Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Does it ever get better?
I have been working to overcome my codependent ways for about 3 months now with a counsellor and I just want to ask - does it ever get better? What are your experiences?
I grew up with an alcoholic mom, in a dysfunctional family, and now I project my codependent thoughts/behaviours onto my roommate, who is also my best friend. I live with four girls, we all get along great (surprisingly) and none of them have any 'addict' tendencies or issues - nor do they demand too much of me. So I have taken what appears to be a seemingly normal friendship from the outside and added all my codependencies - leaving me feeling anxious and unhealthy. The thing is she doesn't even know it is going on, I tried to explain it to her one time but she didn't really understand - and I mean sometimes I am sure she can tell something is going on with my behaviour but she doesn't know that my every thought revolves around her - woah that sounds unhealthy to say out loud. It has become the only way I know how to function in close relationships, especially those with females. It is this pattern of behaviours that keep me 'safe' all those years during my unsafe childhood.
My demons are constantly criticizing me for my tendencies because, in their eyes, I need to be the 'perfect being' to be a loved and appreciated friend.. or so they think... but that is not true at all (rational me)... if she doesn't love me (in a friendship way) or replaced me with other friends I would be okay... I don't need her... But I want her to need my friendship... What can I do for her to show I care and in turn get the attention and reassurance I need... These battles of my head go on like this all day, and pretty quickly I can't tell my rational thoughts from irrational thoughts. And as soon as I feel a threat to my importance as a friend, whether it be because she is hanging out with some else and doesn't invite me (because everyone needs a network of friends to fill their different needs - rational brain) or is not warm/caring (because she is tired - rational brain), I become engulfed in my anxiety and have a very hard time overcoming it.
I recognize these feelings are because my inner child did not get the love and support it needed growing up, and thus I have a lack of self-love and try to fill it from eternal sources. I am working on unfreezing child parts of me that ache for love, and building my self love - but right now it seems the more I become aware of my codependent tendencies, the more they occur.
I have been working to overcome my codependent ways for about 3 months now with a counsellor and I just want to ask - does it ever get better? What are your experiences?
I grew up with an alcoholic mom, in a dysfunctional family, and now I project my codependent thoughts/behaviours onto my roommate, who is also my best friend. I live with four girls, we all get along great (surprisingly) and none of them have any 'addict' tendencies or issues - nor do they demand too much of me. So I have taken what appears to be a seemingly normal friendship from the outside and added all my codependencies - leaving me feeling anxious and unhealthy. The thing is she doesn't even know it is going on, I tried to explain it to her one time but she didn't really understand - and I mean sometimes I am sure she can tell something is going on with my behaviour but she doesn't know that my every thought revolves around her - woah that sounds unhealthy to say out loud. It has become the only way I know how to function in close relationships, especially those with females. It is this pattern of behaviours that keep me 'safe' all those years during my unsafe childhood.
My demons are constantly criticizing me for my tendencies because, in their eyes, I need to be the 'perfect being' to be a loved and appreciated friend.. or so they think... but that is not true at all (rational me)... if she doesn't love me (in a friendship way) or replaced me with other friends I would be okay... I don't need her... But I want her to need my friendship... What can I do for her to show I care and in turn get the attention and reassurance I need... These battles of my head go on like this all day, and pretty quickly I can't tell my rational thoughts from irrational thoughts. And as soon as I feel a threat to my importance as a friend, whether it be because she is hanging out with some else and doesn't invite me (because everyone needs a network of friends to fill their different needs - rational brain) or is not warm/caring (because she is tired - rational brain), I become engulfed in my anxiety and have a very hard time overcoming it.
I recognize these feelings are because my inner child did not get the love and support it needed growing up, and thus I have a lack of self-love and try to fill it from eternal sources. I am working on unfreezing child parts of me that ache for love, and building my self love - but right now it seems the more I become aware of my codependent tendencies, the more they occur.
But the fact is this, you must accept the situation. And that whether or not she leaves, come what may. We can't change the thoughts and opinions of other people but we certainly can control those our own. In the end , we don't have to explain or apologise for what we didn't understand (like our codependency) and we also need not explain or apologise for being who we are (like trying to manage our codependency), but if we change, our relationships will change too.
Despite the fear the my friend will leave, I know getting help and recovering from codependency is the only way I can live a healthier and more fulfilled life. I don't want to hurt another person who ever offered me love and kindness.
So bring your thoughts back to yourself whenever you think of her. And tell yourself if you don't recover, your relationships will never recover.
As for the future, come what may. The future will resolve itself if we deal with the now.
Hugs.
It is true that the more we become aware of the codependency then the more we recognize the dysfunctions as they occur.
The tendencies do not happen more as it is just that you start to see them and to take notice of them now.
That really is the BIGGEST and best sign of healing that there is, because when we see the dysfunctions then we can start to stop the dysfunctions and that is the road to recovery.
And it is okay to be a little obsessed with a roommate and to try to be friends with her as roommates are constantly close to each other and it would be far worse if you did not pay attention to her and her feelings.
What I would guess is that the more I learned about my own feelings and my own boundaries and my own inner child then the more that I could see such things is other people, and I really see that as a BIG part of healing too as that too is a part of recovery.
With codependency we do things WRONG with other people, but after recovery then we start doing things better and healthier with other people, and that is one thing that makes treating codependency as a fun adventure because our own life become so much bigger then it ever was before.
You also need to know that everyone on this forum are not Doctors or Psychologist so we just give our opinions and you must make your own decisions for your own life and just evaluate what other people say as whether it fits for your own life or not.
Again - welcome to this group.
How to heal your inner child? I think part of it comes with seeing it as part of a cycle. Your parents didn't nurture you b/c they weren't nurtured... But you can break the cycle. Insight and forgiveness will give you the ability to get out of yourself, love that little girl and bring her up to your real age.
Hugs.