Welp....sounds like she needs to hit a bottom so she can dust herself off and become an adult (you are 50 so I am not sure how old she is, but I would imagine it is time?). You can still love her and care for her all you want......it just reads as though it might be healthier for you to do so from a distance. Plus you will be doing her a favor in the long run.

Its too bad when these situations occur because it is hard to fathom allowing someone to fall homeless. But I bet she will be resilient enough to figure out a way to have a roof over her head, she was savvy enough to have the apartment for a couple months.

I am sorry for your situation, as I am sure it is weighing heavy on you and you are having a lot of internal turmoil about it. Just know...you didn't cause or create this situation for her, so there is nothing for you to take responsibility for.

Take care of you!! xxoo

Thanks for the feedback, I know I have a long way to go but I'll take all the positive words I can get.

Peace
Confused

Oh, confused. My heart goes out to you, but I agree with Co-Da C--She knows that you will feel bad for her, and will play on that, but you are not responsible for her finances. It makes it tougher that there are no family member that can help, but as was noted, I am sure she will find a way out of this--There are temporary shelters (I am working at one in MA right now....probably get snowed in....AGAIN!!) and I'm sure there are in your area, too.

If it is easier for you, I would not talk to her at all until she works through this herself. We can be terrible enablers in all kinds of ways, and it doesn't help the person at all even if we want to give a temporary "fix". I have been on both sides of this issues in my lifetime, and know how it's played. Take care of YOU--hardest thing for us to do, but a day at a time you can do it-- When you feel like calling her or answering her calls, go to a meeting, write to us, go for a drive, work out....etc
We're rootin for ya!1

Today I am feeling more depressed than usual, I hope she is okay. I am an active member of AA attended a very depressing meeting today. I did not talk or open up because the stories I heard were incredibly heart wrenching. So much so that it has really affected me emotionally. Thanks for the encouragement and kind words. It is sincerely appreciated.

In my perspective - and speaking man to man - then we must not treat a girl friend as we would treat a grown daughter, and so I say to keep bailing her out if you can.

Do not buy her drugs or booze - no, but if she needs help with her rent and if you can pay it then I would say to help her out. If not then maybe talk to her friends or contact her family to see if you can get some help for her from them? If nothing else then take her to a female shelter and put her into it.

Enabling her to do wrong - then of course not.

But enabling her to live is some thing which a man must do for a Lady in need.

That is not just a matter of helping her - no - it is also a matter of you keeping your own honor and chivalry and you being the man.

If she can not sleep in your house then let her sleep in your car, and if need be then sleep out in the car with her to keep an eye on her.

Yup, sounds like you're in the right place Confused. Nice job on setting boundaries though (in my opinion anyway). Peace.

Hi Confused, I'm also a member of the AA Fellowship. You'll see a lot of overlap between the symptoms of Coda and Alcoholism. Like Freesailing mentioned- I've also been on both sides of this calamity. My experience has shown me that folks must feel pain(bottom), sometimes more than others, in order to have the willingness to change. Everytime someone put a pillow under my ^ss, it stopped the pain and I continued on with the same behavoir.

Like you, I'm an emotional individual. Less now than in the past. I don't like to see people suffer. I've been there. But, certain people will use that against us and manipulate us into getting what they want. They feel free to hand their responsbilities to us, so they don't have them. We teach people how to treat us. We must acquire boundaries, not for them, but for us and our peace of mind.

Hang tough! Remember, we can't FIX people. She has a Higher Power and it's not you.

Booky, I really don't understand your comment. If confused is NOT to treat his GF like his daughter, then WHY should he continue to bail her out with $? That IS treating her like a daughter. And I'd say that's not good to do with an adult child, anyway...

That being said, you did NOT stop all contact with her, since you heard from her 3 days ago.

If you REALLY want to move on from her, block her number from your phone. You are NOT her ATM. She's GOT to be self sufficient.

