If he gets frustrated with the place being messy then why can't he tidy up?? I am assuming that he also has two arms, two legs and a brain and is just as capable of tidying as you are.

I can see how much it would benefit him to have you believe that mess in the house is a symptom of your low self esteem, it is a pretty sure-fire way of getting someone to do what we want, it is manipulative. Why is the state of the house only a reflection of YOUR self esteem? Why can't HE tidy up the shed???????? If he is so intent on living in an orderly manner then why can't he make things more orderly? It sounds to me like he is more concerned with getting you to do things how he wants you to them than he is with keeping things orderly, they are 2 very different things.

And he is BLAMING. He is putting all of the responsibility onto you and then is telling you not to complain about it! This is oh so familiar to me, more with my family than my outside relationships. I really don't think that your low self-esteem is the only issue here; he seems to have some pretty serious anger and bullying issues, and he is dumping all of the responisibility onto you.

No one deserves to have someone yell in their face and scare them, no one deserves to be bullied and scared like that. Have you been reading about this stuff so that you can learn to recognise when someone is blaming you for their issues? Have you read Women Who Love Too Much or any Adult Children stuff? Have you read about abuse in relationships? How to recognise it? When we are smack bang in the middle of these situations, and when we have been raised in those same situations and don't really know any different, it is so very hard to recognise when we are being abused and manipulated and bullied. I have had real trouble with recognising it. I can certainly understand why you would feel intimidated, frightened and and unsafe.

Have you done any counselling? I remember you were trying to organise some couples counselling a while ago but I think individual counselling would really help you learn to recognise when you are taking responsibility for his issues and when you are taking way too much blame, and it would help you learn to recognise abusive behaviour. It is really hard to step back and see it for what it is without that objective perspective.

I am sorry that this reply is a bit of a rant but I found myself feeling very angry about his bullying behaviour, it is abusive and I felt anger. I hope that you can gather the information and support you need to help you see his abusive behaviour for what it is. A big hug to you, take good care of yourself and I hope you learn to see that you deserve so much more than to be a target for his abuse.

And also try to remember that we can't change anyone else, we can only work on ourselves. You can talk to him and reason with him until you are blue in the face but you can't change him, we can't change other people.

If this is how he is, if you accept that you can't change him and this is just the way he is, then what are your choices?

I do not think his behaviour is justified at all.
Why is the mess always your problem? If it bothers him that much why can't he tidy it up. I am sorry but he sounds very much like my ex - placing all the blame on you. My ex even tried to blame his addictions on me.
I really feel for you, and can understand the way it makes you feel. What is it with these verbally abusive men that they think shouting at us is going to help anything. If anything it makes your self esteem go right out the window.
I am so sorry for what you are being put through. Why don't you suggest to him that if it bothers him that much why doesn't he straighten out the mess himself? That is his problem not yours, it obviously doesn't bother you that it is a little untidy.

Hi,

I agree with the others. I see this as blaming and abusive. And as was already said, he can clean the shed himself if he does not like the way it looks.

I grew up living with someone who would get angry and take it out on us and it was very unpredictable. I will not put up with that today. Honestly, if it came down to it, I would rather be alone than be living like that again. It was a miserable way to live.

Have you considered therapy for yourself and maybe couples, too?

Hugs,

Shar

Yeah, I am arranging some counselling for myself so I can work thru some of my issues with self esteem and CoD. My H refuses to go to marriage counselling as he sees it is my problem, not a marriage problem. He tells me yesterday that I cannot see the truth, that the whole issue is how I think about myself, that his anger, frustration, outbursts etc are a response to my problems.He seems to think that constantly nagging and bullying someone about their issues will change them. I just want him to leave me alone, to be free of the constant critical analysis. After the rave yesterday, I took my boys fishing and felt like I could breathe cos he wasn't there. How do I get him off my back without just withdrawing from the relationship?

It sounds as though he feels out of control and by controlling the environment, it makes him feel better. Unfortunately, he is not just trying to control his environment but he is trying to control you. I don't see how not living in an orderly manner means that you don't care for yourself and find it more interesting that he needed to find a way to justify his anger and blame it on you. Deep down, he's not happy with himself. On that level, I can understand the reason why he is responding the way that he is - it's automatic. As to whether the response is justified, no, I don't think it is.

Hi Again,

It is tough to be around blamers. Rather than take responsibility for feelings or actions, they look to the external and it is everyone and everything else's fault. I am glad you are working with a therapist yourself. He has a choice in his own thoughts and behavior, although he might not realize it, believe it or want to believe it. Good Luck!

Shar

That behavior is so abusive. I too got angry when I read it. Of course your self-esteem is low, you're being blamed for stuff all the time. Who can feel good about themselves with all of that going on? Good that you are getting counseling. Your therapist should be able to give you some things to try to diffuse the situation next time it happens. It will be really interesting to see how your relationship changes when you change how you react to him. I called my STBX out on his bullshit and he cut it out. However, I decided that it was better to live alone than with a miserable person who was always blaming everything in the universe for his anger rather than looking within. I couldn't change him, and you can't change your husband. But you can change how you react (or not) to his bullying. Can't wait to hear what happens!