This may sound weird, but when he goes into blackout drunk, drag him outside (drunk in public) and then call the police on him and say he was threatening to punch you outside and now he's passed out.

If he begins spending nights in the drunk tank at jail, it may make more of an impression on him and perhaps even have a judge down the line force him into rehab. He is into full denial, but it will be tough on him to be in denial if he's spending so much time in the drunk tank in jail.

KS

That is a tough one - you carrying that anger. Do you feel like you have an audience or outlet for it? Because that can become a complicating issue for you as you are trying to work your codependency recovery. Has anyone suggested a CoDA meeting to you? You might find a good support community there where you can talk about your (very legitimate) frustrations in a safe setting...

Hi There,

I am totally new to CoDa admittance as well, but I have been dealing with my anger issues for a little over a year and half, and have been seeking counsel for it and I was given this insight which was totally helpful.

It was point out; Anger is not the true emotion, it is the defense emotion-the one that protects us. There is a truer emotion behind it that is the real feeling, see if you can tap into what it is you are really "angry" about and what the true feeling really is....it could be you are hurt that he isn't trying because it is hard for you to do this alone and feel like the person who is supposed to be your partner isn't pulling his weight. Maybe you are sad, because discovering you are codependent is not comfortable to wear just yet. Maybe you are anxious that there is a timetable of how long you can endure this life. Maybe maybe maybe. But I would search for the real feeling and get beyond the anger part....

I always allow myself to feel the anger first all the way thru and then when I have a chance to catch my breath (taking a lot of deep breaths, listening to music really loud and taking a walk) I find that vulnerable feeling that I hate admitting because it makes me feel week and like I am going to be taken advantage of or worse yet, hurt....if I say it out loud to the person I care about. I find it though and then it makes me gentler about the situation, cause it is a real raw emotion.

I find that if I address things with the real feeling vs. the angry feeling I get a lot better communication and ability to "treat the issue" with the situation for myself or if it includes someone else.

Be kind and gentle to yourself first and foremost. It is TOTALLY uncomfortable stepping out of the anger because it is our warrior self protecting us from the betrayals of life....but once you step out of that anger and start feeling the real feelings, we can really take care of ourselves.

Anyway....good luck, and congrats on taking your first steps of admitting!! Its a biggy I hope you are finding your voice as I am already

This would make me very angry too. My AH used to come home from work every day and start a fight about something, anything, as long as he could blame it on me. Your husband is doing a version of this too, but a little sneakier. It's hard to respond since he's "helping".

I'll tell you what worked for me (for a while anyway) for taking my power back and shutting him up. Maybe that will give you an idea what will work for you. Instead of responding to whatever ridiculous thing he wanted to fight about, such as opening our fridge full of groceries and complaining "There's no food in this f'ing house", or saying "the house is a disaster" after I knocked myself out trying to clean up after dinner, I would just say each time "Don't pick a fight with me" and then leave the room. I felt a little better because I refused to engage in whatever he was trying to start, and I pointed out he what he was really trying to do, which was pick a fight over nothing. It always shut him up. Maybe you can come up with a short, direct statement that you can repeat every time until he's tired of hearing it, something like: "Don't psychoanalyze me. Work on yourself." Hold up your hand and interrupt him if you have to. Don't let him get too far into his lecture or you'll get angry. And leave the room. You will be taking your power back by refusing to engage, and refusing to let him control the conversation. Good luck.

Hun, are you upset that he's an alcoholic in denial, that you say HE's the coda on, or that YOU are the coda one to his behavior?

I do not recommend lying to the police. That's one wrong trying to combat a slew or other wrongs.

I think you need to realize that you are the coda one, trying to get HIM to change.

Did you decide to start to work on yourself in hopes of inspiring HIM to want to get better???

When he encourages you, then say, "Well, then, I guess you will support me no longer enabling you to drink in our home." See what he says. Then tell him that you plan to divorce him because this is not how you want to spend your elder years.

Otherwise, this will be the rest of your life. The only way for you to get better is to draw this line and mean it.

Good advice deliannnem

Karensue - in my experience I do get lot of advice from friends family and everyone and anyone for the things I have not asked for... in my opinion its a kind of denial at their end that they are too focused on you rather than themselves ... Anyways unresolved issues from past can trigger our hotbuttons. What does the advicing from ur husband remind u from past ? It definitely did remind me of my pathological parents who criticised me for everything. The critic stayed in my head until I made it a point to let it go...

