Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
This is my first post here on Codependency. My husband and i have a 40 yr old son who lives with us. He pays rent and helps around the house. He is an addict and has an addictive personality. He was in 2 drug rehabs when he was a teenager. At that time I was starting my journey of healing in therapy because I was a victim of sexual, mental and physical abuse. I am presently still in therapy.
I am very aware that my issues of abuse play into my codependency. I was very aware even before therapy of my son not living the life I had to live in the foster family. I think I was a lot more lenient as a parent, and very much aware of how I spoke to him and treated him as a child and even as an adult. He is not disrespectful to us as parents.
Our son recently got a DUI, his first. His license was taken away for a year and he is on probation for a year.
Yesterday he came home drunk after going to a bar. I was livid, but did not say anything until this morning. I told him today that if anything happened and he was picked up for public drunkenness he would have violated his probation. After much "I did not drink that much, ya da ya da" I told him this is the issue. He could have been picked up. I will not go thru another year of driving him to work so he can pay his fines. I have suggested therapy since I do think he has some low self esteem stuff going on after the girls he has dated. Presently if he were to date someone I would think first deal with himself and only then can he be effective in the life of others. I realized that for myself as well.
But..... I worry. I create these scenarios in my head of what could happen. In spite of my faith in my God, when he is away I worry, worry, worry. Has anyone else dealt with an adult child still living at home and using. Any advice would be sooooooooooo appreciated.
Thanks.
I am very aware that my issues of abuse play into my codependency. I was very aware even before therapy of my son not living the life I had to live in the foster family. I think I was a lot more lenient as a parent, and very much aware of how I spoke to him and treated him as a child and even as an adult. He is not disrespectful to us as parents.
Our son recently got a DUI, his first. His license was taken away for a year and he is on probation for a year.
Yesterday he came home drunk after going to a bar. I was livid, but did not say anything until this morning. I told him today that if anything happened and he was picked up for public drunkenness he would have violated his probation. After much "I did not drink that much, ya da ya da" I told him this is the issue. He could have been picked up. I will not go thru another year of driving him to work so he can pay his fines. I have suggested therapy since I do think he has some low self esteem stuff going on after the girls he has dated. Presently if he were to date someone I would think first deal with himself and only then can he be effective in the life of others. I realized that for myself as well.
But..... I worry. I create these scenarios in my head of what could happen. In spite of my faith in my God, when he is away I worry, worry, worry. Has anyone else dealt with an adult child still living at home and using. Any advice would be sooooooooooo appreciated.
Thanks.
I am merely trying to impress upon you that this is not something you can just handle at home amongst yourselves. If your son be a true addict/alcoholic, he will require serious professional help for an extended period of time.
As you already have found out, the rehabs he tried did not work.
I wish I could give you advice with regard to your son, but his addiction has him by the throat.
For yourself, my advice is to take good care of your own needs, get into a powerful support group and build a support network along with the therapy you are doing...keep working on yourself.
in peace,
john
Your son is 40. He is an adult, yet you are making yourself responsible for him AND his addiction. Telling him that his drinking violates his probation means NOTHING to him. He knows you are there to save the day.
I know you think your helping him and the last thing you want is for him to get into trouble. But honestly, I don't think you could enable him to continue his disease any more than you are right now.
Look at it this way. It may feel as if you are helping, but what if I told you that by not making him responsible for his own stuff is actually hurting him? Not letting him take responsibility IS hurting him in the long run.
Disease or not, it's HIS disease and not yours to fix. No matter how hard to try to be a "good" parent, you can pretzel yourself into every which way for him and that is STILL enabling him to continue. As a codependent, we think torturing ourselves by "helping" will solve everything and save the day, but what really happens in the end of the day is that we have just tortured ourselves and the person we love keeps abusing anyway....
Enabling doesn't work! Please find an Ala-non group or some other counseling to help you learn where your son ends and you begin. It is the only way to save at least ONE of you.
I've never been a fan of calling addiction a disease. It might help the person who is addicted to look at it that way, but telling a codependent person that this is a disease triggers all kinds of needs to "help" and feel sorry for the person. Two things that make it almost impossible (for me anyway) to keep myself on track when dealing with someone I love who is addicted.
Again I truly appreciate your honesty. I hear Alanon calling. I am familiar with the meetings but stopped going. When I did I truly had clarity.
Please know I understand what your going through, how your feeling and about your fears. Although I don't agree with your choices, I DO understand them from my own personal history with loved ones who are out of control.
You do need clarity.... Not clarity as in how to save your son, but clarity as to how you can cope with HIS choices and behaviors without reacting to them by rescuing and enabling, which are doing NOTHING but making everything much worse, especially your own peace and sanity.
No one will ever be able to tell you that you wont lose your son to this addiction and I hate that, but I can tell you that should that happen, it wont be because of something you did or didn't do.
I so wish peace for you, because I know how insane and crazy this must feel right now.
My mom won't go to any Alanon, or therapy. So I just change the subject when she starts compalining about how bad her life is.
I understand how it feels to be powerless over people you love and watching them destroy themselves whether through drugs or through co-dependency. Codependency is also a fatal condition. I've known non drug addict codependents who have committed suicide behind their codependency.
We must take care of ourselves first. I know it's easier said than done, but it's one smalll step at a time.
Hope you find a good support group. Alanon will probably be your best bet. There aren't too many CODA meetings unfortunately with a lot of recovery.