To be in place that is unfamiliar is so threatening and uncomfortable... It was very hard for me to remain NC with my BF who is now EX. Why?

Because
1. I dont want to feel what i am feeling
2. Familiarity of Unknown
3. No Support
4. No self Identity

I started my recovery by reading lot of Codependency books and Articles and regularly attending meetings and therapy. Its not easy it felt like i would die but eventually Journal became my best friend...I started writing everything and anything... Had a support group to reach to ... Developed interests and groups and kept myself occupied...

Set some goals if 30, 60, 90 days NC then you will pamper yourself with something .. That really helped. My therapist recommended for me to NC for 6 months .... I took the challenge..

First step is to accept and it takes lot of courage ... There will be setbacks, There will be lot of feelings take one day at a time.

Something i got from recovery that helped me whenever i had a feeling that i cant let go.


LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more
and
To let go and to let God, is to find peace !

It's okay that you aren't where you want to be yet. It takes time. Even if you fall back to an unhealthy relationship any small change is a great progress if your in therapy and going to meetings. Can you start small if you do talk to him and he calls you names can you walk away for a while setting a boundary that you wouldn't talk to him unless he doesn't call you names? Focusing on yourself and creating a list of boundaries for yourself that you would want in the future might be a helpful thing to do...then you could see if there is anything on this list that you can try (even something small) and work your way up. Take it easy on yourself but keep trying. Maybe you could even just take a step to refocus your attention back to yourself whenever you catch yourself thinking of him, worrying, thinking what if, or future focusing. Maybe trying to do that as much as you can, it's okay if its hard and you can't do it a lot at first, in time you'll find a comfort in yourself and the present moment. If you feel really bad feelings trying this I'd suggest write those feelings down and talk to your therapist. These are things I've done as tools in the past, and still do today. I hope you find these suggestions helpful! Good Luck!!!!!

Thank you both so much for you replies. I am definitely in the thick of it right now. Been in and out of the relationship for quite some time but just realizing that I am codependent and how to deal with it. I am in therapy, attending CoDA meetings, and have some books I started reading and now this forum. It really helps talking to people that understand codependency from relationship stand point and knowing I am not alone. I am not sure if we will be in contact again anytime soon if at all, but I'm sure it will happen at some point. The last communication was pretty nasty, but we have also had that before. My therapist actually just recommended the whole only responding if he is being nice or positive approach, and I think I am going to try that should he contact me again. It is really hard to not lash back if he is being mean or negative, but in the end, only responding to positive communication from him will help me as well.

If you don't mind me asking, how long did it take you both to get through all of this? I know everybody is different, I just feel like I am on this codependent roller coaster and feel like it will never end.

I hit rock bottom at the end of 2011...Although I believe Recovery is for life I was able to be in better position by end of 2012... I had the hunger to learn myself ... I did lot of work .. self parenting, inner child healing, weekly therapy , ACOA and CODA meeting twice every week ...family of origin work ... 12 steps, consciously beware of self and most importantly be compassionate to self ... at the end of it I am human and I can do mistakes and learn from them ... I still work on myself everyday but not so much as I did before ... its just a routine I follow now... my communication with others by expressing my feelings had got mw some great friends ... lost few ... when I changed lot of things changed around me... even today I say to self one day at a time all lifetime ...

Hi HTB, it is tough stuff. You are doing the good things you need to do, with reading and learning, CODA and therapy, coming here. Do you have some people from your CODA group that you can call for a bit of extra support in between times? I think we often struggle with reaching out for help when times are tough but it can make a world of difference to get some extra support when we are struggling.

I hope you can eventually add being gentle with yourself to that list too :) That is a very important one too! And give yourself credit for the awareness and progress that you have made already!

My thoughts are with you- it is tough stuff. Give yourself time- it took a life time to learn these habits, it is going to take some time to break them. Take care of yourself :)

Thank you for sharing. I just started CoDA recently. I went a 2 meetings, but have only been to each once, so I don't have anybody that I have connected with yet that can be a support to me, and I am finding out through my friends, that although they are amazing, they are no codependents so they do not quite get what I am going thru and I don't think they understand why this has drug on for so long and why I am having such a hard time letting go.

I definitely am not focused on myself right now...I know I have taken the right steps, but it so early on, nothing is really sinking in yet, I mean, I understand what I am going through, but the changes are not there yet. The only thing I am feeling right now is the loss of the relationship. The overwhelming sadness and yearning to talk to him. I wish I didn't feel this way, he was so unbelievably mean to me, and doesn't understand his issues and blames me for everything, but I am still yearning for the contact and keep checking multiple times throughout the day to see if he has tried. It's really tough.

It's just a long, hard process, and I feel like it is all uphill. It is had to refocus myself when it is all I can think about.

Hi Harder: The book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie is good to read. Until you focus on yourself and place yourself as the priority, you will remain codependent and so will your decisions.

Below are the codependent patterns by CODA. Read through them and you will probably find yourself in them.


Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence (from CODA)

These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers.

Denial Patterns:

I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.
I lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others.
I label others with my negative traits.
I can take care of myself without any help from others.
I mask my pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation.
I express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways.
I do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom I am attracted.

