Good boundaries with your sister and not sharing info with you. But STILL... your sister wants to know what your XGF is up to??? Why? Who cares?

I have MAJOR issues when it comes to my parents and their "relationship" with my Ex, my daughter's father. We were married for all of a YEAR, and I'm their daughter of 41 years. If I say to cut ties with him and they refuse, it really gets me going.

But I suppose you can't control what your sis does; only how it impacts you. So as long as YOU don't get updates... whatever, right?

One of my brothers got a divorce from his wife and then he expected me to reject her because I am his brother. Well I loved her as a sister and they had two children my two nieces who I also love, so hell no I was not going to reject his ex-wife and I saw him as insane for him to expect that I would.

And long after my own divorce then my own ex-wife's family has never turned against me as my ex-wife's family and I still love each other today as we were family before and the divorce did not change that.

My own adult son breaks up with his GF every 6 months or so and then 6 months later they get back together, so I like his GF and I see her as the foolish one by keep getting back with my wild son.

It appears to me that expecting others to like what we like and to dislike what we dislike is trying to mesh the feelings and it can not be healthy to like or dislike what other people project.

I really miss her today being valentines and all. It sucks!

Booky- every situation/relationship is different. The way you've posted in the past, I thought you were against divorce, yet you got one. Interesting. Proving that every situation is different.

Confused- don't look too much into the day. Expectations are just premeditated resentments. If you miss loving someone, spend time loving yourself. Hugs.

DeliAnnem,

Thanks for the kind words, I know it takes time.

Hey Booky,

If you can see this. Please understand that I am blocking your posts because to me you make no sense. This is nothing personal, it just seems you and I have a fundamentally different view of what our responsibilities are when it comes to dating/relationships.

Peace

Hi everyone.

It does NOT hurt me when people put me on "IGNORE" but it does trouble me that they do not understand the codependency in doing that.

And yes I do know that I can upset lots of people with my opinions.

Putting a person on the "ignore list" might look like creating a boundary but really it is just creating a WALL which shuts one self inside.

He might feel as if he is locking me out but I am still here, as he is the one shut in and that is why it is an unhealthy WALL.

I am just an anonymous stranger on an internet discussion board and yet his feelings and his emotions get so upset by my comments that the only way he can protect his self is by not seeing the comments and that is a hard way for him to live.

To have healthy boundaries then we can not control what other people say, so our own healthy boundaries we simply must control our own feelings and our own emotions so that we do not get soooooo upset and that is the healthy boundary.

In reality it is a WALL around his self which keeps his self from properly dealing with his feelings and emotions which means he is not healing and no recovery.

He surely feels safe and secure and probably feels strong for doing that, but those feelings are not accurate and that keeps him inside of his own self made prison.

I can honestly say this based on my own codependency experience, because I have been there and have done that my self, as I too had to learn to stand up for myself in the face of anyone or anything.

Link https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LV6WCMsd-3U

If I can jump in here......

So Confused, I really see you are making some incremental steps to completely distance yourself from this lady which is progress in my opinion, for co-dependencies our problems are rooted in not being able to distance ourselves from relationships which cause us pain and self loathing, and we return to support or being with the person all in the name of 'not being the bad guy' and meanwhile we are withering away on the vine. So good on ya!

To me it sounded like her behavior, her financial dependency on you, and whatever else may not be mentioned here is what is causing you to want to disassociate yourself and to not be connected as this is what is causing you a great emotional pain where you feel co-dependent behavior is what is causing the problem. You wanting to disengage is your call, and only you can determine what you need.....not me or anyone on this site.

I really appreciated this string especially because of the consistent varieties of comments and input we all shared, I think we are all good intentioned people and we all have at the heart of each of us a good which we want to 'help' (Co-Dependent much??). I think when we have differences of opinion they either resonant or turn each other off......I haven't seen much of a middle ground :)

In this case @Booky you turned Confused off with your opinion.....I think he was fair in saying that it was nothing personal but that you each have fundamental differences in opinion prior to blocking your posts. Confused not only drew the boundary verbally but as well with blocking you on the site for himself....which is in essence drawing a boundary however he feels is beneficial to HIS growth, not yours.

