Hi everyone.
i have been popping in here for a while without posting, my story is long and seems tedious even to me!
I have got myself in a right pickle again with a guysiiigh!

anyway I have been trying to work on myself with the book by this lady and found it helpful to clarify so I thought I would share the list.

Symptoms of Codependency
By DARLENE LANCER, JD, MFT

Symptoms of CodependencyThe term codependency has been around for almost four decades. Although it originally applied to spouses of alcoholics, first called co-alcoholics, researchers revealed that the characteristics of codependents were much more prevalent in the general population than had been imagined. In fact, they found that if you were raised in a dysfunctional family or had an ill parent, youre likely codependent.

Dont feel bad if that includes you. Most American families are dysfunctional. Youre in the majority!

Researchers also found that codependent symptoms got worse if left untreated. The good news is that theyre reversible.

Following is a list of symptoms of codependents. You neednt have them all to qualify as codependent.

Low self-esteem.Feeling that youre not good enough or comparing yourself to others are signs of low self-esteem. The tricky thing about self-esteem is that some people think highly of themselves, but its only a disguise they actually feel unlovable or inadequate. Underneath, usually hidden from consciousness, are feelings of shame.Guilt and perfectionism often go along with low self-esteem. If everything is perfect, you dont feel bad about yourself.

People-pleasing. Its fine to want to please someone you care about, but codependents usually dont think they have a choice. Saying No causes them anxiety. Some codependents have a hard time saying No to anyone. They go out of their way and sacrifice their own needs to accommodate other people.

Poor boundaries.Boundaries are sort of an imaginary line between you and others. It divides up whats yours and somebody elses, and that applies not only to your body, money, and belongings, but also to your feelings, thoughts and needs. Thats especially where codependents get into trouble. They have blurry or weak boundaries. They feel responsible for other peoples feelings and problems or blame their own on someone else.Some codependents have rigid boundaries. They are closed off and withdrawn, making it hard for other people to get close to them. Sometimes, people flip back and forth between having weak boundaries and having rigid ones.

Reactivity. A consequence of poor boundaries is that you react to everyones thoughts and feelings. If someone says something you disagree with, you either believe it or become defensive. You absorb their words, because theres no boundary. With a boundary, youd realize it was just their opinion and not a reflection of you and not feel threatened by disagreements.

Caretaking. Another effect of poor boundaries is that if someone else has a problem, you want to help them to the point that you give up yourself. Its natural to feel empathy and sympathy for someone, but codependents start putting other people ahead of themselves. In fact, they need to help and might feel rejected if another person doesnt want help. Moreover, they keep trying to help and fix the other person, even when that person clearly isnt taking their advice.

Control.Control helps codependents feel safe and secure. Everyone needs some control over events in their life. You wouldnt want to live in constant uncertainty and chaos, but for codependents, control limits their ability to take risks and share their feelings. Sometimes they have an addiction that either helps them loosen up, like alcoholism, or helps them hold their feelings down, like workaholism, so that they dont feel out of control.Codependents also need to control those close to them, because they need other people to behave in a certain way to feel okay. In fact, people-pleasing and care-taking can be used to control and manipulate people. Alternatively, codependents are bossy and tell you what you should or shouldnt do. This is a violation of someone elses boundary.
Dysfunctional communication. Codependents have trouble when it comes to communicating their thoughts, feelings and needs. Of course, if you dont know what you think, feel or need, this becomes a problem. Other times, you know, but you wont own up to your truth. Youre afraid to be truthful, because you dont want to upset someone else. Instead of saying, I dont like that, you might pretend that its okay or tell someone what to do. Communication becomes dishonest and confusing when you try to manipulate the other person out of fear.

Obsessions.Codependents have a tendency to spend their time thinking about other people or relationships. This is caused by their dependency and anxieties and fears. They can also become obsessed when they think theyve made or might make a mistake.Sometimes you can lapse into fantasy about how youd like things to be or about someone you love as a way to avoid the pain of the present. This is one way to stay in denial, discussed below, but it keeps you from living your life.

Dependency. Codependents need other people to like them to feel okay about themselves. Theyre afraid of being rejected or abandoned, even if they can function on their own. Others need always to be in a relationship, because they feel depressed or lonely when theyre by themselves for too long. This trait makes it hard for them to end a relationship, even when the relationship is painful or abusive. They end up feeling trapped.

Denial. One of the problems people face in getting help for codependency is that theyre in denial about it, meaning that they dont face their problem. Usually they think the problem is someone else or the situation. They either keep complaining or trying to fix the other person, or go from one relationship or job to another and never own up the fact that they have a problem.Codependents also deny their feelings and needs. Often, they dont know what theyre feeling and are instead focused on what others are feeling. The same thing goes for their needs. They pay attention to other peoples needs and not their own. They might be in denial of their need for space and autonomy. Although some codependents seem needy, others act like theyre self-sufficient when it comes to needing help. They wont reach out and have trouble receiving. They are in denial of their vulnerability and need for love and intimacy.

Problems with intimacy. By this Im not referring to sex, although sexual dysfunction often is a reflection of an intimacy problem. Im talking about being open and close with someone in an intimate relationship. Because of the shame and weak boundaries, you might fear that youll be judged, rejected, or left. On the other hand, you may fear being smothered in a relationship and losing your autonomy. You might deny your need for closeness and feel that your partner wants too much of your time; your partner complains that youre unavailable, but he or she is denying his or her need for separateness.

Painful emotions. Codependency creates stress and leads to painful emotions. Shame and low self-esteem create anxiety and fear about being judged, rejected or abandoned; making mistakes; being a failure; feeling trapped by being close or being alone. The other symptoms lead to feelings of anger and resentment, depression, hopelessness, and despair. When the feelings are too much, you can feel numb.
There is help for recovery and change. The first step is getting guidance and support. These symptoms are deeply ingrained habits and difficult to identify and change on your own. Join a 12-Step program, such as Codependents Anonymous or seek counseling. Work on becoming more assertive and building your self-esteem.