Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
I'm beginning to realize that maybe all of my relationships with others are very codependent. I was codependent on my drug addicted fathers sometimes there sometimes not so much love and presence in my life. I'm still unable to form friendships and especially relationships that are healthy. I'm very untrusting and when I do fall in love or become good friends with someone I try and hold on to them as though it's life our death. I hate being alone but have gone from being outgoing to awkwardly shy. I want friends but I've always felt a little different and wondered why anyone would want to be friends with me even though I've been told I'm smart beautiful and kind. I'm a good person but I feel weighed down by the pain life can send. I was just wondering if anyone else has any of the same feelings. I was searching for faith, and still have been, religion/God wise, and started to wonder if I can't feel what others who are healthy feel because my intentions are codependent... I need things and people to make me feel okay. I know this is so not right but it doesn't change. I'm mortified of not having friends so my best friend is a mean selfish irresponsible girl I no longer have much in common with.. My boyfriend is emotionally abusive and has also been physically in the past. I stay because I want to be loved and feel OKAY. I've struggled in the past with a pill addiction, and although I'm sober and stay away from pills, I still smoke. I feel that's a codependent unhealthy habit... I just don't know how to get past this. Any book movie blog recommendations? Thanks y'all :(
Ross Rosenberg, M.Ed., LCPC, CADC
The dance of codependency requires two people: the pleaser/fixer and the taker/controller. This inherently dysfunctional dance can only happen with one partner who is a codependent and another partner who is a narcissist (abuser or addict). Codependents do not know how to emotionally disconnect or avoid significant relationships with individuals who are selfish, controlling, and harmful to them. They find partners who are experienced with their dance style: a dance that begins as thrilling and exciting, but ends up rife with drama, conflict, and feelings of being trapped.
When a codependent and narcissist come together in a relationship, their dance, unfolds flawlessly: the narcissistic partner maintains the lead and the codependent follows. Because the codependent gives up their power, the dance is perfectly coordinated: no one gets their toes stepped on.
Typically, codependents give of themselves much more than their partners give to them. As a generous but bitter partner, they seem to be stuck on the dance floor, always waiting for next song, at which time their partner will finally understand their needs. The codependent confuses care-taking and sacrifice with love and responsibility. Although they are proud of their self-described strength, unselfishness, and endless compassion, they end up feeling deflated, empty, and yearning to be loved, but angry that they are not. They are essentially stuck in a pattern of giving and sacrificing, without the potential of receiving the same from their partner. When they dance, they often pretend to enjoy the dance, but usually hide their feelings of bitterness, sadness, and loneliness.
The codependents fears and insecurities create a sense of pessimism and doubt over ever finding a healthy partner, someone who could love them for who they are versus what they can do. Naturally, the narcissist is attracted to the codependents lack of self-worth and low self-esteem. They intuitively know that they will be able to control this person and be able to choose and control the dancing experience.
All codependents want balance in their relationships, but seem to consistently choose a partner who leads them to chaos and resentment. When given a chance to stop dancing with their narcissistic partner, or comfortably sit out the dance until someone healthy comes around, they choose to continue to dance. The codependent dares not to leave their narcissistic dance partner because their lack of self-esteem and low sense of self-worth manifests into the fear of being alone. Being alone is equivalent to feeling lonely, and loneliness is an intolerable feeling for a codependent.
Without self-esteem or feelings of personal power, the codependent does not know how to choose healthy (mutually giving) partners. Their inability to find a healthy partner is usually related to an unconscious motivation to find a person who is familiarsomeone who reminds them of their powerless childhood. Many codependents come from families in which they were children of parents who were also experts at the dance. Their fear of being alone, compulsion to control and fix at any cost, and comfort in their role as the martyr who is endlessly loving, devoted, and patient, is a result of roles they observed early on in their childhood.
No matter how often the codependent tries to avoid unhealthy partners, they find themselves consistently on the dance floor dancing to different songs, but with the same dance partner. Through psychotherapy and, perhaps, a 12-step recovery program, the codependent begins to recognize that their dream to dance the grand dance of love, reciprocity, and mutuality, is indeed possible. Through therapy and/or change of lifestyle, they build self-esteem, personal power, and hope to finally dance with partners who are willing and capable to share the lead, communicate their movements, and pursue a shared rhythm.
http://www.rossrosenbergtherapist.com/codependency---dont-dance.html
I seem to drag my code issues into workplace relationships, which does not make me a very good employee. Altho' I am a very hard worker (perfectionist).
I made the common mistake of isolating myself (because I feel out of place and I don't want to hurt people). I've learned a lot since joining ACA telephone meetings (they have face-to-face meetings, too) and the ACA "laundry list" ("the Problem") fits me to a T. The idea is that by living in "the Solution" -- I will be able to have healthier relationships. I'm still trying to figure that out, but ACA is not just for "Adult Children of Alcoholics" but for Anyone who comes from Dysfunctional Families. Their website is: www.adultchildren.org
Keep exploring until something fits or makes sense. I don't know about movies, but perhaps there's some Youtube videos on the subject ?
You're in the right place :)
I agree with amelah. Many of us carry our Co traits into every relationship because that is the way we have learned to cope. Put me in a group of people and it did not matter who or where, I would do the same type of thing (people-please), have trouble saying "no" blah. blah.
We can learn new behaviors, but it is not easy at all. You are in the right place, though. :-)
Hugs,
Shar