Best thing i can suggest is seek recovery
Just For yourself. You can only fix and control
You not them.

If you live with her its going to keep going
On is my Guess even with strong boundaries.
I have a heck of a time with my mother. I am
Long detached from her too.

She hates the word No and does not Believe
boundaries apply to her. I am Now helping my
Two sisters to care take her, its not much fun.

Therapy and 12 step groups i believe Help a
lot they have for me. Have you read melodie
Beattie’s book codependent no more? There
Are good books “boundaries” and “safe people”
By dr henry cloud. Darlene lancer has a lot of
Good info on Her website.

It is hard to change our spots of a lifetime
Thats why we need help with therapy and
Groups, welcome aboard.

Miranda,

Thank you for your response. To clarify, I do not live with my mother, nor does my sister. I am newly married and live 45 minutes from my mom, which only exacerbates her need to control me, but the distance does help in reinforcing boundaries.

I can empathize with you, as my mom also doesn't like the word no. Being a caretaker for a parent can be difficult, for sure. I hope you're utilizing some help self-care throughout this stage in your life.

To answer your question, I have not read Codependent No More, but it sounds interesting. I will check out your suggestions. As for the therapy and 12 step groups, I'm navigating my way through those. I recently attended my first 12 step group for Adult Children of Alcoholics/Other Dysfunctional Families. I really identified with the other group members, but I don't know if the 12 step part of it is really for me. It's also hard because I am close to my mom and want a relationship with her, just not on the same terms that she wants one, so that blurs the lines a bit based on the standards I've observed in the ACA meeting. .

So, to reiterate, I'm really excited about finding this site - I think this is a good starting point for me. Thank you for the response and suggestions!

Glad to hear you don’t live with
Her. My mother lives 250 miles
Away and i was married for 30
Years. She backed off some
And once i was divorced she
went Full speed ahead as she
Tries to with other family members.

I love ACA and i go to Coda and
I have Been in alanon for the last
seven years. Understanding the 12
steps Takes time and its worth it.

My mother is hospice so thats why
The care taking. I am using all of my
Tools, HUGS

I commend you for staying focused on your mental health. Sorry to hear about your mom's health!

Thanks for sharing!

Welcome to the group and recovery
From our upbringing is a process, hugs

On Lyn’s post i put a good list
Of detaching and letting go. Its
Not easy.

Detaching Can be a long process.
I was attached to my Ex not my
mother anymore. She Still did
not let up much thru out my life
And with her other children. She
Wanted enmeshment, sounds
Like yours does too. They can
be Relentless my mother still is
the Same at 86.

Thats the dysfunctional family
In a nutshell. We ourselves need
to Heal, grow and change for us
and for all our relationships too
The healthier we are the healthier
We find for partners and friends,
HUGS

Yes, my mother definitely wants enmeshment, so that makes total sense.

I am detached enough that i know
what She is going to do before she
Actually does It.

She loves and wants enmeshment.
Her baby is 55 years old and a grand
mother, Hugs

Hi...sounds like all is a challenge, yet you do have your feet going in the right direction. ACOA is one group, as with 12 step traditions that were a challenge for me....I just found the ACOA group angry, and the 12 step traditions didn't fit my need to understand that others had been where I was, through al-anon they were now or at least a lot further down the road of healing than I was...this is where I found listening, learning to keep my mouth shut to not 'blame'...I began to learn emotional detachment from the enmeshment. I was able to learn methods used my those who had years of experience...for me, this was my healing place.

I guess your mom is in her 60's and two daughters are 'living their lives'...from my own perspective with my son, I too was enmeshed until I realized I needed to step back and let him fall so he would know he could pick himself back up and stand...he has aspergers.

Anywho, since I've made this change, and it's taken me a good number of years due to empty nest syndrome, he is my only child and I raised him as a single parent...well lets just say it's been a Hard Road.

Again from my perspective, as a daughter I wanted approval so would 'do' anything and everything to get that approval.

Just something to think about, does your mom 'have a life' and is she butting in because of a need to '''be needed'''??

Mlr0853,

Ohhhhh ho ho!

My mom is only 51, my sister is 30, and I'm 27. My mother does not, at all, have a life. Her life is us, and always has been because she was a single parent. So, on one hand, I can understand her resistance to letting go. But, on the other hand, my mom's behaviors go beyond empty nest syndrome.

