Do you have any friends or family you can call? Call them and get some distance. You're ready to say goodbye to him and that's healthy and good for your own sanity and health but that doesn't mean he's ready to say goodbye. You are being so strong for yourself. Stick to your boundaries, maybe even commit to a "no contact" rule for yourself. You are so important and worthy. You are worth going through this pain to meet and be with someone healthier and better for you. You can do this. But it doesn't mean you have to do it alone or by yourself. Now it's okay to ask for help.

The cure for one man is to find another man.

Welp.....welcome to your addiction.....

Just like a drug you need to put him down to save yourself, sad to say it that way, but honestly that is the way you have to treat it-otherwise you will be the junkie who is self destructive all in an effort to get a fix of a high that will continuously pass and then elude you.

Its a shame those types of things happen, you like him, he doesn't want you the same way back......I also love the ones where it is a triangle and you like someone, they like someone else and the other person likes you and you don't like them. UGggh. Its a terrible feeling....I know it all too well.

But it really sounds like he is causing you a lot more pain/mental anguish then it is worth at this point. I would say, until you get to a place where he doesn't become this thing you are chasing after either physically or mentally and you have enough self worth to have your own self worth in place, then it is probably not a great relationship for you to be in. Maybe once you have found yourself you will also realize that he wasn't even what you really wanted in the first place (I have had a couple revelations recently like that myself....and let me tell you it is a really eye opening thing-they become kinda grody looking, not gonna lie)

Plus wouldn't you like to be with someone who cherish's you, loves you exactly for who you are and what you bring to a relationship, you don't have to second guess yourself or the person you are with, when you look in each others eyes there is a full connection mind, body and spirit? Don't cheat yourself for false feelings of hoping or wishing someone to pick you...it is the rejection that is stirring this up for you, and you want to 'win'....but in this game you aren't gonna win....because he more than likely is not in the same place you are, which is meaning you are solely convenient right now.

I say skip the wedding.....skip calling him back.......unless he is getting down to the nitty gritty and giving you a full commitment that you are worth.......he can kick dirt.

YOU.ARE.WORTH.IT! xxoo

Thank you. I know you are right. it truly does feel like an addiction. And to be honest it feels as if I am chasing that feeling that makes me feel good temporary and then feel like crap again. I am starting therapy soon. I had 9 months of therapy a few years ago and I do feel it made a difference. I am nervous about a new therapist and doing this all over again but at least its a start with some hope

Well don't be nervous at all, your story and you are totally worth hearing and being validated! So good on you for taking care of yourself!! xxoo Good luck and this group is always back up!!

You know what is ironic? my sister is a psychiatrist she is doing her first year of residency so she isn't any expert yet but you would think it would make things easier but I feel its actually strained our relationship. Maybe because she has seen my problems for a while and for years I denied them and that pushed her away. Its almost hard for me to go to her now and admit that so much of what she said about me needing help was right. I know she is someone who can help a lot I guess its just so tough because of how much I tried to defend my behavior for years and what a strain that caused.

Sooooo are you going to your sister for therapy? That might be a little complicated for you, no?

lol no I would never go to my sister for therapy. I just have a difficult relationship with my sister in general and one I want to work on but it will require me going to her and having to admit a lot of what I spent years in denial to her about. The reason we are so distant is because of the many awful things I said to her in the past when she tried to help me understand my problems. I was sooooooo defensive I was probably very difficult to be around. I am sure seeing patients daily and helping other people but not being able to get me the help at the time was also hard on her. I think it will probably take a lot of work over time for my sister and I to get back to a place where we are close like we were when we were younger

Well I think what you just said in this comment, will be the door opening for you to have that......and I would say she probably won't take advantage of your humility in admitting it but will likely embrace the chance at having you back in her life and be close again.....

Take a shot at it, and just know your boundaries......being defensive is solely protecting yourself from being hurt...but if there is a fighting chance in having your sister back and close with you, is the defense really worth keeping??

Its ok to be wrong, in fact, totally liberating once you get the hang of admitting it!! To be wrong allows you to be human and imperfect, trying to stay perfect and right is exhausting!

Ya i agree I think my sister has only wanted what is best for me and will likely just be happy I am getting help. Its really hard for me to talk to my friends because I truly feel I put on such an act with most people in life. I have a few best friends I have known since I was 8 years old! I grew up with these people and of course they would be there if I needed. Yet all these years I always acted like my life was so together. No matter how badly I was being treated by my ex I made everyone think I had this great life and things were always going so well. Maybe this is why it was hard to talk to my sister because I couldn't bullshit or fake my life with her. Why is it that so many people cant just be honest and tell the people in their life that they feel broken or their life is just a mess personally? Maybe because nobody wants to seem like a failure and have people feel sorry for them. I have recently started slowly telling my friends that things aren't as perfect as I have tried to make them seem.

Hmmmm for me it was the embarrassment of making what others would call a "bad decision" while I was thinking I was "right" and so convicted about it and then possibly needing someone to bail me out of it or help me out of it which would mean I had to admit I was wrong. And my perfectionism.....I am BADDDD when it comes to that.

But what I have learned so far, is that there is no such thing as a bad decision, that it is all a part of life and a path of learning that this soul of mine needed to get to the next chapter or phase of life....there really is no such thing as "right" or "wrong" or "black" vs. "white....there are too many circumstances or variables to be that simplistic of mind in this life.....we are all right for ourselves and that is the best we can do.....and at the end it is intentions that really matter :)

As far as perfectionism....I am still really working diligently to let that go....so hard coming for me. But I am just slowly accepting every flaw (the fat on my legs that jiggles, the slight crookedness to my teeth, that I can't seem to manage my budget for the life of me, that I am not always right)........once I let it all go and say "whatever I am just stoked I have arms/legs and teeth and money to spend" then I can enjoy my day so much more...and focus on more important things like the fact that I get to be alive today.....

I get caught up in the minutia at times.......oh well, progress not perfection ;)

I sooo understand everything you have said here.

Hope everything is going better PInkRose. I'd just like to say I read through all the answers to your question and love them all. CoDaChrome you sure have great knowledge. I am new on here and I love your answers to any questions I have seen. You have alot of knowledge. Thank you!