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I would appreciate some honest input about how I am feeling.
My H and I are trying to sort out our problems but it is hard, hard work for little, if any gain. We don't see eye to eye about the issues in our marriage, we blame each other, hurt each other. There's no physical intimacy or affection. We both dread coming home to be with each other and are so stressed it affects our ability to live a normal life. Our bad relationship has become like God in our lives and we keep on
living in torture. Basically, we are wretchedly unhappy but stay together. For what? Some dream if what it may be like if the other partner changes? It has never been good in 20 years. I do not feel anything but fear and anxiety when I am with him and I honestly don't know if I can ever trust him enough to open my heart up to him.
I stay with him because I don't want the children to go thru a marriage breakup but it seems dishonest to stay with someone that you don't love for the sake of the kids or some crazy out- there dream.
I just feel guilty and oh- so selfish for wanting out.
Any thoughts?
My H and I are trying to sort out our problems but it is hard, hard work for little, if any gain. We don't see eye to eye about the issues in our marriage, we blame each other, hurt each other. There's no physical intimacy or affection. We both dread coming home to be with each other and are so stressed it affects our ability to live a normal life. Our bad relationship has become like God in our lives and we keep on
living in torture. Basically, we are wretchedly unhappy but stay together. For what? Some dream if what it may be like if the other partner changes? It has never been good in 20 years. I do not feel anything but fear and anxiety when I am with him and I honestly don't know if I can ever trust him enough to open my heart up to him.
I stay with him because I don't want the children to go thru a marriage breakup but it seems dishonest to stay with someone that you don't love for the sake of the kids or some crazy out- there dream.
I just feel guilty and oh- so selfish for wanting out.
Any thoughts?
Well, it is not selfish to want out of a very bad relationship. Why shouldn't you want some happiness? Most of us do.
I don't know if you have very young children or if they are older, but it will be tough on them to end the marriage. On the other hand, it probably is already tough on them living with two unhappy parents.
What do you want to do about this and what do you think is the best answer for you and your children? Therapy, especially couples therapy is a possible solution if you want to try to save your marriage. But it really depends on the circumstances. If there are additional troubles, because you mention fear, that is cause for concern. If you are fearful of arguments or a bad mood, that is one thing, but if you are fearful for your physical being or that of your children, that is something else again.
Hugs,
Shar
I agree with Shar. Why wouldn't you want some happiness?
I wrote a reply to you under a different post this week.
I think you deserve happiness. Sometimes, no matter how hard we try to fit a square peg in a round hole, it is just never a good fit. A lot of marriages are like this.
Have you considered a trial separation or a legal separation as a step to see how this living arrangement works for you? This is like a bridge between filing for divorce. It can give you the space you need to for healing, and keep the health insurance intact for the family while you figure out if divorce is right for you, or if there is any hope.
Sometimes, it only procrastinates the obvious of a divorce, but sometimes it gives the marriage enough breathing room for a desire for change to take place.
No one can tell you what action is right for you, but please know that many of us have felt similar feelings in similar situations and your feelings are normal for the difficulties you are going through in your relationship.
Ultimately, your children will likely be most happy and well adjusted when both parents feel happy and well, whether that means the parents are together or separated or divorced. As I kid, I just wanted the fighting to end with my parents. My adult brother and I often say we feel we would have been less traumatized if our parents had divorced than stayed together and been miserable, dreading to be around each other, fighting and belittling each other all the time.
It is never easy to make these decisions. We try to think through the pros and cons in our heads and on paper. We just need to process so much, it is a complicated decision to make.
When you have no hope, no trust and no love, it is such a hard place to be for decision making. I hope you can find some way to give yourself a little healing space that is comforting to you as you walk through this difficult decision.