I think that the gossiping, drama and talking about people behind their back, was all part of my emotional growth. When I finally figured out that the judgment was hurting me more then helping me, I stopped doing it.

It took alot of practice to see others as my equals and to live life by the golden rule but I am much happier for doing so and my life is much better as a result.

God Bless

I hear you about the gossip thing. Right speech is part of the eight fold path for a good reason. I am careful about mentioning my SO as little as possible. I’m invested in my health. That’s all I can be responsible for.
Yes, we are alone on our journey and we are also going through what everyone else does. That’s really beautiful and sometimes we get to connect with that and realize we’re not as alone as we think. That’s the best support.

Bob - I talk about people "behind their back" less out of judgement and more of fear of being direct with them. I hate confrontation and I hate upsetting people and telling people I'm not happy with them upsets them. In a twisted way, that's how I live by the golden rule - I rather people be "generous" than direct and honest with me because I hate being told I'm a disappointment or that they're not happy with me, though as I get older, I'm starting to be rather told the truth than being lied to (sometimes.) Anyways, I'm just fed up with the whole game. I feel like people have no trouble telling me when I'm a disappointment or make them unhappy and I'm sick of not being allowed to tell them right back, "hey, guess what, you suck too."

I'll find a more diplomatic way of saying that of course. Yeah right my high level of anxiety and deadly fear of confrontation and upsetting people and stupid enormous degree of empathy will let me be anything less than super diplomatic and accommodating, but goddammit, am I tired of being the only bloody person who gets kicked around for making mistakes.

I hope it helps and I'm glad that your life is better as a result for having less gossip and drama :)

FAN - That's good that your focus is on your health and you're careful about mentioning your SO as little as possible. Best of luck.

I use to think the same way. There is a little book called "Acceptance" which helped me out alot. It said "words can't hurt you unless you give them the power to do so!"

I stopped giving them my power and in doing so, I learned to love myself more.

