My thought is.... If you keep getting the same results that you are not happy with then something needs to change. As we can only change ourselves then perhaps you need to be looking in that direction. I've been in a long term relationship, together for 25 years, married for 22 of them. As I became aware of my unhealthy behaviour and looked for help, healing has begun and our relationship has blossomed. Not perfect but healthier than before.

I wouldn't know. I haven't been in a relationship in 18 years for fear that it will be the same dynamic -- with someone else. Afterall, I'm still me. That's why I'm asking...

Thanks for sharing your experience w/ me. Much appreciated.

Hi,

I had a really great marriage, despite my codependency. My husband balanced me out. He was the opposite of me in so many ways. I learned a lot from him, too. We had similar values, which is why I think our marriage worked, and there was a lot of compromise, too. I would still be married to him; I miss him like crazy. (He died unexpectedly after what was supposed to be a routine surgery-and way too young, too.)

I know sometimes my co stuff would drive him a little crazy at times, because he was so direct with people. He said "yes" when he meant "yes" and "no" when he meant "no". And he had no issue telling me "no", too, lol. He did not let bullies or others get away with things, either. He would call them out on it. I remember once when someone was trying to pull a fast one and he spoke up. My face was red, I was looking down because I did not like confrontation, but inside, I was glad that he did not let them get away with their bad behavior. :-)

Shar

Gosh, I hope so. I'm just getting out of a bad marriage which really brought out the code in me. I'm going to therapy and think I'm making great progress at changing my perspective and the way I react to situations. I hope to be able to have a good relationship in the future. But right now I'm concentrating on working on myself. I won't even date until I have learned to love myself.

I don't know. I'm at the starting point of codependency rehabilitation (not in anything professional at this time; just relying on this site and getting educated on the issue.) My husband and I do not share a healthy, intimate relationship. He is a porn addict. He has no clue what true intimacy is yet thinks he knows everything. Sex w/him leaves me feeling dirty. Let's not give up hope there is a better future awaiting us. I can look back on one exquisite, healthy, intimate relationship many years ago. That makes me hope the possibility is still there, waiting for us to make ourselves healthy.

Yes. You have to learn to master the art of attach...then detach. I'm getting better at it.

thank you everyone for sharing and posting. And Shar, my heart goes out to you on your loss ... and I thank you for relating just how great it can be ... for giving me hope... (my best friend is my balance, but he's gay and lives 800 miles away) ... ((HUGS))