Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Where does one begin? My father is an alcoholic. Has been since I am able to remember, although he did stop drinking for a significant amount of time in my teen years. My mother stayed married to him and he has always lived with us and supported us, although I never had any emotional support from him and I believe the older I get, the more it effects me, especially in relationships. I have never been able to complete anything in my life. I have never truly known who I am. I am always looking for my mate to fill the emotional void in my life which kills my relationships. I cry, all the time, lately. But, I always put on a good front, like everything is perfect in my mind. I wonder what it is like to hug my father and not feel uncomfortable, I wonder what it is like to ask him for advice or to talk to him about anything for that matter besides the weather and how is he feeling. I don't know what I am looking for exactly but just wanted to see if anyone else has had similar experiences and how you got through it as an adult. I know I can't blame my father for my emotional inadequacies, but I am sure he has had an effect on it. I am sick of being codependent and just want to feel happy being me, whoever that is....
I also had an emotionally absent dad. He didn't mean to be - he didn't know how. He couldn't show emotions until he had 10 beer in him. For me, it was a love-hate relationship with his drinking. On one hand, poor ole' dad didn't have the ability to stop drinking once he started and on the other hand - I loved it because for the first 10 beers, I beame my 'daddy's princess'.
My whole journey in life was to become someone's princess and to feel thosse feelings again.- to be told I was beautiful, funny, cute and smart....... to be looked at as VERY 'special'.
And just like dad's first 10 beer's - I would become some man's princess for a short time until the infactuation wore off and I wasn't getting that needy need met anymore. So I went on to the next person........I had to have my 'fix' of feeling like a princess.
I didn't know how to get this need met from myself . Especially that feeling that comes from being aprroved by a man. How does a woman love herself like a man would? How does one become their own 'princess'?
So I completely depended on men for that 'princess' feeling and the 'people pleasing' that I did with all other species..... woman, friends, family, etc., was so I could be validated and told how wonderful I am....... that I am good enough.
I am beginning to understand for me, that when I give up the needy need of having to be 'romanced' in order to get that princess feeling, I can give myself a gentle, kind love that tells me I don't need to be anyone's princess - I can just be me, a human who experiences all my good parts of myself and continues to love myself even with the 'shadow, dark side of me and all my mistakes. This allows me to love others the same way.
The whole 'princess' story was all an illusion I made up in my mind when I was a young girl listening to stories like 'Sleeping Beauty', etc....... Happily ever after and riding off into the sunset with never a problem again. How can one live in this type of illusion?
We are set up to fail to get our needs met, especially in romantic relationships because of the belief system we were taught in childhood and the messages we got from 'happily ever after' fairy tales, while we were growing up.
There are many humans who do not know how to love. Nobody taught them, they grew up in families where they just learned how to survive - like my dad. (and me!)
It seems as if I always reached out to people (men especially) who I would try to 'force' them to love me by becoming 'everything' to them. Wrong! They wouldn't give me the constant validation that I needed, so I pushed most of them away.
I am learning that I am OK without all the 'validation'. I don't know if ANY of that made ANY sense to you at all - but I felt today that I needed to get these feelings out for me and maybe you can get something from it???
If my self-esteem is based on people, places, and things; money, property, and prestige; looks, talent, intelligence; then I am set up to be a victim. I don't want to be a victim anymore.
I really like this youtube with Eckhart Tolle. He really speaks to me about being codependant in realtionships. Have a listen to this and see if you get anything from it. Very best wishes for us on this journey! sorry, this post was kinda long.........
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3miuaOWsj8&feature=related
He tears down. You create.
I have only very recently realised that I was very damaged by my childhood, there is no more denying it to myself. My parents didn't love me the way I needed them to love me and it has done some damage. I am also realising that there is nothing that I can do to change them, I will never be able to make them treat me any differently. But I am learning NOT to take the way they treat me personally. It is just like MissVC said, there are many people out there who do not know how to love, and as their children, we have blamed ourselves for them not loving us the way we needed, we have assumed that they treat us like this because there is something 'wrong' with us. But please just remember, they treat us this way because of the way THEY are and because of THEIR issues,NOT because of the way WE are. And we can recover from this damage, but NOT if we rely on our parents to repair the damage. We can, and need to, repair it ourselves.
Realising this has been a huge breakthrough for me. It is devastating for children not to be loved the way we needed, but chances are that your dad (in my case, it is my mother) is never going to 'be the way you need him to be' because he has some issues, regardless of how perfect you are or how much you do for him. For me, that has taken a huge weight off my shoulders- I feel so much more free to be who I am now instead of only trying to be who they want me to be (and STILL never quite being good enough!).
Wishing you all the best, and I hope you continue on this path of awareness and recovery, it is very much worth it. Take care :)