Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Well, am I genius for putting my foot in my mouth.
Yesterday my partner was telling me some news of corruption he found, and I get concerned that he gets too into how corrupt, incompetent, and stupid things are in the world that he upsets himself, so I said maybe he should take a break from politics for a while so it doesn't upset him. He says he's not upset. I should have left it there. No, idiot me, I couldn't keep my mouth shut and asked if he thought it was extraterrestial life out in space (WTF, I know) and he's like, "if you don't want me to bring these things up, just tell me," and I'm like, "no, I just didn't want you get upset," and AUGH, I'm a dumbass. I tried to apologize later and he told me to shut up, so I realize he needs his space.
So I spent the afternoon thinking, maybe this is the universe's way of telling me I need to talk to him. Things have gotten better between us, and we're back to talking and joking with each other, but there's still an undercurrent of unhappiness and resentment with me from how he treated me earlier with the two month stonewalling, him telling me I don't make him happy anymore, and I feel like I still have unresolved anxiety from our time in our previous dwelling from a certain incident. I was actually anxiety-free with this relationship and was really good at letting things go and giving him his space and not fussing over him or worrying about making sure that everything went well. Well, that particular incident made me super anxious and second-guessing everything and partly why I went all, "don't let him fall too deeply into the negative stuff!" yesterday morning. So I got it in my mind that I wanted to talk about that time and some of the stuff that was making me unhappy about this relationship. He's planning to go back to his home country for a few months in mid-April (yeah, I know, coronavirus - don't know if that will happen) and I was going to talk to him about then (and prepare for a very probable outcome of a break-up), but I got it in my head that the universe wanted me to talk to him earlier.
So last night I go into the bedroom and ask him if he's still mad at me. He says no, and he wasn't. Idiot me, I should have left it there. He wasn't mad! We could have just enjoyed the rest of the evening. I should have let it go but no, for the second time in one day, I put my stupid foot in my stupid mouth and brought up the incident from before, and he told me he doesn't want to talk about it and I need to move on, and he left and I realize I really need to give him his space and put myself in time-out. Time to stay out of his way until he talks to me again.
I hate being in time-out. I need to a brick wall to bang my head against. Why did I do that? Should have just let things go. And I did it twice in one day >_<
On the other hand, it was good to be reminded that it's really nearly impossible to for us to communicate with each other and my choices are I either learn to be okay with no communication in this relationship or find another one where I can be open about how I feel.
Most of me is kicking myself for trying to talk to him last night. My codependent fussy nature went psycho when I should have just listened when he said he wasn't upset and he wasn't mad. But there is a part of me that is pleased that I tried because it's always good to be reminded that there may be a mismatch between us.
Just wanted to get this off my chest. I feel better now.
-
Ever since I stopped doing therapy because of insurance, I've been feeling that old tense and irritable sense of anxiety and stress. I hate that. I was making so many strides and changes during therapy, my therapist would acknowledge all of my progress and accomplishments, and I miss that reassurance. Today I thought about it, and I made those changes! She would always tell me that I chose to...
-
It's been some time since my last post...sorry. I've been going through a challenging time with the sale of my home, purchase of a condo and my adult asperger son that lives with me. I've had days where I couldn't get out of bed, days where I stayed in my pj's and days where all I managed to do was eat, drink fluids and take care of my Sweet Mia kitty. Sweet Mia came to me from a shelter about...
He used to care about me and we used to be able to talk about things. We never discussed our relationship because we just fell into our roles and I was damn good at making him happy so there was nothing to discussed, but he used to be okay listening to me talk about what went on at work or during the day.
Then things didn’t go well last year and the incident happened, and then I got the crappy apartment and I figured I just used up his patience and it was partly my fault he changed. He was always grumpy but he was never this unrelentingly negative.
When things go well he’s such a gift, and even last couple of weeks, things were almost back to where they were a couple of years ago and I was reminded how happy he could make me.
Only this time there was that undercurrent because you’re right when you wrote, “It sounds like you are wanting him to be a a partner, and he wants you to be silent.” I used to just want to make him happy but recently, I’ve been super dissatisfied that I can’t talk to him and I just want to be heard and I want to hear what he thinks and know what he wants and what makes him feel cared for and loved instead of trying to guess.
I was planning to bring all that up right before he left for his country and hoped maybe he’d come around and if not, break up with him then (because I realized if this relationship is going to end, I’m going to have to do it.). Well, all this has given me a clue that trying to bring up anything isn’t going to end well.
I am going to put myself first and continue to work on cultivating self-worth. I am super grateful that you responded, even though it sucks to realize how different his and my goals and standards are in this relationship. I guess I should see it a positive that I even standards now. I was seriously kicking myself this morning for putting my foot in my mouth. I’m seeing it probably was for the best. Thanks again for your response. It shows you care and I really appreciate that. Hugs.