Why do you give to people out of guilt? What do they hold over you? Are you giving just to make yourself feel good, at the expense of their own growth?

Go REAL NC and see how you feel in a month...

Hi Deli,

I change what I said that yes it is kind-of like treating the GF like his daughter, and my point was that some parents really do throw out their daughters and I was trying to dissuade that.

My own view is that a 3 year relationship is equivalent to being married and as such his commitment to her does not end just because they break up.

And even if it is not equivalent to being married then the Man's commitment to the GF still does not end just because they break up.

To view it as treating the GF as like a daughter is fine or do not, but just treat her like a person is enough. The 3 year (or even 3 day) relationship means that there is a requirement for honor and chivalry to the Woman from the Man.

And really even if it were just an old Man friend with no romantic relationship then we just must not completely turn our back on our old friends.

Buy things for them maybe or some times, but do not give cash, and help them into a homeless shelter or help them get back with their family or other friend, but do not turn cold or cruel.

It is different for a Woman to throw a Man out onto the streets, but for a Man to do that is NOT the same thing.

Every person must uphold their part in every relationship. She apparently can't or won't hold down a job. Constantly bailing her out is enabling her to behave in a way that allows her to do things to cause her to be fired and then end up without a place to live. She needs suffer the consequences of her behavior so she is encouraged to learn how to function like an adult and gain independence. This sort of codependency keeps the other person trapped.

You really need to let her live the life she is choosing for herself. It is the only way that she can make her own choices.

Good luck

Hi BrightSide,

Why take the position that she "can't or won't hold down a job"?

I see no reason to take that position.

I say we need to consider that she has problems and maybe psychological problems and maybe any job is harmful to her as she needs other kinds of help, including the need for compassion and sympathy.

For me I never liked women in the work force because the Men and the Bosses take advantage of the Women and as such the Women really do need to be able to quit any job at any time for any reason or else they are liable to be violated.

I truly hate the very idea of pushing any woman into any job as we live in a sick and unsafe world.

To "enable" is only negative when we help people doing wrong, but to enable a person to do better then that is not negative.

Just talking here BrightSide, as I love your input, and maybe the GF is a crazy-nut but maybe she is not. She was okay for 3 years so viewing her differently now seems unjust to me.

Whoah, Booky... usually I like your posts, but that was just WAY too much for me...

"Can't" implies disability; "won't" implies laziness. And I don't see why the OP should support a GF when there's no commitment.

Also, the idea of keeping women out of the workforce to "protect" them??? Really? That's been used as an excuse to repress them- both intellectually and financially. I'm not saying you are like that, but it's a VERY dangerous position to take.

He said that the GF got fired 3 times and getting fired just one time is very hard on a person's self esteem, so the woman has been beaten down.

He says that she has no family left so she is in a horrible condition.

I say that the Man needs to give her help, even if that does not include total support.

I think to enable people is fine, as long as it is not at your own expense.

If I want to help the neighbor next door b/c they can't feed their kids, that's compassionate if I have extra food.

But to $$$ bail out an ex lover, IMHO, is not helping- only holding them back. Emotions get involved and there's enmeshment.

Why did she get fired so many times??? That'll say a lot...

If he REALLY wanted to help in a non-codep way, he could at least give her the name of a contact (but not her as a reference) for a job interview, or give her some names to career centers or a women's shelter.

But $ is a fish; better to give her a chance to learn how to catch her own... And it still doesn't change your implication that it's better to just give her $ to keep her out of the workforce. I think that would be VERY codep. Again, she's not his wife; they broke up for a reason...

For some reason or other my sister is still FB friends w/ the XGF. I am not on FB and have no desire to be. XGF posts weird updates about spending valentines alone. I asked my sister why she does not nfriend her. She said because she wants to know what she is up to. I think that a bit strange but who am I to tell my big sister what to do. We talked and we agreed that she not share anymore info with me.

Happy Saturday!
Confused