That's what life is all about bro. Learning to love ourselves, IMHO

~~~Peace~~~

I see this as a huge sign of growth. It is so much easier to seek advice than to do the hard work of changing and doing. We women tend to need to talk things out a lot more than men do. Doesn't mean either is wrong or bad. It just is. Dealing with problems is much healthier in the long run and dealing with them now as opposed to not dealing with them. We have to also be true to ourselves. Be our own best friend. Its also easier sometimes to keep playing the victim card, the poor me card. It gets us nowhere and we all do it to one extent or the other. I believe happiness lies in being truthful to ourselves and others and living that Oprah calls "an authentic life."

Lordy, gossip and drama....Out Of My ****ing Mind...when I used to be around people...I will not allow myself off the hook...I do sometimes talk with people about other people, but more to help them, than hurt or embarrass them. Example: today I found out a dear life long childhood friend became divorced during the months of virus. Did I run to his rescue...yes because he has been there for me as a Huge Ear, trusted friend. So I offered him my home if he chose to leave ...he is still living with x wife...until he finds new digs. I also want to be of support, having learned from my past, Not To Give Myself, rather """how can I best support you"""...he is responsible for Telling Me What He Needs...NO mind reading here!

As far as past mistakes...well if people hold the pain of feeling they hurt someone, then they are Hurting Themselves!!! More times than not the person, who you think you hurt, is Oblivious, and does't even think about the event...if they shut you out of their lives...."""that is their business"""... In my Huge Codependent need to be forgiven, be accepted OH Good Lord above how I would grovel to do any thing t o get back into good graces 'friends' who really were Not Healthy For Me!!! They were Energy Vampires!

We all need validation, what goes on in our heads about ourselves, or at least mine used to be Horrible Person Why Are You Still Alive! As a single parent, having bipolar, I know for sure I've hurt my son, now going on 24...did I hurt him 'intentionally' or did I hurt him because of mood swings, or did I hurt him by doing things he didn't understand....All I can write is I Know For Sure anything hurtful Was NOT done intentionally, yet, ??? may still have hurt him.

At this point in our relationship, all I can do is tell him that he can speak freely to me about Any Subject, Be Pissed Off with me, and when he calms down, lets talk and Not Read Emotions or Minds...that is where the hurt and resentment I, for my own thinking , believe...when speaking breaks down, then if need be we go to e-mails as less emotional, and better able for him to comprehend (he has aspergers) and time helps him to process better by reading.

As for self confidence, the more you use tools of Al-Anon, go slow and steady, as Everything new is a Learning Process, there will be steps forward and steps backwards. The More you are around people who do what they say they will, speak truth, and avoid the drama and gosip...less negative the more You Will Become Alive with Confidence!

A Life Long Process of Learning!
Just wondering....Do You 'Have A Chronicheadache' from others words/behaviors?
or
Do You Think You Are A Chronicheadache? from your own needs and negative self talk?

I've started to Live, for the first time in my Life, of nearly 67 years '''For Me''', Not to Jump every time to fix, do, or say I'm sorry. I no longer allow people to hold me as 'emotional hostage' because I want acceptance or friendship.

I've lived with a Closed Heart for nearly 5 years due to the deaths of friends and my son moving from home. No More! Out of respect and love for my family who have all died, and my 4 dear friends over the last 5 years....I'm doing Finally and I do mean Finally living instead of talking...I'm Doing!!!

Justs as I remind you, and no doubt anyone who read your posts from today, and back 6 months ago...you are Changing. What I'd offer is for you to challenge the thoughts of speaking to your partner....what exactly are you afraid of....and how can you , with in you and For You...nothing to do with him at all....you do the work inside. For me, an example: I have to be very careful with my health, due to having only one kidney....last year I got bit by a tick and ended up in the hospital with 17% kidney f unction for 11days.

My FEAR based thinking nearly lead me to making an Very Expensive and Horrible mistake...selling my home and moving into a condo...

Living Again with NO Fear of Tick Bite: I did some research and found out that it takes 24 hrs for a tick to latch on to skin. I found that mixing lavender oil and olive oil are tick and bug are a repellent. I won't use that horrible toxic bug repellent. So if I scrub my skin raw, within 24hrs...the possibility of a tick bite will be less likely...Now I Can Do My Passion Which Fills My Soul:Gardening.

Bob - Your line, "That's what life is all about bro. Learning to love ourselves," made me laugh. I love how you added bro in there :D I like that. I keep seeing life as trying to "get it right." Maybe it better to learn to love ourselves.

Urbangardener - So true that we women tend to need to talk things out a lot more than men do. It isn't right or wrong, like you said, and I needed to talk to others at the beginning of this to make sense of it all. I think I've made sense of most it, and now, talking about my relationship here, to any "professionals", and my friends, seems like it's less about making any progress in my own healing and more talking about him when I should be talking to him.

I don't know if I'm ready to have "the talk" with him yet, but I've decided if something happens and my usual urge to text my friend or come here to unload my feelings comes up, I'm not going to do that unless I've talk to him first. That's going to be my new "diet". I do feel like it would be a step towards the authentic life you talked about :)

mlro - bless you, thank-you for understanding! So much of what you said resonated with me. I do think there's nothing wrong with being supportive to a friend and I'm glad you were there for your friend. I like how you're not taking responsibility for it though. Other people are responsible for telling us how they want us to support them. It's not our job to read their mind.

You wrote, "In my Huge Codependent need to be forgiven, be accepted OH Good Lord above how I would grovel to do any thing t o get back into good graces 'friends' who really were Not Healthy For Me!!!"

THAT TIMES A THOUSANDS! That's me. Thank-you for making clear what it is that I need to work on. That's the story of my life. Even with people I didn't really like who were draining me and making me miserable, I still wanted to get back into their good graces and twisted myself into a pretzel to do so. I know I feel this way about my current relationship. I want so badly to get back into his good graces, and I'm afraid that by speaking out, I'll won't be and for some reason, that thought is still unbearable to me.

This whole needing to be in someone's "good graces" is a huge piece of the puzzle. I think it's my biggest current stumbling block and I need to figure out how NOT to care if I'm in someone's good graces or not.

Oh man, I constantly think to my self, "I'm Horrible Person Why Are You Still Alive!" too and I need the validation and reassurance to keep myself from doing down that spiral. But you're right about intentions. I know if I ever hurt someone, I never intended to. I did the best with what I had or could do, and they played a role in it as well. Life can't always be about us always "doing the right or wrong" and other people always "receiving the right or wrong." There needs to be a give and take, and communication (which clearly I suck at, but I'll figure out how to work on it.)

I'm glad emailing works with your son. I think telling someone they're free to speak, be pissed off, and let's work it through when you calm down is a good approach.

I think my chronicheadache is mostly from my negative self talk and not being able to get things rights, and probably the constant fear and anxiety that time is passing by and I'm losing out on something. Thank-you for your reminder of this being a lifelong learning process. I have a tendency to obsess over people who have "gotten it right" and are living happy lives with good relationships and families, and it gives me anxiety that I'm older and not there yet. So I do try to rush things and then get upset that I'm not ready.

I now understand your fear based thinking that lead to nearly making an expensive mistake buying a condo.

I have to run so I'll quickly add I'm glad you're living more instead of just talking and I'm glad you're finding solutions and knowledge to help with the tick bites so you can garden more *HUGS* .

Goose Bumps all over my body that I might have had one tiny tiny part, from my life journey to yours. This is one of my Most Beloved Teachers
Sister Pema Chodron, The Noble Journey From Fear to Fearlessnesshttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6t_SGso_1PY

Perhaps, time to think of yourself in a new light? A new Name? Moving forward in your journey to a new life with more purpose and meaning and most important...Happiness!!! within mind body soul.

mlro, you had a significant part, from your journey to mine ^_^ I would have replied sooner but we got the heatwave from hell here and it's making forming coherent sentences difficult. Thanks for the youtube link! I would love to gain some fearlessness. I'll probably listen to it tomorrow evening.

I guess I still feel like I'm not good enough to see myself in a new light. I haven't "gotten it right" yet, and I'm afraid of changing things like I have got it right, and then if I don't, I'll just look stupid. Still so much doubt and uncertainty... But today, something happened that normally I would be beating myself up for and I'd be upset at myself for pushing something that didn't turn out right. Instead, I was happy with my self for pushing for it even though it didn't turn out and was happy with myself for being able to let go of the outcome. it's a small step, but a good one :)

Oh No....Giant Step...
Doing Happy Dance For You!!!

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=farel+williams+happy+song&view=detail&mid=72F3116E5DDE96F6508872F3116E5DDE96F65088&FORM=VIRE0&ru=%2fsearch%3fq%3dfarel%2bwilliams%2bhappy%2bsong%26PC%3dU316%26FORM%3dCHROMN

Come on Get up and Dance!!!! with me like no one is watching :)