Are you trying too hard with this relationship....is He doing anything to work on himself to improve relationship with you?? Seems, with little tiny bits of 'good' he might throw out every once in a while gives you Big Hope?????
He's a dysfunctional man who uses emotional abuse towards you - stonewalling, silent treatment, gaslighting, word salad, blaming...
Being codependent did not cause him to be this way...or you being less codependent isn't going to stop him from being this way.
Being codependent KEEPS YOU STUCK with him. Making excuses for him. Stop trying to change yourself and change your situation instead.
It's ok, wise, and smart to get away from someone who treats you like this.
A few good days doesn't justify this bad behavior.
Please stop thinking if you fix your codependent ways...he will magically be what you want. He has to do the work himself, you can't do everything.
Can you grow in a toxic environment? Or is it like standing in quick sand, and trying to pull yourself out?
I am trying too hard with the relationship and didn’t realize it. I thought I was concentrating on my healing, then he was warming up again and I was enjoying our time together again and then that happened yesterday and I thought it was the universe telling me talk to then not when just before he leaves as I planned to... and I just realized why I “put my foot in my mouth” is because I’m still trying to get through to him.
In my heart, I know this should end when he goes in mid-April, and there’s a very good chance I’ll have the good sense to do what I need to do then, even though every cell in my body is screaming at the idea.
Thanks as always for your comment. It helped me realize me a few things. HUGS.
To Lavender80 - ha, right after I wrote that response to urbangardener, I realized that a secret part of me was hoping that if I healed my codependency, maybe I could win back his respect and love for me. I never saw it that way until today and you are one smart cookie for seeing that I was unknowingly hoping that by healing myself I would heal this relationship.
One thing I do want to ask and I realize i’ll Probably come off as an idiot for asking it - was his behaviour yesterday really bad? I know his past behaviour of stonewalling when I did nothing wrong was unacceptable but was it wrong that he got upset with me for bringing up something he didn’t want to discuss?
I’m not saying it was okay for him to get upset but was that really bad behaviour? I feel like I was stupid for not taking him at his word when he said he wasn’t upset or he wasn’t mad and I didn’t drop things.
Anyways I’m seeing that we have different goals for the relationship. Even if I still think he’s a good guy, I see he has a lot of dysfunctional habits and I’m not the person to fix them. As much as I don’t want to believe this, I know this relationship isn’t the best thing for me. Goddammit.
Thanks so much for your reply, Lavender. I appreciate your honesty and willingness to say what’s on your mind, especially after all these months. I can’t imagine that seeing this drama play out for this long isn’t somewhat frustrating. Thank-you. HUGS.
Nor does she have to go replay everything she said n beat herself up over it.
That was not a stupid question... it's showing me that you're hurting, confused, and don't really trust yourself.
We've all been there. But... you have to look back what you first posted about him... to now. What has changed?
The pattern is still there.
I read this blog on codependency once that said..."stop trying to get everyone to agree that your partner is an asshole. Just stop being an asshole to yourself."
That really resonated w me...bc i realized... hey...deep down i knew he was a jackass. I didn't need my friends, therapist, an article to confirm it. My ONLY problem was figuring out why im ok with being in relationships with jackasses.
Im not frustrated at all... you're going thru something real... and you don't have to be perfect about it. That's real and honest. We've all been stuck n see a bit of ourselves in you.
There's a hidden secret about healing... you can read n be told so much good information... but won't mean anything... until one day... something happens... when your mind and body are ready to integrate and accept this knowledge you've kept tucked away.
It will happen. Stay positive. You seem like a very kind, loving person. You deserve a much better partner and a great life.
and Wait for him to make his exit. No
Action is a choice too.
I have been on that crazy codependent
Hamster wheel trying to fix the unfixable
And fix what was broken in our relationship.
It takes two people Truly working On it not
One.
I only made myself Totally Insane. I can now
laugh at Myself. It still hurts the feelings of
rejection and Abandonment.
I am very glad to be healthier In myself And not
in Any relationship until i fix Me And my issues.
Relationships are where codependency shows
Up the most, Hugs and take care of you
We’ve both changed and I need to see the reality of the relationship today, and not keep wishing we could back to what we had before.
Mirandac - if by making his exit you mean him leaving, I realized a month ago he’s most likely not going to ever leave. It would actually be easier for me if he did. I hate leaving relationships. I hate hurting people, letting them down, having them think I abandoned them or don’t want to take care of them anymore. True codependent haha. It could happen that he leaves me, but I thought so many times this past year he would and he never did, so i’m 95% sure that if this relationship is to end, I’m going to have to end it. That sucks. Oh well.