What I am sensing Booky is you come from a different generation and possibly upbringing. I have found some of your posts radical and somewhat archaic in thought process, but nonetheless have appreciated what you say as it does give a completely different vantage point of someone's experience....I can take it or leave it and that is my choice. I do need to say this to you as this last comment really struck a chord for me to relay this; as it is my opinion and my own personal experience, if something is upsetting you by him blocking you....maybe there is a bit of truth that you need to examine here, and not Confused. I have seen many times your recommendations seem to relay what I would call continued co-dependent behavior.

I know you have your truths, and I respect that.....I just felt compelled to share this with you. Confused situation is that this woman was making him feel co-dependent behavior was occurring.....so chivalry or not, it is not healthy for him to be in a friendship or around this woman. By you stating that he still needs to take care of her, is saying he needs to stay in his co-dependency, yes? That is your fundamental recommendation. I think that is the crux of why you may be feeling like you are taken poorly by your commentary. Well and then you add that woman should not be in the workplace because we are too vulnerable......I think that battle was lost in the 60's so you may need to move on from that ;) Either way you decide to take this, I know you have sincerity in your posts and I know everyone is grateful for that!

Thanks for this string, it was very enlightening to read each persons feedback. I cherish this site for the great group of people who are on it and so earnest with each other....what a gift!

Confused I think you are making great progress!! Keep taking care of yourself :)

CoDa,

Well put and thank you for your encouragement. As I stated I have no hard feelings and no axe to grind. That is what is really nice about this forum. The last thing I would ever want to do is hurt anyone's feelings and if I have done this I sincerely apologize. I am here to support my DS friends and anyone that can benefit from my experiences. My coda issues go back to my failed marriage 29 years ago this September, wow, I'm really getting old:-)

Peace

I forgot to mention, XGF sent me texts last night asking if I was seeing somebody. She said a friend had told her I was on a dating site, FALSE! She proceeded to say she was really hurting and in a lot of pain and also said she really tried.

I did not respond but I wanted to, I wanted to tell her to grow up and take responsibility. I also wanted to tell her that anyone who would say something like that to her is not a friend and is a liar.
Her last text message was "I guess not responding is your way of telling me to leave you alone".

I feel bad but I know I cannot engage as this will lead to no good.

That wasn't easy to write

I'm proud of you, Confused! You are very strong to not respond.

I'd go one step farther and change your phone number and only give it out on a need-to-know basis. Give the digits out slowly to see if she contacts you... Wondering if your sister would leak them...

Hugs.

@Booky- I do like your perspective. I always thought (due to the avatar!) that maybe you were of a different culture. I welcome the dialogue and differences of opinion, as long as we can respectfully disagree.

Thanks! : D

XGF called at about 4:15PM EST, I did not answer, she did not leave a message. I sent a text telling her I was in a meeting, she responded "I hope everything is going well". End of dialogue.

Thanks for sharing your story, Confused

I recently went through a similar issue with an ex trying to maintain contact and tried the 'maybe if I just ignore him he'll go away' tactic. Although that had been my strategy for months, my therapist pointed out that this was not really an effective way to create a boundary (not to mention it is kind of mean), and finally I took the plunge and told him essentially to stop contacting me.

As much as it sucks, it feels better for both parties to just get it out in the open and say you can't continue your relationship with her (in any capacity). You don't have to go into too much detail as to why, if you don't want to, other than to say the relationship and/or pattern of behavior is not working for you. jmo

Wrote xgf a long email after she called on Tuesday. Told her she needs to take care of herself and move on. I was not harsh, just very honest for my own self preservation. I have not heard from her since, fingers crossed.

Thank you "RoseTaylor" for bring the point back to a BOUNDARY and about dealing with the codependency.

Refusing to talk or discuss the relationship with anyone is mean and it is cruel, and a healthy boundary has got to be spoken and put into the proper words.

We can not hide away from our unhappy relationships and refuse to communicate and call that as a boundary because it is not, and it is not treating any codependency either.

Well you got a divorce so now you do not have to talk to them - and maybe that is why you got a divorce in the first place?

A synonym for a "boundary" is healthy communications, as the boundaries come out as the same thing, because when we communicate our feelings then our boundaries get communicated too.

And thank you to your Therapist too RoseT.