Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Hi,
This is my first time posting here. I'm 24 years old from NJ. I wanted to post here because I think codependency is my problem but I'm not 100% sure. I thought maybe OCD, maybe it's 50/50, maybe it's just life! but any advice is much needed.
I live with my parents. I've always been more adult than your average kid. When I was 9, my mom got a lot of problems with her legs and was in a wheelchair so I took care of her a lot. About 6 years ago, she lost her leg and my dad lost his job on the same day - which is where life went completely downhill. We lost our house of 30+ years (almost got foreclosed on), moved into a small house (which is difficult with the wheelchair and everything). My mom and dad both suffer from diabetes, depression, anxiety, etc. My mom is also legally blind and to make matters worse... my dad just found out he has cancer. Luckily, he got surgery, radiation and chemo is doing better (with the help of charity care and medicare). My mom, however, has NO health insurance (nor do I) and won't give her disability because she doesn't have enough work points. They are getting rid of my dad's charity care in July and my mom won't be able to get charity care (my mom is always in hospitals) so as you can imagine... we have more expenses than the average family and the money we do have is leaving fast which is stressful.
My dad is non-stop worried about finances, going into hospitals, paying for anything as you can imagine but with all of this... stress is high which makes me nervous. I'm CONSTANTLY on top of my mom & dad's medicines, food intake, dealing with worries, making to-do lists, making sure they go to bed on time, etc. I want to help and I've been doing it my whole life so it's really almost all I know. If I go to a club or wherever, I'm always calling to make sure they took pills on time. I call because I'm worried and because they have terrible memories and forget everything and I want to make sure it's taken care of. I'm afraid if I don't do these things... they will forget something or worry too much and die. My biggest fear is my parents dying. I feel like, as stupid as it is, something as simple as a 'bedtime' can go horribly wrong and they just get sick from it. I know my mom isn't happy with me a lot of times because she is being treated like a child. I do not have ANY intention of wanting to make her feel like that but... I guess it happens. Just all the stress my dad especially brings on himself 24/7 makes so worried that he'll die.
I feel like everyday life is a chore. I wake up, I take care of people and sure... I do a lot of things on my computer and still go out with a friend or two during the week but 90% of my life is worrying about them and if things will get done. I'm so happy to go to bed because it means I'll be asleep and I won't have to deal with anything. I don't own a car and I don't go to college (because of money) and I don't currently work because I took off for 4 months for my dad's surgery. I work in retail and food business otherwise.
Point is... I know what I'm doing is not good. I know a need therapy of some kind but for right now internet will have to be my therapy. I do take anxiety meds but they don't help me for daily tasks I guess you can say. I love my parents more than anything in this world and my only intention is to help. I've lost myself completely. I'm not happy... I truly believe everything will turn out okay in the end but... I'm still scared. I'd love some advice and anything will be appreciated! Sorry this is so long!
This is my first time posting here. I'm 24 years old from NJ. I wanted to post here because I think codependency is my problem but I'm not 100% sure. I thought maybe OCD, maybe it's 50/50, maybe it's just life! but any advice is much needed.
I live with my parents. I've always been more adult than your average kid. When I was 9, my mom got a lot of problems with her legs and was in a wheelchair so I took care of her a lot. About 6 years ago, she lost her leg and my dad lost his job on the same day - which is where life went completely downhill. We lost our house of 30+ years (almost got foreclosed on), moved into a small house (which is difficult with the wheelchair and everything). My mom and dad both suffer from diabetes, depression, anxiety, etc. My mom is also legally blind and to make matters worse... my dad just found out he has cancer. Luckily, he got surgery, radiation and chemo is doing better (with the help of charity care and medicare). My mom, however, has NO health insurance (nor do I) and won't give her disability because she doesn't have enough work points. They are getting rid of my dad's charity care in July and my mom won't be able to get charity care (my mom is always in hospitals) so as you can imagine... we have more expenses than the average family and the money we do have is leaving fast which is stressful.
My dad is non-stop worried about finances, going into hospitals, paying for anything as you can imagine but with all of this... stress is high which makes me nervous. I'm CONSTANTLY on top of my mom & dad's medicines, food intake, dealing with worries, making to-do lists, making sure they go to bed on time, etc. I want to help and I've been doing it my whole life so it's really almost all I know. If I go to a club or wherever, I'm always calling to make sure they took pills on time. I call because I'm worried and because they have terrible memories and forget everything and I want to make sure it's taken care of. I'm afraid if I don't do these things... they will forget something or worry too much and die. My biggest fear is my parents dying. I feel like, as stupid as it is, something as simple as a 'bedtime' can go horribly wrong and they just get sick from it. I know my mom isn't happy with me a lot of times because she is being treated like a child. I do not have ANY intention of wanting to make her feel like that but... I guess it happens. Just all the stress my dad especially brings on himself 24/7 makes so worried that he'll die.
I feel like everyday life is a chore. I wake up, I take care of people and sure... I do a lot of things on my computer and still go out with a friend or two during the week but 90% of my life is worrying about them and if things will get done. I'm so happy to go to bed because it means I'll be asleep and I won't have to deal with anything. I don't own a car and I don't go to college (because of money) and I don't currently work because I took off for 4 months for my dad's surgery. I work in retail and food business otherwise.
Point is... I know what I'm doing is not good. I know a need therapy of some kind but for right now internet will have to be my therapy. I do take anxiety meds but they don't help me for daily tasks I guess you can say. I love my parents more than anything in this world and my only intention is to help. I've lost myself completely. I'm not happy... I truly believe everything will turn out okay in the end but... I'm still scared. I'd love some advice and anything will be appreciated! Sorry this is so long!
I do understand that you are your parents caretaker, but you have taken it to the extreme. You do not need to be taking all of it on your shoulders.
Your mother is right, they are adults and so you must leave some of the responsibility up to them. They have not lost their minds, they may have had many health issues but they still have their minds and so by you trying to control their every thought and action you are not allowing them to be responsible for themselves.
Sorry I don't mean to sound harsh by saying that, and I am sorry if it comes across that way, but you deserve to have a life too. Please try to step back a little from checking up on them all the time. It will take some of the stress off you too.
You may ant to get hold of a copy of The New Codependency by Melody Beattie and read it. I think you would find it very helpful in trying to reduce your feeling of being so caught up in your parents' lives.
I know it is initially hard to know where to draw the line between what we now do and what we really only need to do. What we do is quite possibly right, but we just tend to take it to extreme levels.
I hope this helps a little.
Most of us try to control the future in a way we think we can... When you think life has to unfold on its on and leave your worries to higher power lot of things become clear and than you have a positive attitude towards life.
Dont Panic by Ried Wilson is a great book for Anxiety
Also dont overwhelm yourself, take one day at a time and try and live in present ....