Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
I have recently discovered and have accepted that I am codependent. I didn't really know what it meant until a couple of months ago.
My codependency stems mainly from feeling abandoned by my father when my parents divorced (I was 6) and how I was taught to manage bullies in junior high and high school. That time of life when I should have been learning who I am, what I like/don't like, what I believe and what I stand for was stolen from me.
Thankfully, I now how a pretty good sense of self and am happy with who I am. Well, I am until a relationship enters the picture.
When I find someone I like I revert to that little girl who desperately wants a man that she thinks loves her or has potential to love her to stay in her life and not leave. Because of the coping skills I learned from the bullying, I learned that I should put up with a lot of stuff to make that happen.
I'm now able to recognize where I exhibited that behavior in the past, and when I am behaving that way even now. I have found though that recognizing it is not even half the battle. Finding the courage to change the behavior and following through with the change without feeling lost and hopeless is nearly impossible.
I have an OK relationship with my father now. He has expressed deep remorse over not being around much when I was growing up. In my relationships though I find that I can't move past the blame I place on my parents and the grief I feel for not being able to keep "a man" in my life and feeling abandoned over and over. Yes, I do realize that I am a full grown adult and am responsible for my own actions now, but I have a hard time not blaming my parents for how I got to where I am in the relationship department.
I also recognize that a big part of my problem is the type of man I am attracted to. I find that I am really drawn to emotionally unavailable men because I am subconsciously trying to relive that abandoned relationship from when I was a girl. I'm reliving it in order to find an outcome where the man loves me and stays.
Can I change that attraction to emotionally unavailable men? To be honest, when I find a man that IS emotionally available and interested in me, I usually feel smothered or that there must be something wrong with him.
How do I move past the blame and the grief and change the kind of man I am attracted to?
My codependency stems mainly from feeling abandoned by my father when my parents divorced (I was 6) and how I was taught to manage bullies in junior high and high school. That time of life when I should have been learning who I am, what I like/don't like, what I believe and what I stand for was stolen from me.
Thankfully, I now how a pretty good sense of self and am happy with who I am. Well, I am until a relationship enters the picture.
When I find someone I like I revert to that little girl who desperately wants a man that she thinks loves her or has potential to love her to stay in her life and not leave. Because of the coping skills I learned from the bullying, I learned that I should put up with a lot of stuff to make that happen.
I'm now able to recognize where I exhibited that behavior in the past, and when I am behaving that way even now. I have found though that recognizing it is not even half the battle. Finding the courage to change the behavior and following through with the change without feeling lost and hopeless is nearly impossible.
I have an OK relationship with my father now. He has expressed deep remorse over not being around much when I was growing up. In my relationships though I find that I can't move past the blame I place on my parents and the grief I feel for not being able to keep "a man" in my life and feeling abandoned over and over. Yes, I do realize that I am a full grown adult and am responsible for my own actions now, but I have a hard time not blaming my parents for how I got to where I am in the relationship department.
I also recognize that a big part of my problem is the type of man I am attracted to. I find that I am really drawn to emotionally unavailable men because I am subconsciously trying to relive that abandoned relationship from when I was a girl. I'm reliving it in order to find an outcome where the man loves me and stays.
Can I change that attraction to emotionally unavailable men? To be honest, when I find a man that IS emotionally available and interested in me, I usually feel smothered or that there must be something wrong with him.
How do I move past the blame and the grief and change the kind of man I am attracted to?
I don't know the answer. I thought that if we got ourselves healthier, we'd attract healthier men, but I am still attracting men at the extreme end of the dysfunctional spectrum and I know I'm nowhere near that dysfunctional myself. I don't get it.
with that being said... i think for me it's about having standards and not dropping them. If my standards are too high or unrealistic, i'll tweak them to fit me... my preferences and my likes.
I'm still getting healthy and don't want to continue to travel down that road that i spent far too long on... while i don't have all the answers,
i realized the other day because of my own past, and the way that I grew up that i really don't know what healthy looks like, I don't fully know who me is, and i really don't know the meaning of love... and right now, that's ok.
I'm attracted to these emotionally unavailable men because I'm trying to recreate that emotionally damaging situation from my childhood where my dad left our family to be with another woman. My dad was emotionally and physically unavailable, so I'm trying to find someone with those characteristics in order to change the outcome - so I FINALLY have a man in my life that loves me enough to stay in my life. It's so painful to admit that and relive those emotions. I just want to be attracted to the RIGHT kind of man who wants to be a part of my life from the get go - not someone I feel a need to convince that I'm "good enough" for him.
However the men I attract are totally opposite, the one I had was very needy. He was also abusive we separated but now I'm contemplating going back. The wierd thing is though that he got me outside of myself. Just from the way his personality is. I swear we mirror each other. He has his abusive ways and I have mine. I am verbally abusive, that's the first time I've admitted it, and my verbal abuse stems from losing control (codependent) I have a brutal tongue and I lash out.
You said you had a good sense of self, which is a start and should help you decide what kind of man you do need in your life, or if you even need one at all. I read somewhere a woman marries her daddy, which I found fascinating I need to find that book and that passage so I can really finish the sentence.
I would think the only way to move past the blame and guilt is where are you putting the blame? On yourself, and what are you feeling guilty about? That you possibly had something to contribute to your dad leaving, because all kids internalize that as maybe I wasn't a good enough kid, that's why dad left, according to DR. PHil.
I would think that is what questions you would need to answer for yourself, and then go from there.
Then we know to avoid.
if a mn that we're attacted to, excuse yourself and run the oppest direction. This is very hard but similar to re -cover ing smoker. we will also want a cig as in once in a while we will want n c n smell n want so we half to fight against our self not to give in.
Yes we half to make our self to avoid - certain men.
Like the former smoker I think that we will always have that battle w/in.
Presuming the metaphor is apt, I did this with salt in my diet.
I wanted to stop eating it, since it leads to inflammation in the body, which is the NUMBER ONE cause of ALL sickness. True...
So, cold turkey, I cut out ALL SALT. ALL. I cooked ALL my food from whole ingredients. (Warning- you still need iodine, so be careful...)
I ate steamed rice and veg, beans with tons of garlic and spices. You'd be surprised how much flavor there is in a piece of fresh produce once you retrain your taste buds. Don't forget- no prepared sauces!
After about two weeks of this, I tried ONE potato chip. I couldn't eat it. I was THAT sensitive all of a sudden.
It's amazing how you develop a tolerance for crap if you eat it long enough.
Take that an apply it to men. Swear off from them for at least six months. That means NO interaction. (Even at work, unless you *have* to, but try to do that by email. You can even say that you have to stay extra focused for a while and can't socialize much b/c you've got other things going on that requires your focus.) Don't even talk to them at the store; only speak to females...
After six months, slowly re-introduce them into your life.
You'll see that you will view them in different ways. Your blinders will be removed and you will see clearly since you de-toxed from all the crap.
Trust me. Try it. If you balk at the idea... then explore why my suggestion seems so extreme to you...
Good luck!