Hi,

I think a good to spice things up is to take up a new interest or hobby. IMO we only get stuck in ruts because they are comfortable and easier. I like some ruts, actually. Some routines are helpful, because by doing the same thing (putting my keys in the same place for example), it saves me time.

As far as the rest - there is a huge world out there... to quote the Elton John song "There's more to see than can ever be seen
More to do than can ever be done." But we need to pick something and try it. Sometimes it may seem like so many choices, we opt to do nothing.

I am most dragged down mentally when I am focusing on or analyzing other people's business/behavior. So, what do yo like? What naturally interests you? You could taking a cooking class, an art appreciation class, learn how to play a musical instrument, take up gardening, make a goal to visit a certain number of museums, even just get to know your own area better.

If you cannot figure out some passion, think back to when you were a kid, 10-11 years old, maybe. What did you like to do? I think Cos have a lot of gifts and great compassion. When it is channeled in good ways, there is a huge world of things to do, people to meet, all of it.

Shar

thanks for the response, i have a lot of shoulds in my head. I am the only one at 34 in my family that is not married and doesnt have kids -and its pressure becuase thats the norm in my family. I have a wedding next week to go to and its my cousin who is about 25 getting wed. I feel like a failure to my family -
and people do say to my family, that im getting old and that they should get me settled - am i the only one who is codependent / or struggles with the self or it is cus everyone else is following the crowd - i dont even know anymore - it just makes me feel depressed, i dont even know if i want that for myself - my partner is in a temp job and he is white british and i dont think my family will except him or respect him becuase they will feel he wont be able to look after me that well if he only earns a certain about, and there is no stability apart from his temp job lasting a long time, but i also want him to get settled - cus i cant introudce him until then.

Hi,

So your partner is not going with you to the wedding? I can see where that would be tough with all the cultural pressure from your family. Would it be terrible to just level with them or is it better to just put a smile on your face and listen to all the relatives telling you what you are doing wrong?

Try to do what you can to take care of yourself and try not to make this a huge thing in your head. Sometimes I get myself all whipped up imagining all kinds of things and thankfully it does not happen. Maybe you can work at imaging that you will have a nice time seeing everyone. Maybe if an aunt or uncle says they are worried about you not being married, etc. you can have a nice answer.

Like: "I am so happy to be part of this family because you all love me and want the best for me. Thank you. I love you, too." And move on. :-)

Hugs,

Shar

Hi, Pam.

Aw, life with Brit not doing it?

Boy, your sentiments mirror my own. My only answer is: I need to CREATE. Something. Something artistic. Create just a feeling. Connect with nature. Find excitement in physical activity.

I'm sorry your traditional Indian family is putting so much pressure on you to conceive/raise kids and make money. Maybe this life of theirs is not for you, and you're on a slightly different and potentially more interesting path? And this is OK!

If Brit isn't reinforcing this need for personal creation, maybe it's time to reassess that relationship too. How is HE, with you? From past discussions, and forgive me if I'm wrong, sounds like he's yet another controlling sort, like your parents. We can't help gravitating to people who are like our parents, because it's what is familiar. But, as you're pointing out, it's not INTERESTING.

We all try to create our clone, in each other, yet we are all different. Important to celebrate the differences, yet find some common ground, see eye-to-eye on some things.

Yes, as others said, new hobbies, new books and reading, new artistic passions, new places to explore on foot, meeting new people...these are all ways to expand your horizons.

Your family sounds like my Asian honey's family. Money isn't everything, much as Asian and Indian cultures seem to think it is. Yes, we all HATE being poor, but the pursuit of money makes me miserable. The pursuit of BEAUTY makes me happy, and, ironically makes me money too, faster money than any 9-5 workamule hourly or salary job Ive found.

I photograph and videotape weddings! It's an exciting hustle, and I've gotten really good at it. I don't always enjoy the disorganization and rushed quality of a wedding, but I DO enjoy that there are always a lot of beautiful things to see and point a camera at! During the editing phase, I enjoy timing the images to music. I should've been a musician. I've got a really good ear for tempo and melody.

Then I get depressed when I go back to my workamule hourly second job, security officer, which I took on as a low-stress way to fill in the income between weddings, because wedding work, free-lance, is not steady, wasn't even when the economy was good, and has slowed down about 70% thanks to this recession. The second job bores the shit out of me, and annoys me with all its rules and regulations that have to be followed to the letter. But I'm biding my time...

Hang in there, and maybe I've inspired a bit...

Havic junkey's get board w/o it.It's a high n way of life. it takes time to re adjust to getting rid of the need.

PAMJIT -

I understand the pressure of parents, family, culture .... I know it all as i lived my first 25 years of life in India...everything had to be right than, because decisions were made for me ( Parents, Husband, society, culture) . WRONG!!!

The best ever happened to me was to be in US. Living in US for me was freedom and ability to do things i want to do... I can make my own decisions... I learnt to take care of myself.

Dont give into Parents or society or cultural pressure. Do what is right for you... You are fully grown adult and can make decisions for self.

I see you are having a tug o war with parents and boyfriend... What you are missing is can you see yourself as an independent person and take care of yourself and stand for yourself instead of giving in to others?

People pleasing, Cultural pressure, Hypocrisy, Racial/Caste discrimination, stability/financial ability i have seen it all.. Lived it all... I have moved on for bigger better place.

This doesn't mean US is better and India worst or vice versa .. I take best of both worlds.

Shar and Koolman gave good feedback..

I'm going through this now myself. I've figured out a few things (for my own struggle/codep self life):
1. I like consistency, however I do not like being stagnant.
2. I like a challenge, but not failure.
3. I want things to be done my way, but I don't want to be in control.
4. I take pride in everything I do, yet criticize EVERYTHING I do.
5. I try to improve myself each day and not let that enormous guilt and heavy shoulders of 'you should be or could be doing this for so and so' get the best of me. I take time every week for ME...even if it's just 10 more minutes in bed over exercising.

I know how you feel...I've been at the same job for 7 years...and everytime I plan to go I find one reason to stay for all 3-10 to go...I register for school, never go....etc. etc. etc....I'll bitch and moan, then remember to be thankful and at peace with how things are in my life...Anyway, no matter where I am with my codep...I try to remember what is most important to me, and keep myself and my needs in that top list. I also, try to always remember before I answer to anyone, WHY am I doing this? Do I really want to? Otherwise, I'm trying to just let the rest go and not be so hard on myself every day and truly find and do something fun or exciting to me. That's all we can do...don't beat yourself up anymore. :)