In my post I left out my main point - once you take your power back, the anger will go away. The anger is your mind telling you something is not right.

If you think the advice I gave above about how to make your husband stop lecturing you is too harsh or rude of a way to treat a spouse, I urge you to read the following article. You can forget all the "rules" about marriage that you have read in self-help books, when you are dealing with a narcisstic alcoholic:

http://www.narcissismaddictionsabuse.com/Why-Narcissism-Addictions-Abuse-Dealbreakers.html

Thank you to everyone for replying! I appreciate all the ideas, and while I don't think forcing a negative consequence (and lying) on him will be one of the things I try to work on this, it sure did make me smile :)

I realize the slippery slope of MY trying to see MY issues in him, however I really don't think it is the case. Honestly, I hadn't thought much of him as a co-dependent until I was reading one of the books I have on the subject....then a lightbulb went on.

I really appreciate the ideas about finding what is behind the anger (I actually read something about this today!), and finding a phrase I can use to stop a "going nowhere good" conversation and clearing out for a while!

I feel like he's holding on by a thread, it's been a week since he drank, pretty sure while he was outside today putting meat in our garage freezer he drank the cm of tequila that he had forgotten about in the freezer. I def. smelled something when he gave me a kiss....and he picked a fight today, so there is his excuse...

Also, I would LOVE to go to a meeting, but I live in a very rural area, I looked into Al-Anon, but the one meeting even semi close I just can't go to. So here I am, on this board, and the one for Wives of Alcoholics :)

There are coda meetings online and on phone.. look it up on coda website or google it. Its very important to understand that its his disease you didnt cause it you cant change it and you cant cure it ... adult child of alcoholics is another good group. Check it out. Once you start working on yourself everything will fall in place.. Hugs

I am codependent, too, and I know this without a doubt. But unlike you, I do not admit that this is a negative coping mechanism. I have come to view my positive trait of kindness of being unappreciated, abused and taken advantage of.

My way of dealing with my rightous indignation from being taken advantage of, was to find new ways to limit a narcissist of taking advantage of me.

Damn right you're angry! GOOD FOR YOU! That's natural. It's human, and it's there to remind you that someone is doing things that make you unhappy. Your anger is trying to tell you that it's high time to change things so you can stop feeling pissed off.

I decided that I needed to do something drastic to change my self esteem problem. I had serious health problems that had accumulated through the year-long focus on his life and the neglect of my life. So, I decided to change for ME. And what he thinks is no longer important.

The drastic things were making myself exercise 3-5 times a week and fasting 3 days a week.

Now, just like your S.O., mine suddenly turned into Mr Health Expert. Yeah, "Mr I-smoke-2-packs-of-cigarettes-a-day & shoot-up-insulin-every-meal & take-high-BP-meds" was telling me all about what I should & shouldn't do when it came to diet and exercise. Yes, the very same person who nearly died from drinking was suddenly Mr Health-Guru. But MY HEALTH, not his health.

Did this piss me off? LOL-LOL-LOL!

So, what do I do? Ignore him. Really, it's that simple. Do the programme that works best for you. He is not "encouraging" or "supporting" you. He's trying to boss you around. He wants to command your attention, because your attention at the moment is on your (mental) health - not his. So ignore him. Just let him yap away, and try to remember that someone mentally incompetent is trying to tell you how to run your life. It's kind of like a four-year-old trying to tell you how you should drive your car.

That helps with the anger. Just don't take any of his advice seriously. Don't give him any respect, if you not getting any yourself. You don't have to respect people who trample on your respect like four-year-olds stomping on your garden flowers.

Weissdorn :) Thank you! I am working HARD on the changing for me part! I have let myself go in the last year and a half, and am working at changing that! And enjoying it, which is something I haven't done...well, since I met and started dating him!

You hit the nail on the head with the anger, so infuriating to have someone that is completely oblivious to the things they are letting fall apart, tell you how you need to work on yourself!

I am exercising daily, either yoga, playing Wii fit (that hula hoop game will kill you the next day!), added in sit-ups last night. Eating healthier :) Starting to feel good about being me!

I will graduate with my Associates degree in Healthcare Mgmt this summer, and then will be able to find a job and an outlet!!!! Can't wait to have my own checking account again! Also, knowing I will be able to support myself and the kids if need be!

Again, thanks to everyone who answered me...venting helps, as well do the stories!