Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
As some of you know I practice the 12 steps of AA. I come here to supplement that program and work on my codependency. In the past I relied on my wife for everything( emotionally) and it was miserable. If she was happy, I was happy and so on.....
I would talk with her about everything including things I was jealous over and my insecurities. I think she like this because she took care of me and made her feel like she had control.
Now, through the step work and the AA program I've become more healthy, independent, secure and rely on folks (same sex) in my program for help with life. We can relate with a similiar problem and similiar attitude. Just like here.
Last friday I had a miserable morning and it was all stinking thinking on my part- resentment over an frienship she had with the opposite sex ( a former friend of mine), feeling insecure, doubtful and fearful. I called my sponsor and discussed it and let it all go. Got back on track.
I told my wife I had a rough morning with my thinking but it past after I talked with a few people. A day later she tells me I don't tell her enough about me. She likes details and feels I leave a lot out.
I've learned in the program that there's some things we discuss with our peer groups and not with our spouses because there to close and highly effected by the discussion. This goes both ways. I thought I was being open by telling her about my morning but see no value in telling her the details seeing it was all negative thinking and she was involved?
I would talk with her about everything including things I was jealous over and my insecurities. I think she like this because she took care of me and made her feel like she had control.
Now, through the step work and the AA program I've become more healthy, independent, secure and rely on folks (same sex) in my program for help with life. We can relate with a similiar problem and similiar attitude. Just like here.
Last friday I had a miserable morning and it was all stinking thinking on my part- resentment over an frienship she had with the opposite sex ( a former friend of mine), feeling insecure, doubtful and fearful. I called my sponsor and discussed it and let it all go. Got back on track.
I told my wife I had a rough morning with my thinking but it past after I talked with a few people. A day later she tells me I don't tell her enough about me. She likes details and feels I leave a lot out.
I've learned in the program that there's some things we discuss with our peer groups and not with our spouses because there to close and highly effected by the discussion. This goes both ways. I thought I was being open by telling her about my morning but see no value in telling her the details seeing it was all negative thinking and she was involved?
With respect to your question, I believe that talking to my sponsor FIRST about negative feelings I am having around my relationship with a spouse or friend, is important to help me gain perspective on the issue and see my own part in the pain or discomfort.
But, it does not take the place of communication with my spouse or friend. If I want a loving and healthy relationship with others, I have to have healthy and loving communication with them on issues that impact each of us. I cannot resolve a difficulty or issue that involves my spouse (as opposed to involving me alone) without talking to him about it. No sponsor that I know of encourages a sponsee to substitute conversations with the sponsor for ones with the spouse. CoDA and Al-Anon help me figure out what is my stuff to work out alone that does not involve my partner at all, and things that do involve us both or impact our ability to be open, loving and honest and require resolution. Also, it is important to share my thoughts and ideas with my partner, since intimacy for me is Into-Me-See (I must allow myself to be known by my partner for intimacy to occur). I need the same transparency from my partner in order to establish intimacy with him and maintain it.
Wouldn't it be detrimental or add no value to let her know I was thinking in the past and got resentful at her and her actions seeing this was in the past and we already discussed this many times? Like kicking the dirt up again....
I guess I struggle with the notion of "its no off your business" or "none of my business" that we hear often in the halls and here. There's Al-Anon around here but not many CoDa meetings. Might be something I need to look into.
For example, of course I care and it does matter, if my husband thinks I lack personal hygiene, am self-centered, ignore his wants and needs, focus on my self to the exclusion of him and our relationship and am careless with our money, our future or our promises to each other. I care what I think about myself AND I care what he thinks about me. My perspective of myself AND his perspective of me keep me careful of how I behave toward myself and toward him/our relationship, how I conduct myself with him and with others and how I want to be received by him and others.
This phrase (what you think about me is none of my business) is one of those cute exaggerations that very sick and very codependent people need to hear at the beginning in order to get the importance of taking the microscope off others and putting the focus back on themselves. Taken literally, it makes no sense and would create self-centered, self-absorbed people who injure others by not caring about loving and healthy relationships with others.
Again, balance is the key to recovery in all our affairs.
Thank you. You provided some great insight and I think your right on target.