Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
I don't know if I'm seeking advice or just venting, so this is where the post landed ("Discussions")... I hope this is the right place & that you don't mind:
I am stuck.
All my life, all I ever wanted was to know my place in life. I had dreams of being an actress, even went to college to study it later on. Then the harsh reality set in; it wasn't my passion. So I started to do backstage work, which I enjoyed immensely. But to make that a livelihood -- I didn't seem to have the knack for networking, the jobs were sporadic, I needed a solid income. I wound up working at a retail shop for a bit (Hated It), then worked the nightshift at an adolescent mental health facility for 6 years. It felt stagnant and the kids became more aggressive, which frightened me. I moved on to work with an adult population in mental health, but the stress burned me out in 6 months flat. I decided for the same rate of pay, I could do 1/10th of the work (documentation & placing calls) and become a secretary.
And that's where I've been ever since. Doing horrible, grunt-work secretarial jobs with a pasted-on smile. This is not my calling. I wanted to do something meaningful, so my therapist suggested I work in fields of interest at least. So I worked as a Vet receptionist for 3 years because I loved animals. I worked in a library for 4 years because I love books.
In each place, I found that I had much difficulty with either a boss or a co-worker with an attitude. I seem to have the most problem with Authority Figures. I am able to identify how someone's behavior is representative of my mother, my father, my sister. I've spent years in therapy identifying this stuff, but have never been able to "resolve it" so I can just do my ridiculous job and not be affected by the control freaks around me. Instead, I get triggered and have to keep redirecting my thoughts/focus, repositioning how I'm responding so I don't act out. I am flattened by day's end from the amount of energy it takes.
I've come to realize that I am always in an "entry-level" position, in which there is no power (I also do not have power in my family of origin, being the youngest child). No one wants my ideas, though I love to brainstorm & problem-solve. No one wants to hear me. (I grew up being told to "shut up" and I was denied my anger.) I am triggered all the time in my jobs.
So: now my resume screams "SECRETARY" -- which is a real problem because it is a really bad fit for me. Really. Bad. Fit. I hate/dread being on the phone, I hate/languish doing the same tasks again & again day in and out, I'm not a "customer service" person as I am introverted and have some social phobia. My Myer-Briggs: INFP; Holland Scale: ASI.
I've been to career counselors -- all of whom keep trying to pigeon-hole me into the secretarial gamut. Who then tell me I should be earning 40K, but don't help me figure out how to go about it !!
I recently figured out that I love to write, I love animals & I have always been deeply concerned about the environment. When I looked into activism groups, it's intertwined with either telephone canvassing/knocking on doors -- UGH! (read: Extroversion) and politics (Gag, Barf). Shouting with a poster in hand. Not. I have a thin skin. I can't see myself cold-calling people who are less than pleased to be disturbed from their TV.
I've also come to understand that as much as I think I know myself, I don't know myself at all. I feel like I have no identity. That's why I struggle with finding my place in the world: I don't know what I want. I entertain tons of thoughts, but they all feel fantastical and incredibly unrealistic. Movie Director. Save the Animals. Save the World. So I don't even make a step toward any of it.
I want a meaningful life. But it is empty. I'm not in a relationship (no one looks, anyway) and I don't even have kids. I have nothing.
I am unemployed because I was fired from my last job from hell -- partly because they were phasing it out anyway (they had me training volunteers to "help" with the overload of work put on me -- it was the volunteers who took over my job when I was let go -- nice, right?), partly because I refused to take the BS anymore (I had just quit smoking, so my emotionality was higher than usual and I got really direct & honest with them... LoL). I had 3 bosses for my 4 hour/day job. That's ridiculous. A bunch of control freaks. I had been wanting out after 6 months on the job, but too fearful to look elsewhere. I didn't want to just wind up in another job from hell. Because that seems to be my Mobius strip.
I'm a hard worker, a perfectionist (which is a downfall for me -- I used to think it was an asset), highly conscientious, and unfortunately detail-oriented (I hate details, but I seem to have a compulsion on the job to dot all i's and t's ... trying to control that which feels out of my control, I'm sure)
I don't see my way clear in any vocation as I feel unskilled and like a grunt. Not respected or valued. The more I do, the more people demand of me. Others are smart & figure out they can get paid the same & do a lot less for it. Meanwhile, I burn out. On the other hand, I can't seem to just take a meaningless job because I will feel even worse, so low and awful about myself. It's a bad place to be. I was raised with unrealistic expectations, told I was going to be the 1st female president of the United States, when my father was proud of me for something. When my father got frustrated with any of us, he'd shout, "What are you going to do with your life? Work at Burger King?!" (such shaming made these kind of jobs somehow "beneath" me -- not that they are, but it's an ingrained message, y'see?)
I have been out of work for 2 years. I am a loser. I am middle-aged & clueless. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, except I am grown up. And it isn't cute anymore.
