It is difficult enough to begin "the work," to go into a recovery/reflection of any sort no matter what the reason.  Even more difficult to realize that you are turning 50 years old and still experiencing some of the same things.  The good news is that I started "the work" when I was a lot younger, so I would probably in all likelihood be a whole lot worse off had I not started to try to get it together in my late 30's/early 40's.

I would prefer to not have to deal with the baloney and drama that comes with relationships, dating, family and even friendships to an extent, but there it is.  I guess I do.  I think I at least have more clarity.

Recently, as I posted here, I heard from a man that I had not in a decade.  The friendship didn't end all that well, as he was quite inconsiderate of my feelings.  I remember fourteen years ago us celebrating our birthdays, as we share the same birthday, and it didn't go well.  I was turning 36 at the time.  He had been a platonic friend and we were dating other people, but I clearly remember him asking me to get a cake from the bakery addressed happy birthday to both of us.  I remember going to this party, getting there, and everyone looking at me really strangely, saying, "who is she?"  He didn't bother to introduce anyone or integrate me.  Worse yet, his friends bought the exact same sheet cake from the exact bakery, but it was addressed to only him.  Everyone sung to him and I was completely forgotten. His best friend remarked, "what are you doing being friends with girls you are not having sex with," right in front of me.  My cake ended up in the garbage and I stopped calling him. I saw him a couple times after that, as he had another party, and he was complaining about how depressed he was and that he just hardly had any friends. I was short on sympathy.  I had come away from these interactions feeling quite deflated, degraded and depressed.  I was going through a lot of abuse at the time in my personal life and this was making it much worse.

I forgot about it. Over time, I learned, especially just before the pandemic, when I dated a full-blown narcissist, that I attract narcissists and people like it into my life.  I had heard from him last month out of the blue on social media and was not still angry about what happened fourteen years ago, and was willing to meet up with him like he suggested.  However, I look at men and filter them via what I now know about narcissists.  I've dated a few, and my parents, at least one of them is a narcissist.

During the conversation over dinner, I realized I was attracted to him.  I was thinking about all of the good things about him, how intelligent and interesting he is, how much we have in common, that he is not likely to be a narcissist, but some things were standing out to me. I noticed that he talked and bragged about himself quite a bit-and did not ask about me as much.  I wrote off the bragging as well deserved becuase he for certain has accomplished a lot and done some great things. But it really stood out to me when he said that he refused to attend work meetings. It seemed very entitled and superior. I can't imagine not being able to keep a job and not go to work meetings. At the end of the conversation he was giving me all kinds of compliments on my personality and appearance, and I started to be flattered.  I was initiallly thrilled to be meeting up with my close friend and thought who better to be in a romantic relationship with than someone you know and care about?

Here's where the real problem came in-I started getting follow up requests to see me again and expressions of how much he enjoyed seeing me again, followed by textbook ghosting, and falling off the map.  My ex-narcissist boyfriend almost bailed on our plans on Valentine's Day, it was a real mess and the day was all screwed up, with all sorts of b.s. excuses such as not having 20 dollars to go out.  Like clockwork, the same thing happened here-except it was my (our) birthday, and he does the same thing, after telling me how he is so looking forward to our birthday, what does he do for the Big Plans to celebrate?  He ghosts for several days before, and bails the day of with a lame excuse, saying: "I was really looking forward to it, we'll have to hang out again."  Just like in the previous situation, I was left here, sobbing and holding the ball so to speak. My alcoholic narcissist father used to do stuff like this ALL THE TIME. Christmas, birthdays, you name it.  He stood me up on my birthday five years ago. When I was a kid in 7th grade he said, "Get out of the family we're going to celebrate Christmas without you." Then he beat me really, really badly and walked off with my mom to get a Christmas tree.

I couldn't figure out why I reacted so hard to his recent rejection. I sat here bawling, both in my office at work and on my bed. Sometimes, when I am dating men and they treat me this way, I will frequently flash back to childhood and have memories of sitting with a stuffed animal waiting for my parents while I am home alone, or in the closet with the door locked. It's a very traumatic experience and not to be underestimated. At least I understand where the reaction comes from now.  I associate my dating relationships with other relationships, and even in the case of a supposedly "platonic" relationship with a man (who am I kidding-it isn't). Platonic relationships don't carry this level of drama or they shouldn't.  At least I know.  I did take him off my social media this morning. Narcissist or not, the dude is lying and manipulating. I never knew he was this bad.  Now that I reflect on the drama of fourteen years ago, I now wonder if he had arranged on purpose for both of us to bring the sheet cakes addressed to him, kind of playing both ends from the middle.  Mine had gone to the garbage, and I was too codependent to say anything. My father used to do things like this all the time-create scenarios on purpose, say one thing to one person and another thing to another person.

The best thing is to move forward. The man can't keep a girfriend for anything.