Firstly thank you for taking the time to listen to what I have to say, it means a lot to me. 

Before I get into the things that are troubling me, which I have a deep need for empathy for, I want to let you know what kind of empathy I receive best. I'd like you to reflect back what you heard me say, the feelings and needs you hear within me. Please don't offer me any advice without asking first, it would be best for me to just know that you care enough to show me you understand what I'm going through.

I recently realized myself as a person who fit very neatly under the label "codependant." All my life I have been aiming to please, and denying my own needs, disrespecting them, in fear of what others might think about me. I've recently woken up to the old wisdom of "sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me," and am in the process of great healing, and rediscovering the joy of being alive. 

So, when I'm meeting my needs throughout the day, I am happy. 

One need I am not meeting though is the need to mourn, and I can feel it, like a knot in my chest.

I feel scared, and sad to acknowledge that in my childhood, I went through a lot of trauma. Even now as I write this, I can hear my co-dependant inner critic telling me "it wasn't that bad," "why would anyone care that you didn't get enough love as a child," "other people were beaten, or had it far worse off then you." This is at the heart of my struggle to find self esteem, and self worth once again. 

I guess I'm worried of what you might think when you read this, like a fear that if you were that person who had it worse off, and you compared me to yourself, you would hate me for taking up space on the message board...

However, some part of me has found newfound hope in people's capacity for compassion and empathy. I think I have realized that it's not about the problem, but the pain, the suffering. We connect to what is alive in people, and what is alive in me right now is a lot of hurt, a lot of sadness, anger, and emptiness.

It's a hole inside of me, that I feel I can never fill. Like a missing piece to a jigsaw puzzle that was lost with my childhood. I am trying to sense where it all started. I feel as though I was very very young, and I wanted to give my mom something special I had made for her, to show her how much I loved her. I think I remember walking into her office, she was working, but I, being a child, was completely oblivious. She was a single mom, and worked very hard. I offered her the gift, and instead of the joy that I feel every child deserves the opportunity to enjoy in love, she screamed at me. "JESSE! I'M TRYING TO WORK! LEAVE ME ALONE!" I felt terrified, my needs for safety, for love, for care, were all completely violated by the person I counted on the most in life. I cried, and cried, and she continued to glare at me, sigh angrily, act annoyed. This is when I first learned to 'turn off' my emotions. I became a very "good boy," at the tragic cost of my ability to connect with my emotions in a way that felt safe.

And now, here I am. I know I need to mourn all of this past trauma, but I don't know how. It's like I'm standing at the top of a very high clifftop, looking out over the ocean. The ocean represents all of the sadness I have supressed. I know I need to get in the water, to learn how to swim, but I have no way of reaching the ocean without diving in. I'm in dire need of understanding and empathy, any you could provide would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you, and may you find joy in this day - Jesse