I can tell you from personal experience that there is a need deep within to feel loved and cared about by another person. I believe that stems from a lack of nurturing and love from our caregivers when we were infants and young children. And they may very well just be passing on what they knew from their childhoods. As babies, we need lots of hugs and smiles and words of encouragement. Getting spanked constantly for crying or spilling milk or looking in a bag out of curiosity that you weren't supposed to look into creates an insecure, needy, messed up adult. And yes, when we're attracted to someone as an adult and they show some interest in us, the heart starts beating wildly and the adrenaline is pumping like crazy and you want to get it under control, but it's almost impossible. You just want to be loved by someone. And letting go becomes an incredibly painful, drawn out experience. It's a horrible way to go through life. Hope this helps.

I agree with "stille" above as she describes the root of most codependency.

What I would add is that people hang-on because most people simply do not know when a relationship is not working.

That is why a lot of break-ups happen suddenly, as if by surprise, because as soon as one figures out that the relationship is not working then they jump out of it quick.

"Knowledge is power" - because knowing is the first step in fixing anything or for breaking up, and most people do not know.

We would expect that when a couple is fighting yelling cussing and such - then they both could see that the relationship is broken - but no.

A famous saying declares this - that people have = "Eyes that can not see, and ears that can not hear, and a heart which can not understand."

Matthew 13:13-23 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2013:13-23&version=KJV

There are many reasons for hanging on: children, finances, love, etc. Codependents try like hell to make the relationship work, often to their own detriment. That is the nature of codependency - we don't know when to quit.

Hi mysteryman: I agree with others here. Also, some would rather stay and be miserable and unhappy with someone, then end up peacefully alone. I find that incredibly sad. Some people are afraid to be alone.

I'll take it one step further. CoD's often have low self-esteem and don't feel as though they deserve better. We sometimes model dysfunctional behavior we saw in our parents, for example. My CoD behavior stemmed from an alcoholic family where the parents "blamed" me for their fighting, drinking, etc. To the core, CoD's feel shamed - we are not just ashamed, but we ARE shame. That inhibits healthy relationships where we feel equal and/or demand what we deserve. You have to address the core shame and disgrace

Yeah, I agree too. And sometimes those messed up relationships are all we know and they are what we are comfortable with because we don't know any different. Sometimes we don't actually know how to cope with a healthy relationship... if we are still messy and we get involved with someone who isn't messy then we tend to run a mile because we don't know how to be in a healthy relationship, we have never learnt how to cope with emotionally healthy behaviour or relationships. We grow up surrounded by unhealthy relationships, that is what we know- we then need to learn about healthy relationships, what they consist of and how to be in one.

And sometimes we are addicted to the chaos because we can equate pain or chaos with love. And chaos in a relationship also gives us something else to focus on- we can focus on the other person and the chaos instead of focusing on ourselves.

Take care :)

Everything I have read here is frighteningly familiar. I just now am figuring out what codependency is and I am upset about it. I feel like I was ripped off...lol....I devoted ten long years to mold/raise my son into the nice young man he has become. Never dating. Recently I have decided to attempt to make friends with the "opposite sex" and it is not working out too well, because I am constantly feeling the need to "help" this man when he obviously is not asking for any help, but I "feel sorry" for him and his dilemmas. I am working on slowly cutting ties because I really cannot be involved with anyone while I have codependency issues. Just my opinion.

I am upset about having codependency, too. It makes for a very difficult life.

Great comments

Sack - you are right to cut ties with him. You can't help him, and you'll get sucked in if you stick around. Look for healthy relationships. At least you recognize a bad one when you see it. When you start "feeling sorry" for someone and want to help them, then you know it's not healthy for you. Great progress!