Codependency Support Group

Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...

3,331 Members

10,657 Posts

0 Online

possumlady 03/31/2011

Does this sound weird? My husband and I have been married for 19 years. We have always had the sort of relationship where I have been 'the problem' and he has been trying to help/fix/convince/advise me. Sure, I have been codependent, played along, believed everything he has said about me ( abusive at times) and rarely found the strength to disagree or stand up to him. I am suffering from severe anxiety which is made worse by his endless lectures (which can go on for hours)about what I am doing/ what I should be doing.... I can rarely talk to him about our relationship without him interrupting and telling me how I SHOULD be speaking..... You could have said this or that.... I feel like I am always wrong when I am around him, I can never do anything right. Over the years I have had every part of me analyzed and found wanting, my taste in music, clothes, my family, my friends, my parenting skills, right down to how I clean my teeth and wash my hair. Nothing of who I am has been untouched. Most of the time I feel sick around him.Since Christmas he has withdrawn all affection from me (until our relationship improves!?)
I know my low self worth has contributed to the problem, and my anxiety has made me unable to deal with any level of conflict with him. I am also aware that my fear of honesty and intimacy has caused him endless frustration. but really, does this sound weird? Can anyone relate?

deleted_user 03/31/2011

Yes hun,he's trying to control you and he's criticising you etc and now he's blackmailing you.It's emotional abuse.I've had the same.

TreeLuvr87 03/31/2011

My goodness, I am so sorry that you've had to endure this for so long. He's only so focused on your flaws and shortcomings because it's too difficult to look at his own. Anytime someone looks outside themselves and finds nothing but negativity and blame, they are just ignoring the negativity in themselves.

You don't need to put up with that. Low self-worth or not, you did not ask for this. Focus on loving yourself more and try to let his critical voice go in one ear and out the other. If he has so many problems with you, then why did he marry you? He loves you and loves who you are, he's just tied up in too much suffering right now. I hope you guys can both do some serious work on yourselves so that you can exist peacefully together :-)

deleted_user 03/31/2011

I can relate...have you been working on yourself? Trying to get better and stand up for yourself and to him and develop your needs, wants and desires since Christmas or before? The only reason I ask is becuz my hubby too is withdrawn from affectionate touching,etc. - because he's mad (emotionally mad at me) becuz I won't put up with him name calling and degrading attitude when we argue/fight/bicker...I stand up to him and when he tries to apologize or does I've told him repeatedly that 'if a friend said/did what you did to me, I'd really have to rethink the whole friendship'...So, I think he's rethinking the whole marriage thing and how disguisted I am in him sometimes w/ his behavoir toward me..>My point is - if you are working on yourself - he could be lashing out at you because he doesn't know how to deal with it...but don't let his crappy behavior stop you from getting what you want...19 years is a long time, (i've got 17, so I can relate) so there is some give and take and maturity that comes with your marriage - but really, you deserve to be happy (and so does he) but what you were 5/10/15 years ago is not, and does not have to be who you are now, or in the future. :) Stay strong.

possumlady 04/01/2011

Thanx everyone for your comments, much appreciated

deleted_user 04/01/2011

These are great answers and I agree with them all. It is very hard to make a change in yourself when the other person is trying to keep you where you are. I'm glad you've been able to see that something's wrong--that's a great start!

But continuing to live in a negative environment like this will soon take it's toll on you physically. I've learned that stuffed emotions don't go away; they just find other ways to get out.

It's time to save yourself. You are the only one who will look out for you. And that is reality for each of us. So since you're the caretaker, you can do this at your own pace. Start small. When you hear negativity, weigh it against what you know deep down is the truth. You don't even have to say anything; your life will change as your thinking changes. We really don't owe an explanation to anyone for why we do what we do, even if they insist on it.

It will be two steps forward and one step back for a long time. But finding someone or a group that contributes "healthy" thinking will give you the foundation you'll need. Stay close to God--He has a plan. Find a support group somewhere-- don't wait. Each day that goes by without doing something makes it that much harder to make a change. Focus only on what you can do TODAY. Don't borrow trouble from tomorrow.

You can do it. I did.

~Pam T

possumlady 04/01/2011

Thanks, Double Winner.I appreciate your comments.I am very new to
the idea of looking after myself, it's usually the last thing on my
list. Recently my husband's friend gave him a book to read called Leadership and Self Deception. Since reading it he has realized that he has been blaming me for a lot of things and has apologized. Still a long way to go but thank God for friends who care!

Join the Conversation