I believe I am giving up on my relationship. Not going to express it to him in that way. I tried to express t.o him where I am at and got into bad place because I brought things up at bad time...it's never a good time. It's mostly been on his terms and as much as he is better in some ways it's more of just not wanting to face the truth of either you want to talk things thru or not. Surrender but don't give up is that I will surrender to his not wanting to work thru stuff. But not to give up on myself and what I need. I tended to surrender but avoided figuring out what I could or could not accept. For some reason it tires me to figure out what is best for me without becoming distant from him...I have to allow him to be and do what he needs to. Ugggh letting go is not easy!!

Have you ever talked to a therapist they
Can help you a great deal with professional
Guidance and support. Often we can not
See ourselves or our relationships very
Clearly. My ex is still my crazy train and i
do know And admit that.

Do you think you are a doormat? I know i
Was after awhile. You will do just about
anything To keep your relationship. Even
Though deep down you know its no longer
healthy or good for you.

It took me two years of both alanon and
Therapy to stop being a doormat and to
get stronger on the inside. Some where
I lost the girl i use to be. Not saying i was
Healthy just not such a doormat and put
Up with his bad behaviors. He was not
always Like that either only after he had
become displeased With me then it was
watch out.

Is your H an addict/dry drunk./narc or
Emotionally unavailable person? Many
of Us codependents seem to find one
or they found Us.

Many of us come from what we marry
So we have plenty of problems too, HUGS

Yes he used to have a problem but has quit for many years he had one lapse...which he blamed on me. He has worked very hard with sporadic counselling taking courses etc. (AA just at the beginning of his sobriety) he has depression I would say he is bipolar but never diagnosed. But doesn't get depressed like he used to. He works a lot I think sometimes to not have to work on personal issues. I have had counselling courses etc. I have had a few counsellors lately but haven't found the right fit. I decided I need a counsellor at least as old as me and specialize in co dependence. Just trying narrow down what my problem is. We have so much of a past and I don't want to rehash the past but would like to be more connected for the future. I have worked on being supportive and being their for him at the expense of his being there for me. So I do feel a little of being a doormat...it's not that it's horrible it just doesn't feel right the way it is. I think I'm past doing just about anything. Ultimately I want him to be happy doing what he wants. But don't think I want to be around to see it. He has a way of roping me back in. I guess I just figure if a relationship is important to you you would be willing to work on it.

Glad you are reaching out. All we can do is
Fix and control ourselves no one else.

My therapist is about my age and does
Understand well. She attends AA or did
Not sure and its not my business. I got
My recommendation from someone at
Alanon.

We did some marriage counselling before
Then i had liked her. He lasted three times
Together then was insulted when called On
a behavior and was done.

He Was long checked out by then and
looking And thinking about other women
so no real Honesty or willingness was
happening. It was More for show that he
had at least tried and was not just
abandoning His wife.

My ex is long term dry and only started
AA the last six years we were together.
He too Worked a lot. I did everything that
Was Humanly possible to keep the marriage
Together, nothing worked. I was on bottom
So i started alanon to his AA, HUGS

In the posting above it mentions a few times detaching from someone even though you still have love for them. There is no love in the heart of the one who has seen the need to detach from me. In fact the person goes to great lengths to passive aggressively undermine and bully me via ostracism, blocking and being non inclusive. When I suffered a serious illness, this person ( a close family member) didn't even ask for the outcome of major surgery or inquire on how I was. They also made other family members suffer by abandoning them citing that action was somehow because of their association with me. Unfortunately these acts and lack of common decency have alienated most family members ,who do care for me, from this person as they cannot sanction the cruel emotional abuse tactics used. To snub someone, keep important information from them and show no compassion certainly cannot be the definition of detaching with love ? It is bullying. For others who find the need to spend less time with someone please make sure that it actually is carried out as detachment and not misusing the word in place of what you are actually doing which is emotional blackmail and bullying.

Good point, in alanon we are taught
About Detaching with love from the
Addict. With Toxic people use good
strong healthy Boundaries and take
care of you.

I have some people/family that are
toxic the Best thing you can do for
you is to stay Away from them as
Much as possible and to value your
Peace and serenity above all else.

Family is tough and its not easy In
recovery. Even with using strong
boundaries and limiting your exposure.

Dysfunctional/enmeshed families are
The Breeding ground. My mother wants
Nothing but enmeshment with her adult
Children. She wants to be in control and
Its still all about her at 85.

Some people that are highly dysfunctional
Codependents. They can sometimes be
emotional bullies too. They often refuse to
look inward. IMHO,They need therapy And
meetings to Get better. Sometimes it is a very
deep issue And there could be a false self
involved or MH problems.

Detachment is a great tool to use for us
Plus for us not to be codependent anymore
and/Or be enmeshed. I know i needed it badly
with my Ex. Its still ongoing and it was not an
Easy process, HUGS