Hi,

That is the kind of communication (honestly expressing needs and wants) that is needed for healthy recovery. Many Cos (like me) have tried to anticipate people's needs too much; we try to be mind readers. And we are not. You have to decide what is best for you, but you could tell him that if he does not tell you what he wants, you are no longer going to try to guess.

Good Luck!

Shar

Possum, there is NOTHING wrong with it. He may not like it at first because he's used to your beck and call and he likes not having verbalize and make requests. Not only does he like it, but because of the patterns you've set for the marriage he expects it and is probably down right afraid of having to relearn how to interact with you. Verbal communication is key. You can anticipate certain needs because of how well you know him but you are not a mind reader.

If you know he likes his tea at 3 oclock, ask him if he wants tea. But only do this for a little while and only for things you know he wants after having had "long standing requests" for. Other than that, focus on things you want to do. This WILL create conflict at first because right now, the relationship is all about him. Let him know that there are things you like to do to, but if he wants to do something with you that you'd love to have him participate or something along those lines.

Also remember that he may feel like having to ask is a burden so be aware of that.

Changing the pattern is very important. This is my focus now. For me and probably most of us, the awareness comes easy. The admitting to ourselves that we are codependent and that it will take time to recover has to be acknowledged before any change starts or start to feel comfortable.

I am starting to be uncomfortable not expressing myself. My therapist told me that is when change happens. When your habits and the things that you used to do feel different, uneasy and uncomfortable is when change is ready. Not easy, but at least ready. It is a cue from your body, mind and spirit trying to give you the push and confidence.

I know I cannot have any quick fix on myself or my relationship. I need to start to openly talk to my wife about everything. She has the choice to listen or not. That is her choice. It is also my choice to share with her. I have been talking myself out of communicating with her because I felt she may be upset or doubt that what I am doing is true to myself for me and not for her and the relationship.


Listen to yourself, you are ready.

I too have problems with this type of thing and I also tend to expect others to know what I am thinking or feeling without giving them any feedback or saying what is going on. As well it is paralyzing. It freezes one's thinking. It's also pretty stressful, isn't it. This pattern I am also trying to change. I now welcome inout from others and am learning,slowly, that by telling others what I feel and think at times is really for the better in the long run. I think you are right in expecting direct communication from him. I hope he agrees for your sake

Possum - Glad you are thinking differently. Thats growth in your recovery.

Definitely ask him to speak to you directly instead of assuming and you can do that very gently. Understand that it goes likewise too... whatever your needs and wants are needs to be communicated.. Nobody is mind reader.

Frankly when i stopped reading others or when i stopped expecting others to read me it was more peaceful for me. Still in process of habit but i am getting there.

Wow, it's called "communication." Insist on it. There's no reason not to communicate properly. You may both find in time that things are actually better when each of you knows what the other wants because they TELL you. But it may still be hard if you do tell him and he doesn't listen. That was my problem, but not anymore.