaves he all of a sudden becomes engaged and will negate certain things....so all in all it is uncomfortable.
I have addressed with both of them that the 2 chiefs and 1 Indian situation is becoming difficult for me, communication is sorely lacking, and that I am baring the brunt of unnecessary fire drills and complications due to this set up. Both were very nice about it and it was all well received, but nothing has changed, so i endure frustration and irritation when in reality if Mr. Hyde wasn't in the picture all would probably run alot smoother.
So Dr. Jeckyl is a great guy, he and I, like I said have an established working relationship. He had confided in me that he doesn't like Mr. Hyde's working style either and it is problematic for him as well. While he problem shouldn't of done that, I understood where it was coming from and why he felt compelled to tell me. So he has given me the "ok" to push back on things that dont make sense, and that if gets the feedback from Mr. Hyde on the back end he will deal with it. I think the goal is, we are trying to get stuff done and he doesn't want this guys weird methods to stand in the way of the end game.
But here is the hardest part of it all for me.......I am crushing out SUPER DUPER hard on Dr. Jeckyl. To the point where it is all I think about, and I get the feeling that it is mutual...there have been a few signals that I have sort of gathered we are having a mutual attraction......
Uggghhh this is all so distorted and mixed bag feeling.......
I can't stand the layers of emotions; Liking the top boss, hating the stupid guy in the middle, being irritated from being treated like a "lesser than thou" by the middle guy, all in all too many emotions.....crawling out of skin at this point.
It is kind of making me sick to my stomach even revealing any of this on this board....like i am paranoid about anyone knowing I am crushing out on the boss...What the H*ll!!
Just butt hurt dealing with this jerk who is just making everything complicated, being Passive Aggressive, and just playing games of "elitism".......then all butterflies and rainbows about the boss.....I think I am going to go throw up now......HAHAHAHAHA
Suggestions on managing all this? I can't help my feelings but I don't know how to act anymore..........
So we have Dr. Jeckyl; He is the top boss of our project, he is currently juggling a few other tasks so he has had to bring a second in command to be my direct boss until we reach a certain level within the project at which time Mr. Hyde will either be on or off the project (Too be seen). Dr. Jeckyl and I have worked with each other before over the last year and half. We have established a great working rapport, we have a history of success in the workplace.
Mr. Hyde is new to the company, new to our processes and new to the group....so I get he is trying to get his groove. He is currently my direct report but there have been alot of communication issues where he wants to assert himself and go against the grain of what I know that Dr. Jeckyl wants, and so I attempt to kindly push back and he typically will give answers such as "if there is a problem then just point it to me". While under normal circumstances I would just follow instructions and not push back, this is a problem because I already know what the top boss is expecting and am literally being asked to go against it which will end up in more work for me. Further, I found out Mr. Hyde had made an error, lied about it by throwing me under the bus with the lie as I didn't do what he said. Also Mr. Hyde has been very Passive Agressive where he will not talk about the task at hand while Dr. Jeckyl is in the room, and as soon as he leaves he all of a sudden becomes engaged and will negate certain things....so all in all it is uncomfortable.
I have addressed with both of them that the 2 chiefs and 1 Indian situation is becoming difficult for me, communication is sorely lacking, and that I am baring the brunt of unnecessary fire drills and complications due to this set up. Both were very nice about it and it was all well received, but nothing has changed, so i endure frustration and irritation when in reality if Mr. Hyde wasn't in the picture all would probably run alot smoother.
So Dr. Jeckyl is a great guy, he and I, like I said have an established working relationship. He had confided in me that he doesn't like Mr. Hyde's working style either and it is problematic for him as well. While he problem shouldn't of done that, I understood where it was coming from and why he felt compelled to tell me. So he has given me the "ok" to push back on things that dont make sense, and that if gets the feedback from Mr. Hyde on the back end he will deal with it. I think the goal is, we are trying to get stuff done and he doesn't want this guys weird methods to stand in the way of the end game.
