This has consumed me

every single second, every moment

and every moment I am not at work it was in my face at home


if u think that.. for one moment he wasnt in my face.. u would be wrong


After the kids went to bed was the worst. Cause then he was in my face I was blamed, yelled at, accused,

but then some nights he would be nice and I was expected to just be loving again do know how crazy that makes u feel as a person?


do u know how that feels to know every second I am not here at work I would have to deal with my mess at home, and no one understood..




It wasnt every other day.. it wasnt every other week it was everyday. I couldnt get away I couldnt run from that.. still cant


So yah it did/does consume me that I will take blame for. That is my fault


and for the first time in my life.. I am not trying to make someone happy, I am trying to make myself happy again


and ..


I didnt give in and didnt do what was expected of me and people didnt/dont know how to take that so they automately think something is up or there must be someone else


when really. I just got sick of being .


A nobody,

and sick of just. being there and being expected to be there, and being walked all over.

I was sick of being ashamed

of letting him get away with it



I am/was trying to start living a life without the drama trying to not let it consume meevery second of everyday



I want people to know

I know ....what its like to be beaten down.

I have been there... I know what spot u are in right now..

I know the hopelessness u feel right now.. the feeling inside ur chest...


thats the thing with this.... whole thing..

Until u give in and see.. what ur heart knows....

until u try .....to like I said. to find that strength inside urself, and know really and truly u cannot make him want this, and u cannot make him change....




nothing will change....




u have to get strong inside... and clear ur mind of the pain.... and really step back and look at the situation.


I am not gonna tell u .... that it will work..

not gonna tell u it will help ur relationship,

but it will help u... as a person...




how long has it been since u can say u feel good because u really know inside ur working on u.. and not worrying about him...?



U will go through stages in this whole process.....

u will go through the crying, blaming, wanting to forgive stage....

and I wish it werent true and i wish it didnt happen.. ....

but it will happen again.. and u will fall again....


until u ...

until U as the person,

until u reach that point..

that u say enough is enough..

and I want more for my kids,

I want more as a spouse,

I want more for ME..


until U step out of ur comfort zone, until u stop trying to mold him.....into something he isnt ready for




Its not gonna work...

Until he hits his bottom to.. What his bottom is... I dont know...


What my bottom is.. I still dont know..

but what I do know .. and what I am still working on... is me...


When I started this......


I was like u...

I wanted to believe, I cried, I felt like I was cutting my heart out.. I felt worthless.. why me.. and I wanted to give in...


but then.. I did I stood in front of my mirror and

I looked in the mirror... and saw how sad I was..

and how much he really drained me, and how much I didnt even know who I was anymore,




How lost I .. as a wife, woman and mom was..

How lost Missy was.

And hell I didnt even know who I was anymore..

how I didnt even feel like a person anymore.. I just felt.. nothing but sadness...



and then I looked at my kids.. and I knew they heard... all the fights, all the accusations, how much I didnt want them to think this was normal, how much I didnt want them to be weak like me.. and how I didnt want them to think it was ok.. to stay in something where something not only treated u like u were worthless.. but to where u were disrespected every time they would do it again...



I know that feeling..


I am not gonna say I know what exactly ur going through..

BUT I do know THAT feeling though...

I know what it feels like to feel alone..

and feel like no one understands...


Then ...


after about a month of going through the grief, and the guilt, and the sadness...




I started to become angry... very angry


angry at myself, for staying and putting up with it for so long...


angry at my friends, for not understanding,


Angry at his friends... for not doing anything..


Angry at my parents.. for not wanting to get involved


AND ANGRY at his parents.... cause they made him who he was, and did nothing to stop it, then or now..


I was alone alot,

I didnt share much with anyone... cause I didnt want to trust anyone, didnt want to burden anyone with my problems...


and I searched and looked at me ... and thought about everything.... and started writing and opening up a little bit to a couple people,


and it took some time...but slowly


I started to like myself again.. not only because I was proud of myself for staying strong... but proud of myself..

and for KNOWING for the first time in FOREVER..



I didnt need him to be ok..


I didnt need him..


I didnt want to put up with his shit anymore.. ..

I could see that sparkle in my eyes a little bit.. I was starting to become proud of myself....


And then I saw...

that I wasnt gonna die without him...


I am still here.. I am not ready to give up on the us.. we could be....


because I am not ready to give up fully.. I am not ready to give in....

that doesnt mean I am giving myself to him if.. he doesnt ... fully change..

BUT

then atleast ..If this doesnt work out...... I have me..

and I know i will be ok without him....

I am starting to be able to breathe again... and its the most amazing feeling in the world.