I wish I could figure out my calling. I've tried self-help books, but I'm a Visual Learner ... meaning, I learn best when someone explains things to me, talking it out, showing me, rather than trying to decipher words from a book or website.
I am lost. Is this part of Codependency? My sister thinks I should try to go on disability, but I laugh because in my humble opinion, there's a lot of codependent people in the world. I doubt it would qualify as a true workman's disability. LoL.
Thanks for reading. Sorry I went on so long; I tried to edit -- but my thoroughness.... ah, you know what I mean.
I am stuck.
All my life, all I ever wanted was to know my place in life. I had dreams of being an actress, even went to college to study it later on. Then the harsh reality set in; it wasn't my passion. So I started to do backstage work, which I enjoyed immensely. But to make that a livelihood -- I didn't seem to have the knack for networking, the jobs were sporadic, I needed a solid income. I wound up working at a retail shop for a bit (Hated It), then worked the nightshift at an adolescent mental health facility for 6 years. It felt stagnant and the kids became more aggressive, which frightened me. I moved on to work with an adult population in mental health, but the stress burned me out in 6 months flat. I decided for the same rate of pay, I could do 1/10th of the work (documentation & placing calls) and become a secretary.
And that's where I've been ever since. Doing horrible, grunt-work secretarial jobs with a pasted-on smile. This is not my calling. I wanted to do something meaningful, so my therapist suggested I work in fields of interest at least. So I worked as a Vet receptionist for 3 years because I loved animals. I worked in a library for 4 years because I love books.
In each place, I found that I had much difficulty with either a boss or a co-worker with an attitude. I seem to have the most problem with Authority Figures. I am able to identify how someone's behavior is representative of my mother, my father, my sister. I've spent years in therapy identifying this stuff, but have never been able to "resolve it" so I can just do my ridiculous job and not be affected by the control freaks around me. Instead, I get triggered and have to keep redirecting my thoughts/focus, repositioning how I'm responding so I don't act out. I am flattened by day's end from the amount of energy it takes.
I've come to realize that I am always in an "entry-level" position, in which there is no power (I also do not have power in my family of origin, being the youngest child). No one wants my ideas, though I love to brainstorm & problem-solve. No one wants to hear me. (I grew up being told to "shut up" and I was denied my anger.) I am triggered all the time in my jobs.
So: now my resume screams "SECRETARY" -- which is a real problem because it is a really bad fit for me. Really. Bad. Fit. I hate/dread being on the phone, I hate/languish doing the same tasks again & again day in and out, I'm not a "customer service" person as I am introverted and have some social phobia. My Myer-Briggs: INFP; Holland Scale: ASI.
I've been to career counselors -- all of whom keep trying to pigeon-hole me into the secretarial gamut. Who then tell me I should be earning 40K, but don't help me figure out how to go about it !!
I recently figured out that I love to write, I love animals & I have always been deeply concerned about the environment. When I looked into activism groups, it's intertwined with either telephone canvassing/knocking on doors -- UGH! (read: Extroversion) and politics (Gag, Barf). Shouting with a poster in hand. Not. I have a thin skin. I can't see myself cold-calling people who are less than pleased to be disturbed from their TV.
I've also come to understand that as much as I think I know myself, I don't know myself at all. I feel like I have no identity. That's why I struggle with finding my place in the world: I don't know what I want. I entertain tons of thoughts, but they all feel fantastical and incredibly unrealistic. Movie Director. Save the Animals. Save the World. So I don't even make a step toward any of it.
I want a meaningful life. But it is empty. I'm not in a relationship (no one looks, anyway) and I don't even have kids. I have nothing.
I am unemployed because I was fired from my last job from hell -- partly because they were phasing it out anyway (they had me training volunteers to "help" with the overload of work put on me -- it was the volunteers who took over my job when I was let go -- nice, right?), partly because I refused to take the BS anymore (I had just quit smoking, so my emotionality was higher than usual and I got really direct & honest with them... LoL). I had 3 bosses for my 4 hour/day job. That's ridiculous. A bunch of control freaks. I had been wanting out after 6 months on the job, but too fearful to look elsewhere. I didn't want to just wind up in another job from hell. Because that seems to be my Mobius strip.
I'm a hard worker, a perfectionist (which is a downfall for me -- I used to think it was an asset), highly conscientious, and unfortunately detail-oriented (I hate details, but I seem to have a compulsion on the job to dot all i's and t's ... trying to control that which feels out of my control, I'm sure)
I don't see my way clear in any vocation as I feel unskilled and like a grunt. Not respected or valued. The more I do, the more people demand of me. Others are smart & figure out they can get paid the same & do a lot less for it. Meanwhile, I burn out. On the other hand, I can't seem to just take a meaningless job because I will feel even worse, so low and awful about myself. It's a bad place to be. I was raised with unrealistic expectations, told I was going to be the 1st female president of the United States, when my father was proud of me for something. When my father got frustrated with any of us, he'd shout, "What are you going to do with your life? Work at Burger King?!" (such shaming made these kind of jobs somehow "beneath" me -- not that they are, but it's an ingrained message, y'see?)
