It seems to me that you took them both for granted, and that does not make it as your fault, but it is never wise to take anybody for granted.

She is a 28 year old woman, and that is not too young for a 50 year old man.

They both have some blame of course, but such a thing is rather to be expected when there is no interference.

Hi Need: Both your husband and your daughter are not wild dogs in heat and actually have responsibility in your household to conduct themselves with dignity and respect. They did not.

On the other boards it's been made clear that your husband should have been thrown out a long time ago. In fact, he has been out several times only for you to allow him back in. He is gone now and people have told you he should be gone forever.

You have said you are weak, and he calls you and says all sorts of mean things, but you listen to it and feel terrible. I don't know if you have listened to suggestions to block him from your phone and your e-mail.

He will continue to treat you this way until you strongly tell him NO. Until you believe you are truly worth better than what he has done.

It was also suggested on several boards that you seek therapy, and I agree with that. I believe therapy would be very beneficial for you.

If your daughter continues with this man, she should also be out of your life. You have to set and maintain your boundaries to not allow your husband to fornicate with his adult step daughter and you have to place expectations on your daughter that she will have nothing to do with him.

What are you doing to help yourself? You've been on several boards here, but boards won't help you to handle the problem at home or help you deal with your husband calling you all the time. So again, what you are doing to help yourself?

sad story can just say be glad that something got her sober and do you mean that something sexual happened. God bless u and think that if that is what happened u need to consider run away from him and get yourself and your daughter in a better place. need more info to give advice

Hi as time goes by. yes I have used a lot of message boards on here and the nice people help me a lot. I cannot change my numbers as I have a business line which means my telephone numbers are public so that would not stop my husband ringing me. if I block him he will just get worse by following me everywhere which he did before. I just ignore most of the texts without reading them. I am trying to get therapy but cannot afford it right now so I am looking for some free help. The doctor told me there is a 2 yr waiting list so I am looking in my area also for some free councilling groups which I haven't found yet. I am looking all the time. In the meanwhile I look for comfort here with people similar to me

The resources that I have for therapy won't help you because they are for the U.S.

Is it possible to go to the police and report that you are separated (and will be divorcing when you get the money) and he is harassing you on the business phone? It may take filing police charges (whatever they may be) to make him realize that you are serious in making him leave you alone.

If not, below is a site on domestic violence and scroll down to find the area for you. You can telephone and talk to them and explain he has followed you in the past, he is calling and is saying things to you and frightening you and ask them for counseling and help. See what they can provide for you or maybe they have other phone numbers of groups in your area that you could call to get help.

http://www.hotpeachpages.net/europe/europe1.html#england

As a back-up to my previous comment, so it might not be viewed as inappropriate - then I just watched again the movie "Juno" and little Juno goes over to visit the prospective adoption parents' home and only the Man is there and Juno does not understand why the Man acts uncomfortable when the Woman gets back home, and then Juno is surprised why the Woman is reacting with great surprise.

Later when Juno gets back to her own home then she tells her step Mom about visiting the couple and her step Mom then gets upset and tries to tell Juno how she is not to do that because Juno was violating a boundary.

The step-mom said "there are boundaries" and such boundaries apply to everyone.

In my view the exact same boundary line was crossed as in the movie "Juno" as by allowing your 28 year old daughter into the same place with your 50 year old spouse, as it was violating that boundary line.

For a healthy recovery from codependency then we all must learn about the boundaries and then respect the boundary lines.

Just FYI, for anyone that might want to know.

Thank you. I will do all that.but hope it's ok to talk on here. I have made some helpful and nice friends

Sure it's okay to talk on here. What I meant about boards not handling the problem is that boards won't act on your behalf and get you lined up in therapy or take steps on your behalf to stop your husband. That's for you to do.

AsTimeGoesBy has some excellent points. He has no right to harass you in any way, If this is your work phone, then he is purposely attempting to deprive you of your livelihood thus putting you in a place where you are dependent on him.

There is absolutely NO EXCUSE for this behavior between a man and his daughter. They are fully aware of social rules of behavior. As adults, they are expected to behave according to the normal standards. Simple being in close proximity to each other excuses NOTHING! That is nothing but attempt to place blame on someone else rather than accept they are responsible for their own actions.

The age difference between them is a major stumbling block. He is nearly twice her age. He is using her lack of experience to take advantage. That is just selfish.
She is certainly old enough to understand that this is offensive and betrays the trust bond between you and her. She is old enough to control herself. She is past the age of reason and reached the age of majority which requires her to maintain social and moral morals, maintain her self with respect for you and for herself.

It does seem that you are codependent because you are twisted up and unclear about trusting yourself. It is clear from your writing that you KNOW they are wrong.

I disagree that "you are not a strong person". Everyone who has survived the abuses that create codependent behavior has strength of character that goes beyond normal. The fact that you did not commit suicide rather than continue to struggle to figure out the systems that created this issue shows strength of character.

No you just need to trust that when things feel "off" to you, they really are much worse than you are trained to perceive. As a child, you were invalidated so often that you learned to never trust yourself.

Losing your mom means that you are grieving. That takes at least a year to recover from so take time for you. Do what feels right to you to handle each feeling and situation as it comes up. You are struggling with a lot right now. When things feel wrong, they are wrong. Trust yourself! You know what is right in your heart of hearts.

Codependents "should" on themselves all the time. Things like, "I should have done xyz." AND "I should accept this." OR "I should help." ...... you get the idea. And the should can simply be IMPLIED without being spoken in the statement. Anytime that you feel forced you are "shoulding" on yourself.
Let the choice that you make today be sufficient for today based on what you know right now.

You can also go to CO-Dependency meetings for free. Although they ask for a donation. (most give a dollar.) You can find your SELF but it's not in any of the people you're describing on here.

http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom3.html

http://adultchildren.org/

http://www.coda.org/ajax_control.php?action=load_translation&language=1



*Please be aware, some of the people on these kind of boards project their own misery of their own failed marriages and failed child support payments and even gone to jail for defacing public property. They may not be genuine and what I would consider to be POSERS.

This is a CODA Meeting Locator:


http://www.coda.org/ajax_control.php?action=load_translation&language=1