Low Self Esteem Patterns:

I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge what I think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough.
I am embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.
I value others approval of my thinking, feelings, and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
I constantly seek recognition that I think I deserve.
I have difficulty admitting that I made a mistake.
I need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and will even lie to look good.
I am unable to ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I perceive myself as superior to others.
I look to others to provide my sense of safety.
I have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects.
I have trouble setting healthy priorities.

Compliance Patterns:

I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger.
I put aside my own interests in order to do what others want.
I am hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.
I am afraid to express my beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.
I accept sexual attention when I want love.
I make decisions without regard to the consequences.
I give up my truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.

Control Patterns:

I believe most people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel.
I freely offer advice and direction to others without being asked.
I become resentful when others decline my help or reject my advice.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I want to influence.
I use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be needed in order to have a relationship with others.
I demand that my needs be met by others.
I use charm and charisma to convince others of my capacity to be caring and compassionate.
I use blame and shame to emotionally exploit others.
I refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate.
I adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes.
I use terms of recovery in an attempt to control the behavior of others.
I pretend to agree with others to get what I want.

Avoidance Patterns:

I act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward me.
I judge harshly what others think, say, or do.
I avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a means of maintaining distance.
I allow my addictions to people, places, and things to distract me from achieving intimacy in relationships.
I use indirect and evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation.
I diminish my capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use all the tools of recovery.
I suppress my feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.
I pull people toward me, but when they get close, I push them away.
I refuse to give up my self-will to avoid surrendering to a power that is greater than myself.
I believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness.
I withhold expressions of appreciation.

Can someone tell me what NC means?

That said, Harder....I feel like we are living the same life. And it sucks. truly. And I cant explain it either bc I know I deserve better - - in reality there is nothing he brings that is positive....but I do not know how to let go....I just put up a new post about some stuff that happened today, but you arent alone in how you are feeling bc i am literally and exactly in the same place. I'm sorry I dont have advice to offer, but you are in no way alone. And I hope we can both figure this out and move on. Because even though tonight I was meant to feel otherwise, we are not bad. And we do deserve good. Be well...xLAG

NC means No Contact

You're not just CoDa- you are an emotional abuse survivor.

I was there. They strip you of your identity so you cling to them to fill you back up.

Stay NC for good. Don't look back. Get into therapy. One day, you'll know how to only be with a man who treats you like you truly deserve to be treated... as long as you believe it, too.

Deli,

Wow, what u said really hit home. I feel like that is where I am at right now. I can go a few days NC then I get sad and depressed and want nothing more than some kind of communication from him. I hate that I want contact and I hate that I want it from him. I'm in therapy and coda but sometimes the yearn is so powerful and overwhelming I don't know what to do and just sink deeper into sadness :(

I am paralyzed. My son, who I thought would always be there for me, now wants to leave me, too, like my alcoholic husband of 30 years did (again) April 1. Then my beloved dog of 11 1/2 years died the next week, and then I found out my son had applied for, and then got a summer job as a councellor at a camp and will be away all stinking summer!! I do have 2 cats and a dog, who are some comfort, but who, especially the new puppy, have needs, and the puppy needs attention and direction all day. They do not fulfill my emptiness. I don't know where to turn. I feel like an animal trapped in a cage, and the more I struggle to get out, the worse I hurt myself. I've heard, surrender. So I surrender, but things go from bad to worse. I have been like this all my life. I am tired. All the codependency support groups here in Quebec are in French, which I'm not fluent in. I, too am new in this group. The only way I can help you is by letting you know that you are not alone. I don't know how anyone could feel so bad as I do and continue to live. How are we expected to go on? I have no friends, and going for walks with my new little needy puppy just frustrated me, but I do love him. He keeps pulling on the leash and I have to keep correcting. You would think this would take my mind off myself, but I feel even worse. I have nothing to give. I just need, need, need. Everyone (and I don't blame them) wants to get away from my grasping claws. That's how I feel. Like latching onto someone who will take away this pain. And being with someone, even my alcoholic boyfriend, does ease the pain, that's the funny part. I'd rather be with him any day than alone. 'But he doesn't meet many of my needs. Just keeps me from being alone. I'm told that my HP is with me. Where? I keep trying and trying. I feel like I'm in a pool, no an ocean of pain, terror, lonliness. I want to cry out, but nobody will hear. I used to be able to cry out, and there were my poor kids there to listen, but they couldn't do much for me. They were like my little puppy. Needing themselves and not able to help me. As soon as they were old enough, they left, and now the last one is on the verge of that. Where do I turn? What should I do? My social worker doesn't even want to hear me anymore. He's telling me to go to a woman's center (which is about to close for the summer). I went there anyways, today, but they were already closed for the day, and I will still go there for the 1 1/2 or 2 months there is left for the season. Volunteering is another thing, but I've never been able to work, feeling trapped there, too, so I don't think I'd be able to be of much use or too dependable volunteering. I'm 60 years old. If I was any younger it would be easier to meet some stupid drunk and start a new family to keep me company for the next 17 or 18 years or so. I feel SO HOPELESS. Oh, God, Higher Power, Whatever, HELP ME!!