But here is the hardest part of it all for me.......I am crushing out SUPER DUPER hard on Dr. Jeckyl. To the point where it is all I think about, and I get the feeling that it is mutual...there have been a few signals that I have sort of gathered we are having a mutual attraction......
Uggghhh this is all so distorted and mixed bag feeling.......
I can't stand the layers of emotions; Liking the top boss, hating the stupid guy in the middle, being irritated from being treated like a "lesser than thou" by the middle guy, all in all too many emotions.....crawling out of skin at this point.
It is kind of making me sick to my stomach even revealing any of this on this board....like i am paranoid about anyone knowing I am crushing out on the boss...What the H*ll!!
Just butt hurt dealing with this jerk who is just making everything complicated, being Passive Aggressive, and just playing games of "elitism".......then all butterflies and rainbows about the boss.....I think I am going to go throw up now......HAHAHAHAHA
Suggestions on managing all this? I can't help my feelings but I don't know how to act anymore..........
If I haven't said it before, I really like your name on here. Very witty...
Anyway, it sounds like you need to take a breath and a step back. The mix of emotions (new person on the team, tight deadlines and unreasonable client expectations, long hours and travel, two bosses with different priorities and work styles, possible crushes, etc) can definitely feel overwhelming and wear in you. I was a consultant for several years and know the situation well. I have even been a Dr. Jekyll on a similar multi-year project (crush and all). Consider a couple of things:
- you are likely to compare everything that Hyde is and does to Jekyll. This may not be fair
- you may be inclined to cross boundaries in order to do what you think will please Jekyll, when you may in fact make things more difficult and stressful for yourself.
- who has the ultimate responsibility to make sure that your team meets the client objectives? Is everyone on your team in line with this and are there processes in place to make sure that person can communicate clearly what actions he/she wants to take and to receive feedback from the team about risks and issues?
- when the project ends, who will be responsible for assessing your performance?
It's enough to give a person a nervous breakdown.
Thankfully I travel to the site so this week I am home, I am hoping to gain a little perspective and relax for a minute. I really feel like Dr. Jekyll giving me the ok to push back was a mixed blessing, because anytime I resent the order from Mr. Hyde I use it......ARRGGHH. Plus liking Dr. Jekyll is giving me some layer of loss of clear objectivity on the whole situation. I think you are spot on that I am for sure comparing Mr. Hyde to Dr. Jekyll.....but frankly after he threw me under the bus with a lie, I lost all respect...it was as if there was nothing I felt I could even pull from to respect anymore...that was basically a closed door now.
Thankfully Dr. Jekylll is the top boss, the one who would perform my review and is the one who I have an established working rapport with from previous projects (well and now a major crush-so sick to my stomach when I write that-PS-he's single!!)
I am just hopeful that Mr. Hyde is kindly taken off the project as it looks like this might be the case as he has been not favorable to the boss's needs as well so thankfully it isn't "just me" who he is bumming out!
Anyway, I think my mom said it best to just be nice and wait it all out......I am gonna try but this guy bugs sooooooo bad!!
Thanks for the compliment on the name....figured it kinda fit for me as I am a huge music buff ;)
Living Water, your post cracked me up!! Thanks I needed the early a.m. laugh!! I am hoping to not have a nervous breakdown, and ride through this gracefully......so far so good??.....hmmm to be seen! HAHAHAH
I think that is the worst part....I am enjoying getting to know him better, I like the comradery of both of us disliking the other guy, and wanting to know him better personally as he is starting to tell me more personal stuff...uggh. Am I wrong to feel that way-is this co-dependence??
Errrrrrrrr I can't seem to help my feelings, but I have had such bad luck with guys that when you find one that you think might actually be a winner and a good guy and someone worth pursuing, the work thing is sort of taking the 2nd seat to 'right/wrong', its as if I want to take a chance if the right opportunity arises (by him making a move-lord knows I wouldn't act on it unless he initiated something).....
