Hi h,

What I say is that you just need to stay calm and wait until he comes back to you, and he will come back soon, and then you can tell him off properly.

A 40 year marriage is a huge deal even to the cold hearted men, so your husband is NOT undamaged by the separation.

If you think that he is out having some jolly fun time then you are deceiving your self, and the younger woman will not like it so well either.

Evil wants victims more than any victory.

So if you do not be his victim then his victory will be bitter to him and he will become miserable.

And this group is always the right place.

Welcome here.

I am sorry for what you are going through. My husband left me after 20 years of my marriage and took all of my savings.

What helped me was sharing here and just writing and writing in your journal. I also wrote letters to him which I did not send to release all the anger. And hitting pillows, screaming as loud as you can in the closet still are ways I tried to get the pain and hurt out.

Also I would suggest if possible to go to face to face co dependent meetings as well.

You are sharing here. You are not alone. And you are moving forward.

You are in prayers.

Hullibee...first off *virtual hug* and a WARM welcome xxoo\

So sorry for your loss, that is a darn long time to be married!! Sheesh, that in itself deserves a pat on the back for even achieving that many years in marriage......

I am sorry though about the situation at hand. I think coming here can help you a lot just for a safe and anonymous place to vent, hurt, gain feedback and support, etc.

You know, I have some theory's with crying myself, a lot of them are sort of made up and might sound slightly esoteric, but I would love to share them to hopefully give you some comfort about crying.

Crying in my opinion, is a way to cleanse the body and to ensure you are not storing the pain within yourself which can cause dis-ease (aka disease). By crying you are releasing those feelings and allowing yourself to truly be in your present state. Mourning your loss is totally 100% natural and very very good for you and your soul to accomplish. If you were to try and turn that off and pretend those feelings are not existing all in an effort to not cry....who knows how that would manifest itself at a later time in your life (cancers, depression, anger/aggression).....so processing this now as you are is real, authentic and staying true to yourself......

As well, you may be crying not only for the hurt of today related to him leaving you, but the historical hurts which may have been overlooked previously all in the name of "being a good and loyal wife". So maybe consider thinking about all the reasons you might be crying is 40 years worth of 'stuff' that is now coming forth.

So to me, the crying is very very good for you. As well, I believe it will create a stronger version of yourself for when you need to go thru more challenging processes in this situation; if you move forward with a divorce, dealing with lawyers, etc. or even if the decision arises that he decides he wants you back....you will want to be in a clean and clear emotional state when faced with those types of situations which occur. Who knows, maybe presented with him wanting to come back to you....you might feel entirely differently then today of wanting him back...you might say to yourself "I don't want anyone in my life who is has one foot out the door on me, so no I don't want HIM back anymore".

I know you aren't there yet today, and you are in the mourning...and to me that is great and tells me you are authentic to your feelings.....the rest will come in a variety of feelings, days, colors, events.....you will live thru them all as we do with every situation that occurs in life. You will come out of this better than you could have ever imagined...without some major events to rattle your cage-you never really know life and who you are and what you are made of....

Just know we are always here for you, and you have refuge here!

Take care of you and the rest will follow.....xxxooo

PS-As far as not wanting to call/text him...you can FEEL like it all you want...its only if you believe it is out of integrity to yourself, and then you ACT on those feelings which then makes you out of integrity. So know...... feel it all you want, but choose to not act on it ;)

I would not say you are codependent because of this devastation.

You may find a lot of support in the infidelity board.

40 years is a long time. It sounds more like grief than codependency.
Consider it like a death. Look up the stages of grief and see if they fit.

Also DeliAnnem is correct about the infidelity group. Talking with others who have suffered the same betrayal might be helpful.

Thank you all for your advice. I will check out the infidelity group.

A therapist told me: "You are allowed to cry. You are allowed to grieve. Don't fight it. The more you fight it, the stronger it will become." Accept your grief. Do other things too, Other things that you like. It may be so hard to think of them right now.

You are a good person, you don't deserve this pain, but you have it. It will not destroy you. Write in your journal. Consider what YOU want it your life.

