Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
I was in what I thought was the best relationship of my life. However, I didn't realize that what I interpreted to be "love" was more codependent issues and pushed my partner to a breaking point.
Just an example: If I texted him good morning to be sweet and he didn't reply until the afternoon - I would get upset and start an unnecessary fight. I know I have unrealistic expectations that I am his first and last thought of the day - he explained although I am/was very important to him, that's not always the case for him. He has a very busy life/work schedule which can cause his days to be rushed and stressful. I know my nagging only makes it worse - but I am so codepedent I get in my head to think of all these reasons he is not talking to me when I should be on his mind.
We are currently officially not together - I truly want to get better and to prove I can have a healthy relationship with him. CoDA Meetings are very limited in my area. I know that getting involved in something or meeting new people to have a separate life instead of revolving my life around my boyfriend is a common suggestion. But I am very very shy and introverted that it's hard for me to meet people.
Does anyone have suggestions? Or motivation to get an introvert out into the real world?
Thanks all.
I found that being in a (divorce support) group, and seeing other people open up so freely, helped me to open up myself.
If part of the reason you're introverted is because you're insecure about yourself, try to do things that you excel at, or really enjoy, that you can share with others to boost your self esteem. Or join events where people from all walks of life participate in, that you can do alone. I keep wanting to go to one of the Home Depot clinics where they teach you things (time is an issue). Or join in a 5K walk or run. Do you have a dog? People are usually very receptive to speaking to dog owners, especially if the pup is cute! Volunteering in an organization you support is a good idea too. Places where you can meet people who share a common interest, and where the conversations can be focused around something specific, as usually easier to be comfortable in.
Start slow. You can't change your internal hard-wiring, but you can always tweak things.
As this relationship has ended, painfully, I have recognized that I need to make changes within myself in order to have a healthy relationship with anyone.
I have lived most of my life believing that I am introverted, because I am shy. Recently I had the revelation that I am not an introvert. I'm not a total extrovert either, but I do love people.
I feel that my codependence is the result of thinking patterns, and brain chemistry. Both of which influence one another.
I have started supplements to help promote healthy brain chemistry. I have started exercising daily as well for the same reason. Also, I have made a challenge to myself to reach out to one person a day (call, text, e-mail, letter, get together. it depends on how i'm feeling), and to read for at least 15 minutes a day. I read to educate myself on healthy patterns (Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody is wonderful and has been extremely helpful) and for pleasure because I think it is a form of active meditation and trains my mind to be present rather than focusing on negative what ifs.
All of these daily goals, and ANYTHING positive i do for myself (only the positive things) I log daily in a little monthly planner that I have, along with a star system of my general mood/anxiety levels through the beginning, middle and end of the day. I fill it out right before I go to sleep. This way I have a tangible thing to watch my progress, and when I have bad days I can look back to see maybe why that was. Small steps at a time work for me, an only focusing on the positive things I'm doing, rather than what I'm not.
I know this advice I'll give seems super impossible, but please, please, please, focus on you, do you, learn about you, try to steer all this energy (or most of it) thinking about him back to you.
Make an effort to go to a meeting. Only one, just to see what it's like. You don't even have to say anything, just sit there and listen and they'll understand.
I think we're like this not because we want to or that is our nature, we've learned to be this way from our past. It may seem as impossible to figure out these reasons as it seems impossible to fix the relationship. We focus on the relationship though because there's evidence right there of why it's not ok. But who's the source of at least 50% of the problems, whose thoughts you know, whose past you've seen? Making an effort to learn why we're this way works, different from trying to fix the relationship by focusing on the problems we see there. We can change us.
This is hard, but you're not alone in this. There are so many resources that can help you, they'll make the work less scary.
A big hug, keep going!