Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
So, 7 days ago, my lovely, caring sober man fell off his sobriety journey for the 4th time this year.
I can honestly say this is the worst part. I've had the love of my life accuse me of sleeping with someone else, he's finished with me and then told me he didn't mean it, yesterday he wanted me to pay his bills(which I refused) and tonight he's rung me at least 15 times, (I've answered once) begging that I send him £30 so that he can buy vodka and telling me he needs it because he's been drinking 2 1ltr bottles of vodka a day for a week and he'll die if he just stops. (Still I have said no)) He cries, makes gurgling sounds, pants heavily, tells me I dont care or love him. And calm and collected I've told him I'm not partaking and to ring an ambulance if he feels his life is in danger. And breathe!
I will never give in and provide money for this and I have to say that whilst I know this is a terrible illness, I am fast running out of patience and tonight told him if he carries on I will have to block his number so I don't have to listen to it anymore in order that he works this out himself and gets back on track with AA and restarts his rehab programme. And I think it will come to that yet.
I am a very determined character and so I don't know why I still always feel a little guilty when ever we go through this. I refuse to be Codependent though and know he needs to feel the weight of his actions. It's just hard when you have to be a bystander in it. I however know my limits and so does Mr Sober, I have made these boundaries really clear from the outset.
I honestly don't know what the future holds for me, I'm scared for his future and know that at the moment ''us" is secondary to his relationship with drink.
For anyone else that is dealing with this at the moment, stay strong and know your boundaries and stick to them. It's hard to appear heartless and unwilling to help when they are at such a point and it's all you naturally want to do. But it won't help so draw your line and don't be tempted to waiver despite how much they may beg.
boundaries.
My ex never relapsed thankfully the big but
he needed AA and i needed alanon the whole
30 years of our marriage.
We both started recovery way too late in the
game for us to heal or help the relationship, hugs
30 years is a very long time. I guess it's that that concerns me. I'm a battle it head on person, and he seems entirely the opposite.
As hard as it seems, I will spend some me time, see friends, rejoin the gym and meditate and see what I actually think then.
Thank you for your kind words, I do think only people that have been in this situation understand the dilemma it presents.
thought he did not need AA. I too needed alanon for
my own codependency issues.
Most of the time if we end up with one we best look
inward.
What type of upbringing did you have? my ex and i
came from the same mix, hugs
He went to residential rehab at the start of 2017, he was so positive when he came out, he looked healthy, happy and he continued it until Jan this year. 2018 has pretty much been a write off. It's just so expensive but he needs it right now. He's going to kill himself.
I've had to set boundaries, for me and for him. I refuse to be drawn in. I'm from a stable, loving background where I've always been encouraged to be independent and me. So I'm fortunate in alot of ways.
I'm hearing things about what he's doing now from family that I just can't comprehend, last night he took ladders and went through his sister's bedroom window to steal whisky. (They live in the same house, it's a bit complicated). In the end, his Dad has bought him drink just to stop the chaos!
Sigh!
Thanks for your support.
He can get and stay sober. It can be a
Very scary and deadly disease.
We can in reality only control and fix
ourselves not them. Glad you have
Strong Boundaries with him, HUGS
Yes, hes hardcore. And I know that I am only in control of me and what I accept. I understood the journey could be a difficult one, but this year he's not in recovery anymore and displaying all the signs he had before his residential programme. He needs professional help again and to re-engage with it, but last year was expensive and it's not practical again. There is so little help on the NHS and he hasn't been attending AA for months as he says he doesn't need to go because he knows what the problem is!
I have told him tonight that I am stepping away for myself and that he needs to do the same and begin his programme again himself and start his AA meetings and only he can do it and he needs to find his rock bottom and start again.
Unfortunately, his Dad buys him cider because he thinks it's better for him than the vodka, he just doesn't understand that it prolongs the process and he doesn't feel the consequences, he bails him out financially too.
It is a scary illness. I keep thinking that if you shoved your fingers in a plug socket and electrocuted yourself, would you really go back for more? Truth is, they don't choose, they just do it. It's that powerful! Seems surreal!
Keeping strong, hugs back. And thanks again.
relapsed. Take care of you, Hugs
I know I deserve to be treated in a much better way than he treats me when he is drunk and some of the things he does are completely unacceptable. I've kept a journal too so I can refer back to.
It's been different this time, in the past when he's had an episode and drunk himself into oblivion, I have allowed it to affect me. But he's not even concious of the upset it causes, so, I've thoroughly enjoyed having my me time actually. This weekend, my first in 18mths to myself, I have cleared a cupboard of junk, shreaded paperwork, and today watched a whole series on Netflix and chilled in my PJ's till lunch. I reconnected with an old school friend who I lost contact with just after her baby was born and the life got a bit hectic for both of us. Its actually felt great just to not think or worry.
This is hard my heart us breaking