My mom likes to be in control, and she definitely has a need to be needed. She basically was parenting her older siblings and her parents when she was a child, so she has lived her whole life thinking she has to be a caretaker for everyone she comes in contact with, and that reinforces this thought for her that her way is the best way because she has been "helpful" to so many people in the past, and when she doesn't feel that her "help" has been valued and appreciated, she loses her shit....for lack of a better phrase.

My sister and I have tried to encourage her to find hobbies for herself or a way to make new friends, but she always shuts us down because she views that as us trying to "dump" her. She is incredibly enmeshed with us.

My mom was married and still Like that.
We tried to tell her to Get interested in
other things not only Her grown children.

Not much worked with her, she was
in Alanon for over 20 years too. You
Still need to get honest with yourself
and really walk The walk not Just talk
the talk.

Therapy on top of 12 step groups
Would help a lot. You sound pretty
Grounded. I too like alanon a lot and
How it has helped me.

My father was an alcoholic that
Abandoned us after he remarried
And become sober. My mother is
And was highly dysfunctional she
had The most impact on us children.
My step father was good to us, HUGS

Mom isn't going to change. She doesn't want new hobbies or activities. She wants to stay the same. The one who has to change, if you want change, is yourself. This is codependency 101. The New Codependency is the updated version of Codependent No More. I found it extremely helpful especially doing the exercises.

You wrote: "my older sister and I aren't allowed to live our own lives without a guilt trip attached" -- I am going to challenge this. You are an adult and you allow your mom to control you. She can't not allow you to live your own life. It takes a lot of work on oneself to make these changes and your mom won't like it. But you can do things to take charge of your life, set boundaries, stop caring about those fits. Your sister is in charge of her own life.

You can not answer the phone or answer your mom's text messages right away. You can not tell your mom any of your problems, concerns, etc. Be the adult and don't share with her. If you are the gray rock (a technique to not show emotion and just keep repeating oneself), and mom loses her shit because you aren't cooperating, so what. Allow her to get upset and get off that phone. Change your locks if she has a key. Stop allowing her to be the one who feeds your dog, gets your mail, makes you dinner. I am not saying estrange from her, I am saying be an adult and live your own life and let mom do her thing with whatever behavior she wants to have. She throws a fit, then set a boundary. "gotta go, mom, bye."

Mom won't like this, sister won't like this. Don't back down if you really want out of this sticky web of enmeshment. It won't be easy. But it is worth it in the long run if this is what you want.

We have an extended family of people with big time enmeshment issues and codependency. Recently several people came to tell us to fix a problem another family member is having with us. "You have to fix this, poor so and so is so upset." Okay, well so and so has the problematic behavior, so and so has told everyone how upset they are with us. All these people wanted us to fix the problem that is so and so's personality issue so that so and so will stop calling them and complaining about us. I told all of them we can't fix other people and just go this codependent "yes, but can't you try, you have to do something." No, the answer is for all these listeners to tell the so and so to come talk it out with us, to stop being so angry and vindictive, to stop talking about the issue with you (been going on for almost a year!!!). Sometimes people try to make the problem our problem when it isn't. We have to walk away from getting involved or enmeshed or taking charge or ownership. All we can do is change ourselves, manage ourselves. Sometimes we just have to detach and let other do their own thing.

Urbangardner,

You are right, mom won't change. I know this. And I do all of the things you have suggested. I don't give in to my mom's tantrums like I used to. I set boundaries with her and I hold to them, even when she doesn't like it. The problem is that I am very close to my sister, but my sister hasn't set those boundaries with our mom, so she ends up being put in the middle of everything.

Again, I know I can't control my sister's behaviors either. We've spent most of our lives living in this codependent triangle with our mom, and these behaviors won't change overnight - for my sister or for me. However, I have an easier time setting boundaries than my sister does. Part of that, I believe, is due to the fact that she is the older sister and has been expected to be the "fixer" in the family because of her familial placement. Sometimes I struggle to hold boundaries with my mom for my sister's sake because I feel that my sister gets the short end of the stick in a lot of situations with our mom.

Although, I do frequently tell my sister when she complains to me that she has a choice in the matter and if she wants things to be different, she needs to set boundaries with our mom and learn to put herself first. Over the last few months I have noticed that she is doing better with that, but we both still have a long way to go.

With my mum I had to mentally and physically detach . When my parents realised they couldn’t control me there was nothing much they could do .

My dad is a lot healthy so he didn’t have issues with me becoming independent . My mom had To deal with it when she realised I was not going to back down .

Journaling and therapy really helped me . There’s a guy called Jerry wise on YouTube and he has a lot of great videos on recovery and a. family systems approach which you may find useful .