Codependency Support Group

Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...

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Do I need to do this?

possumlady
possumlady
What does anyone think of this? My husband and I are trying to sort out some of the problems in our marriage. Over the years there has been a lot of hurt on both sides and a lot of stuff as yet unresolved. He says that I never come to him and talk about what has happened so I have been trying to do that. Problem is, whenever i try to talk about anything it ends up with him emptying the bucket of his anger and hurt all over me, telling me for an hour, everything I have done to him and how awful it is to live with me. I come out of one of these sessions feeling like crap and it happens over and over. So after yesterday's session, I thought I would be brave and tell him how it felt to be constantly accused and reminded of my failings and that it makes me not want to talk to him. His response was this: he is actually NOT trying to accuse or blame me but there is so much unresolved hurt in his life that whenever we talk it all comes out. He says that he needs me to bridge the gap, to help him to heal and get over his hurt. I not sure that I can do this, don't think I am strong enough to hear all the stuff I have done over and over again. Does this sounds reasonable or possible?
deleted_user
deleted_user
"This only is denied even to God, the power to undo the past"
Agathon

For me healing is about forgiving the past, that's hard and a personal thing. I can't heal anyone, they would have to heal themselves. So, blaming me won't work. I would accept and take responsibility for what I had done in the matter. That would be the extent of it though. What kind of compassionate person, would continue using the past, to hurt their partner, if they were trying to forgive it. I'm glad you stood up for your SELF. At that moment you chose!
Sounds like a bridge of blame to me. I don't know how anyone can move to the future, dragging their hurts of the past with them.
Forgiving, sometimes/often doesn't have justice. Letting GO and letting God is part of that for me.
deleted_user
deleted_user
WOW, what a request he has put on you. If you feel you cannot do this, then you need to tell what you can do. His can only heal himself. I am in a realtionship where similar things happen. "I want you to tell me everything." When I do he may or may not listen, he may respond with anger, he may actually just listen. It is a crapshoot. So even though he is my husband, I sitll own how much I tell others and how close I want people to be to me at times. I get to heal myself. There are times when I feel very close to him and share. There are others when I tell him "I feel hurt when you..." and distance myself. It is all okay and how I protect myself. You don't have to do anything but take care of yourself. Be honest with yourself, your emotions, tell him how you feel, short sentences, and then distance yourself. Otherwise it doesn go back and forth and becomes destrucitve. Take Care Prayers and thinking of you !!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Oh no, I feel for you. I had this problem in my relationship also. I would try to bring things up and then all of a sudden it was him talking about his problems with me. It was like... Just because you don't know how to bring up problems on your own doesn't mean that you can ignore what I am saying and make it about you! But to be fair, he probably just doesn't know how. and i think it is a good sign he is opening up at all. However, like you said you just cant take hearing too much or it starts to bring you down! I can also see his side in wanting to feel validated, but he should think about taking control of his own recovery and feelings and not try to dump it all on you. Maybe suggest to him some tools to vent? Like a counselor or journaling? I am not sure if he would be the type to use that, but tell him it could be really helpful in venting a lot of his feelings so that it doesn't weigh on you. And then you guys could have periodic discussions that are more positive and focused on change??
just some thoughts!! I am sorry, I hope you guys get through this! Keep the communication open and always share feelings, but set boundaries and keep yourself strong!!!