Oh, this sounds so very very familiar. My ex husband used to do that all the time.
I know for a fact he had issues too, but he would always manipulate the problem until he could blame me for causing it.
My guess is that when they have found that soft spot in us where they can manipulate things until we will try to make amends and try whatever is needed to keep the peace they will use it to their advantage as and whenever they can. That way they don't have to face up to the fact that they have problems. They can just lay the blame on us all the time.
I really feel for you. I know how horrible it is. I am so sorry you are being put through it too.

Yep, I was there, too. Once I left the marriage it became easier to see the manipulation for what it was: bullying! And, of course, an absolute refusal to take responsibility for himself (which has continued).

Feeling crazy is part of the cycle, and they count on it, use their ability to keep you off balance so that you're always walking on eggshells so as not to "upset" them.

I felt a lot of guilt about leaving, but after a couple of years, I began to see this behavior as a form of abuse, particularly when it's coupled with verbal aggression.

Sending you a hug--and confirmation that you are not crazy!

To echo the other comments, I agree you are not crazy :). They love to turn things around so as to deflect from themselves to us. I was to blame for him not getting his teeth fixed, I was to blame for his not finding a job, I was to blame for him being late on his bills, I was to blame for the fact that his sister wanted nothing to do with him, I was to blame for the fact that all of our "friends" wanted nothing to do with him. Of course, it never occurred to him that he was a violent, flaming Asshole.

i know this can be such a stressful situation. Do the best you can to take care of yourself and focus on your recovery. I'm not sure if your husband would consider couples counseling, but it if he is, it might help to have someone (who is not the wife that he thinks is always wrong), work with him.

Much love to you.

I know my BF did the same with me too but if i were to turn and point the finger at me i confess i manipulated and emotionally blackmailed too or let it happen. So here i am trying to work on myself.

Read Emotional Blackmail by susan foreward.

that is really frustrating and we just have to take care of ourselves and keep the focus on what we want and that we are really not suppost to take all the blame. they do this to get the focus off of them. i just dont understand why people have so many problems with relationships. we just have to not let it consume us and try to find things to do that makes us happy and feel content. and pray for insight for guidance from our higher power and those who care about us. hope this helps

This is all too familiar. You are exactly where I was a few months ago. 20 year relationship with my husband and he has even blamed me for him gaining weight. That if I did not stress him out so much he would not eat bad......REALLY? He even said "If you would just do waht I wanted...." Let me tell you....... you will never be right. ACCEPT IT, GRIEVE IT and move on with your life. He will NEVER change. He is not the knight in shining armor you thought he was. The thing that helped me and it has take n over two years was doing research on Stealth Narcissm and a good therapist. It is not you!!! You are not going crazy..... I did everything you are. Once I started taking care of my own emotional and mental well being because I just could not cater to him anymore, he found someone else (several) to fill his narcissistic supply and now we are getting divorced. Not that I do not have my bad days.....today is one, but I know in my heart God has something more for me in this life. It hurts more than anything but only me if I let it.... It isn't bothering him, is it?

Thanks for your reply, bpr70. I also have an ex who's a narcissist, but I've never heard of stealth narcissism--I'm going to look it up.

It's true--these guys never change, and never stop believing that the world owes them accommodation. It's their absolute conviction that makes other people feel crazy.

This kind of sounds like my STBE, but instead of blaming me he blamed his job. Everything was his job's fault, and then he would come home and take out his aggressions by verbally abusing his family. Just left after 24 years of marriage. NOW he wants to go to couples therapy. I don't think so, because he is still not dealing with his issues. Our problem is him being self-absorbed and an absentee father. So glad I'm out.

I am not sure how long you ahve been with him but I will tell you after 25 years being with my H I have finally come to understand that standing up for myself truly would be to leave. Because to him marriage is a war and he has to win it. Nothing to do with me really. I tried evrything to change to make him happy and he always changed his mind and found other things to be unhappy about with me! Went to marriage counseling and when I told the therapist we need help working thru conflict, my H said why do YOU always think we have to have conflict? The stupid therapist didnt even address that one!
Anyhow, I hope you can rise above his nonsense!

I completely understand. I have been married for 24 years. It's the same way for me until I recently made the decision to end our marriage. My husband told me he thought I had menopausal rage. He wishes he could put a label on me. It took me saying it was over for a change to finally happen. He admitted he has a gambling addiction. He wants to work on our marriage. We both realize we are 100% responsible for the problems in our marriage. If you can't both at least admit that much, then nothing will change. You are not in the marriage alone. You are not crazy!

A while back I realized I was really messed up. But I started criticizing myself in my relationship with my wife as if I was messed up and she was perfectly healthy. I came to realize that yeah, I'm pretty messed up, but she's not completely healthy herself all the time--that is she doesn't always act rationally or fairly. She's not "perfect" either. But then it becomes pretty tempting to start focusing on *her* imperfections and blaming her for whatever difficulty I'm having relating to her. Fact is, I can't do anything about her imperfections. Also, given my difficulties, I can't even begin to figure out what's messed up about her. I'll just drive myself crazy if I try. So I quit trying to figure out what she's doing "wrong" or what is "wrong" with her. Fact is, I'm in no position to judge. I'm in no position to try to figure her out. I can only work on me, and work with her in relationship to me based on how I want to be treated and what I expect. Her motivations, shortcomings, history, whatever -- all of that stuff is not really my business unless she invites me into it.

You can only work on yourself. You can't fix his behavior. You can protect yourself and assert your boundaries. If he's doing something that violates those boundaries, stand up for yourself. Where are those boundaries? That's the key codep question--because it's so hard for us to figure that out.. Go with your instincts as well as what your mind is telling you is fair and reasonable. But don't let this distract from the only thing you can really affect--yourself and your own behavior.

i honestly thought i was going crazy. Lost 20 pounds in a matter of weeks from this blame game narcissist. it is horrible. i agree they will never change. he even had the nerve to tell me that him leaving the house was all my fault and if i didn't want to hurt our children then i would stop making me angry. WHAT?????????

I KNOW IT SOUNDS SICK; BECAUSE IT IS.....

take care of yourself...hugs

Guess this is why some people get married in the first place: So they have someone else to blame for their own foibles. Best to you...