I dunno, call me crazy but in the crush case I just don't think I could say no if he pursued it with me, and would want to take the chance on him......
Its the other part that is really the annoyance in the whole work scene and a lot of my co-dependence triggers feel like they are being activated.
But it's distracting you from your work, and if you two start dating, it's a conflict of interest that you'll have to deal with sooner or later. I'm not saying quit the project in the middle, but try to avoid getting too close personally until you can get some distance professionally. And, I never did the work relationship thing myself...all my work crushes were married or I was or both, so I had to keep my distance. I get it that it's tempting to get to know him...addicting even.
But I heed your words totally, I think this is all gonna play out on its own and I don't really have to do much other than have the feelings.....i just wanted to have full disclosure that if he busts a move....this girl is going for it!!
I am glad you said it isn't morally wrong, because I question that. I have always put the rule up of "don't dip your pen in the company ink" but ya know.....can't really help these feelings and to be honest I am not really remembering a time where I had this strong of feelings for a person I work with, let alone a boss.......either the people or circumstances didn't lend themselves to a crush being born.....but this time...wow...doosey!
Anyway......I sure hope all just pans out ok all the way around, cause the emotional roll-ie coaster is giving me a near panic attack!
Looking forward to a day where emotions don't send me over the edge.......seems like mine are uber powerful all the time....I think its cause I am paying attention to them for the first time instead of worrying about everyone else's......
Anyway, thanks a million for the sage advice......I'll keep ya'll updated (especially if I rant evidentially.....will try an inspirational posts once in awhile).....Nite!
1. Get a grip on your crush. This is NOT healthy.
2. You may hate this person just due to your crush/loyalty, so be careful.
3. Don't put it past the new person to pick up on your crush and use it to his disadvantage.
4. Do ALL communication through email. Even if it's a one on one conversation, do an email as a "Re: Our conversation" and then document what was said and CC it to your boss so you are always in the loop and New Guy will mind his Ps and Qs.
5. Talk to a therapist about said crush. You need to work on your boundaries.
Hugs!
Thanks for the advice, totally agree (typically) with the "don't dip your pen in the company ink" adage.
I guess my question is tho, and I am not saying this is the case, but hypothetically speaking.....if you do find love in the workplace, do you walk away from it?
While I re-read my post I can see I am just totally overwhelmed with all of the 'feelings'. I wrote it in the heat of everything and was spinning out as I have been on overload emotionally since December so I think I am hyper sensitive.
Plus as I mentioned I am only having to focus on my feelings these days so that makes it even more vivid to feel them.
When I said I don't know how to act, meaning; do I need to address the issues again with the jerk and the manager? I felt like I addressed myself pretty clearly, yet, the same problems are here to stay and that is really frustrating me.
I think the icing on the cake is that I have the crush. To be honest I haven't had feelings like this in a long time so it kinda feels good to have a crush.....thought I was dead in that area since my last guy.
If it tells you anything, I haven't spoken to anyone about the crush except this board, and I tell a certain friend and my mom EVERYTHING.....so I am really trying to behave like an adult when it comes to this crush...but just saying, these feelings are kind of powerful and if the moment arose where he made an advance....I can't really say what I would do....and I would probably go for it since in a lot of ways, he is everything I have been asking for in my life for YEARS.....what's weird he came in a package I would have never suspected which is telling me something about the situation, like maybe I am finally evolving and NOT going for the bad boy good looking guy anymore.
Anyway, I hear your advice, and while I might have came across out of control, it was the feelings that were overwhelming and out of control....but I am always professional, always in check with my actions, and am nice to everyone on the project......the jerk just said to me yesterday "You and I are going to be BFF's before the rest of the project team arrives".....so he doesn't suspect a thing that I am irritated.
Acting is one of those mixed blessings of being co-dependent....I know how to cover up how I really feel....not that it is a good thing, but in this case I am using that attribute.
And yes...everything is written down. Learned that C.Y.A. tactic many many years ago :)