Thanks for your reply Miranda. I’m glad you’re feeling healthier now
Thanks for that. I am married to my best friend and parts of me thinks that is all it should be. I have been trying too hard and over giving to compensate for her lack of affection/energy.
The time out concept is sad to me. Being so hard on yourself. The scenario you described is so mundane (not to belittle your feelings) and to have it become a’thing’ should raise a flag. I understand the tendency to want to get him to relax because an agitated partner affects those of us who don’t have great boundaries.
However (might be wrong) I’m reading between the lines and wondering if your concern might be more frustration at his being (once again) sucked into the constantly unfolding drama that our narcissistic leader delights in creating. And you just didn’t express your weariness at it. What if you had said ‘how can you still be surprised by anything that the politicians do?’ If you can imagine it, they’re doing it. Would he have taken offense? I mean he can say when he doesn’t want to talk about something, what about you expressing your not wanting to talk (or ever think) about the same thing just in a different form? Seriously when I hear they want to drill oil on the north slope (when we already have too much oil) and open more strip mines and cut epa funding exc..... I could read the next day that the White House hosted a rare bird hunt and that’s just par for the course. Upset? Sure, but as a continuation of previous upset ness. It’s not worth my or my partner’s peace of mind in that moment.
Anyway thank you and all who responded because I am learning about my own coda issues. You’re a bright woman and I bet you already know the answers to your questions. I think often times we know before the question even is formed. Trust you.
I do have to clarify one thing:
“However (might be wrong) I’m reading between the lines and wondering if your concern might be more frustration at his being (once again) sucked into the constantly unfolding drama that our narcissistic leader delights in creating. ”
I’m actually a conservative who doesn’t think Trump is Orange Hitler. He’s a lot of lot better than Trudeau, who is unfortunately my leader. I don’t want this to get political but I will say I used to be on the far left, I know a lot of great leftists, but being a conservative is way better for me. When my partner and I talk about corruption, we mean corruption on the left, which does exist. It’s one the many reasons why I stopped being a leftist.
I don’t mind him talking about it. I love to talk about it too and it’s actually one reason why I’m reluctant to let him go because I’m surrounded by leftists and it’s going to suck to have no one else to share my conservative view with.
Anyways he wasn’t upset, which I wish I picked up on because it would have saved a lot of drama. I was afraid he would get upset which is why I put my foot in my mouth and heh, here we are. It’s okay. It gave me some good intel on the relationship that I needed
To be honest I don’t watch tv and rarely listen to npr for news. I’m taking as much free time as I can to learn to be present.
I like the middle path myself.
Thanks for the reply. It’s good to clarify things and I respect that very much.
Honesty is priceless
I am wondering, based upon my own life's experiences, if this man ever really loved you and had respect for you? You see, I think it was all lacking in the first place but he either hid it from you or you didn't want to see his lack of love/respect. I think that if he truly didn't love you, he would have moved out or something long ago. Some people will continue to stay for cheap rent, for sex, because it is easier than moving but they don't really love the person any longer and won't speak up. Or they never loved the person but faked it for a while. I think we codependent women often go for guys that are unavailable so we have a project to work on. Easier to work on HIM than to work on OURSELVES. I changed during my first long marriage and then realized this man was not healthy for me to be with. He didn't respect me and I don't think his idea of love was love, it was control and ownership.
Now your man sounds like he doesn't want you being real with him, doesn't want to hear about your ideas or feelings. He may not respect YOU but do you respect you? (I hope so!) He gets to be a sh*t and you blame yourself. No, this is wrong to my thinking. You can blame yourself for being rude or disrespectful to him, but you should not blame yourself for how he feels. What if: it is not you, it is him? (I recognize that we all have issues and bring baggage and problems into our relationships and no human is perfect.) He likes the relationship on the simple and the non-emotional connective. It worked at first because you were probably willing to swallow a lot of your own emotional need and your own self respect and self love for the sake of being with this man. Again, maybe I am projecting some of my own stuff onto you or maybe I just see this screaming at me because I have lived it. I am not sure but I sure hope you find your happy place because you are one special person.
Urbangardener - “You can blame yourself for being rude or disrespectful to him, but you should not blame yourself for how he feels.”
I needed to hear that. It’s getting easier to accept that he had a role to play in all the unfortunate things that happened this year and it wasn’t all on me, but it’s still hard letting of the regrets and guilt of things I wished I had done that I think would have stopped the changes in him. I have to give him the dignity and respect that he chose to feel how he does now, and figure out how to let go of the guilt that makes me I’m to blame for it. This is his choice and therefore on him.
I hope I can feel that in my bones one day.
And thanks so much for your sweet comment! You’re a special person too and helped me so much these last few months. I shudder to think what a mess i’d still be if you hasn’t told me to get off the emotional rollercoaster. I feel a lot stronger now :)