Wow! you gave him ALL your control. How does he handle the responsibility? Is he a good guy who treats you properly? You have to re-find yourself. Ask yourself how you feel about each situation that arises. Make it a point to disagree with him when you are otherwise ambivalent about a situation.

I was in your shoes for 15 years. I wish I had good advice. I tried just living my life and not worrying about his moods, but don't know that it made things better. Eventually after the divorce, I realized that I was so caught up in him that I no longer really knew myself. The analogy I use is I felt like a puppet whose strings had been cut. Guess the only thing I can offer is remember self-care. You are of worth regardless of his thoughts or mood. Your worth never changes. You are human and your feelings and thoughts are as important as his. His problems are his not yours. You can love him without trying to please him all the time.

Yes I can relate to what you are saying. I am ok if someone tells me why they might be feeling low or upset but my husband does not communicate so I am left wondering and then I begin to feel unsettled. I think this goes back to my childhood when my mother was so moody and I never knew what was coming next. As adults, however, we have more personal power now. I am a very open person who freely shares how things are going for me so I find this hard to deal with. I am practicing detatchment and I am starting to believe in myself as a seperate person again. It takes time. I too made him into a kind of God without realising it at the time. I am a christian now so I build on God's word instead. Affirmations help me a lot and as we continue to self care, I know we will continue to heal.

Sharelea, Sounds like you had a similar situation to me growing up.
My mum was very unstable and would leave home or threaten to kill herself if we 'upset' her ( often by something really minor) . So I learnt to tiptoe around and always second guess myself and I always felt afraid of doing something to set her off. I have suffered from anxiety all my life a result. Now I feel in the same trap with my H but am starting to see that it was not my fault and I am not responsible for another person's moods or decisions. Guess it takes time to heal and become comfortable with your own self and confident in your own thoughts and decisions.

It sounds like everyone of my adult relationships. I was a reaction, not an action.
As long as I did this, I didn't have to look at myself. I was too involved in care-taking to think of myself. I was really self absorbed pleasing other people. It's what I learned as a child. My mother (illegal foster mother) lived in fear. Fear of her husband. I feared him too. Jumping through hoops to please men was her thing. It became mine. Making everything perfect never worked. The house could of been clean, his dinner prepared perfectly, and his anger would eventually come out and he would still abuse her. I can't say that giving up control has ever worked for me. My submissiveness was actually always a form of control. The only mentoring I had received as a child. If two people can't have their own sense of SELF in a relationship, where is the respect?

I need to clarify this:
"I can't say giving up control has ever worked for me"......

* What I mean is:
giving up control/submissiveness, sometimes looked like it worked, but in the end never worked. I never the got the respect. It was only temporary.

You are on the right track by recognizing this isn't healthy and you want to take back your power. You can do it. Start by thinking of what YOU want and feel. If you DON'T want to do something then don't. If he gets angry, etc- don't take responsibility for his anger, sadness, happiness, etc. Someone once told me to respond to my ex who would blame me for his feelings, " I am not responsible for your feelings. If you are angry- then do something about it. I am not responsible for you. You are an intelligent adult and I do not have to accept your anger, etc." This did work- even with kids who guilt trip or coworkers,etc- Apologize if you did harm but don't take responsibility for someone else's feelings. They own them and they are responsible for changing them. I hope this helps. I know it is easier said than done but it has worked for me in situations where I used to take blame just to keep peace. When I started saying this to people- they would just shut up and say "but..." but had nothing to say to that. It gives them back the power of themselves and gives you back your sanity. :) hugs!

That is exactly how I feel with my wife. And I also had a terrible childhood, Adult Child of Alcoholic. So plenty of issues there along with code.

And I don't remember when I gave up control of me. I am in therapy and really want to work thru my issues and help my marriage. Has anyone else been able to do this??