I am going through a breakup with much different circumstances, but I am learning some things that I believe apply to you also. You can be okay without him. You can find ways to bring love to yourself and into your life. Reach out here and to every resource you can find for help, counseling, training, companionship, understanding, find a local support group, pray. This site is my lifeline right now, but I am finding other support.
I'm so sorry you are feeling this. My first husband cheated on me many times & is now married to his last girlfriend. It's been 8 years since he left and it took me years to get over it. I can remember the feelings of anger, disgust, betrayal and worthlessness. They are just feelings, not who you are.
My prayers for you

Great post MS! I think you hit it right on. I too went through infidelity and eventual breakup/divorce. She went with roommate in college and family friend to boot. Devasting to say the least.

I learned there is a grief cycle(5 stages) for each loss in our life. The larger the loss, the longer the griefing. The final stage is acceptance, but it takes time(Things I Must Endure) to get there. Your own time. There's no norm for the time value.

Allow yourself to grieve. Feel ,deal and heal.

MS shared some valuable experience - no need for me to re-write.

Love & support during this difficult time.

Thank you MStillStanding. I am trying to find support everywhere. I also do an online Alanon group because he is alcoholic. I sometimes think that is the underlying fault of this affair, but he says he started it when he was sober. So that does not make me feel better.

I do feel worthless. I know I shouldn't but there must be some truth to this affair that makes it my responsibility. I must admit that. Apparently I must have buried my head in the sand to have not seen this happening.

Now I grieve not just for myself but my 3 grown children and my 8 grand children that have also been abandoned. I downloaded the book suggested: How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair. I know he should be reading this but it is enlightening to me too.
thanks again.

You are NOT to blame for his straying. To think that would be codep.

Also, the fact that you stayed with an alcoholic MAY indicate some codep issues.

You cannot heal him... Best to just focus on your pain.

Hugs.

Hi Hullibee--

There is a lot of great advice and comments on here--You can be the only one to judge if this is a helpful site for you. We do not have to label ourselves to qualify for getting a lot out of certain sites on here.

I got so much out of therapy when I was going through my divorce--if you have insurance, it is yet another suggestion to get professional help. These sites are priceless, too, since it is sharing among people that understand similar feelings and actions. Make sure you get $ support to take care of yourself if it gets to that point where you know he is not returning. Wondering if he is or isn't will drive you crazy. Day at a time you will be OK!! Keep writing to us--
Many hugs--if you can, go for a massage!

Each person is responsible for his or her own behavior. Bad behavior cannot be excused because of drinking. My SO couldn't seem to get that. He could admit that he sometimes became nasty to me when he drank too much. But then I would say, "so don't do it", it was like I was being unreasonable. I was just supposed to understand his pain, and be extra loving when he drank too much. I'm not proud to say that I really tried it his way.
But . . . . F that - really F that. He is/was responsible for everything he said and did, drunk or sober. So is your husband.
Again - Take care of yourself

I know that I blame myself. That is why I believe I am coda. I have relied on him to gage my feelings for years. When he's happy, I'm happy. When he's sad, I'm sad. and so forth ... That is why I believe I am co dependent on him.

My marriage became another statistic in that it is ending. I use to say to him how grateful I was for being married to him. I can't believe that I did not see this coming.

I am still depending on him to tell me how to feel. I need to focus on myself. I know this. It is breaking the cycle that is difficult to me.

There is another group on here called Divorce after twenty years that could also offer you some specific advice.

I am so sorry this happened to you. Have you read Melody Beattie? If you haven't pick up codependent no more and start there. I read them, highlighted them, endlessly for two years. It is a long, very long process but you will be okay I promise.

hi hullibee
i just read about what you are going through, i'm so with you on the same page. also married 41 years and my husband's been living with another younger women for many years. he walked out the door but never has come back. i've been crying for so many years and i dont want to cry anymore. the pain just got worse cause now he told me he wants a divorce. its very scary cause i've been dependant on him practically all my life. its been really lonely living alone. i feel like part of me died. and now that he really wants out completely its hurting me worse cause i know that will be it, it will be no more mr and mrs.
very very sad and angry and bitter and hurt and the griefing just goes on and on it seems forever! so life really get better after this or is this all rhere is to life?