I have been out of work for 2 years. I am a loser. I am middle-aged & clueless. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, except I am grown up. And it isn't cute anymore.
I wish I could figure out my calling. I've tried self-help books, but I'm a Visual Learner ... meaning, I learn best when someone explains things to me, talking it out, showing me, rather than trying to decipher words from a book or website.
I am lost. Is this part of Codependency? My sister thinks I should try to go on disability, but I laugh because in my humble opinion, there's a lot of codependent people in the world. I doubt it would qualify as a true workman's disability. LoL.
Thanks for reading. Sorry I went on so long; I tried to edit -- but my thoroughness.... ah, you know what I mean.
Nothing that you are describing means that you are a "loser" but it is possible that you feel depressed. What has helped me while going through some work challenges is to take classes and also to become involved in organizations that help others in some way, but also that I enjoy doing.
There are so many volunteer opportunities for almost every talent that one might have.
You have to decide what interests you and no one can do that for you. I did get involved politically at the local level and I love it. It is not like what you describe. I have found, at the local level in my town, both parties have similar agendas and work together for the good of the town. I like learning about how local government works, the requirements, discussions, etc. I am not interested in pounding on doors, either, but I don't have to do that to be part of it.
It might be a Co thing that some of us are so good at helping, but not so great at promoting ourselves, but you could consider putting yourself outside of your comfort zone and just trying something new. When I did that, yes, I felt fear. I did not like going into a room of strangers, knowing no one. But once I did it, (felt fear and did it anyway), I met some really nice people and I actually look forward to these meetings.
When you are trying to contribute, I have found over time (not initially, especially in a conservative New England town), people do listen to my ideas these days. And I have learned some skills that I would not have, otherwise, such as editing web sites. If you check out organizations in your area, you should be able to find something, even just one thing, that you might enjoy. Baby steps. Go for it!
Shar
P.S. May I suggest that even if you are only somewhat interested, try it. There is no rule that says you have to go back or you have to do it forever. We are allowed to say "no, thanks" and even to change our minds, too! :-) (Took me a long time to learn some of this stuff.)
I know you hate being a secretary but dont be ashamed of that. I am embarressed to admit to this but i STILL work at McDonalds after 8 years. I did get a Bachelor's Degree but having a hard time finding work that will fit my schedule with my son.
Goodluck to you and im here if u wanna talk!
Yes, I am very depressed. That happens when I feel like a square peg being forced into a round hole, again and again.
It's hard for me to walk away from a job or volunteer opp once I've committed -- I experience a deep level of guilt. What the heck is that about !?! I need to work on that.
I did volunteer at the local library, letting them know I wished to use my skills of shelving and shelf-reading. At 1st, that's what they gave me, I was loving it. Then the power-struggle began.
The children's librarian I was helping began giving me her dirty work that she was too lazy to do. This included inventorying a full closet bursting with craft supplies. It was in disarray, boxes bursting, crap strewn on the floor, things shoved in the back. When she asked me to count every colored pompom & 1000s of pipe cleaners, I couldn't take it anymore. It felt like abuse. Some kind of passive-aggressive maneuver. Meanwhile, she sat in the back office, playing online games, stuffing her face with take-out delivery, and not doing anything work-related.
I am terrible with confrontation... didn't know what to say to her. "Excuse me, I really don't appreciate being abused? What's the point of this fruitless exercise in futility?" (Another volunteer told me that in all the years she's been there, no one has ever inventoried that closet (and questioned the rationale now).
I went to the Director to explain what I felt comfortable doing. The director was very supportive, reassuring me. But there's either a terrible lack of communication or the children's librarian decided to act obtuse, because the next time I came in, she gave me another inventory assignment instead. It felt very passive-aggressive.
Horrible to say, but my Mom got sick & went into crisis mode, so it gave me the perfect "out." I recently sent them a "resignation letter" to seal the deal. It softened the blow of my guilt. But I still feel guilt.
I will have to look into another kind of experience. I wish I could tolerate heat because I would love to be a canoe tour guide :) LOL
Thanks again for the advice and relaying your experiences.
I LOVE YOUR HONESTY SO MUCH! That was so well crafted, well written and well said. And I can relate on alot of different levels...including the extreme(s) in mixed messages received as a child.
It never occured to me until just now that the praise bestowed upon me, at times, "you are so bright, you are going to do great things in your life, you can be anything you want to be etc."...were
"unrealistic expectations". Wow that just hit me right between the eyes. Because yes, out of the otherside of family and teachers mouths was this constant berage of me 'never living up to my potential'. I was not one of those, 'I will prove you wrong people'.
I also was incredibly impressed with just how often you have 'put yourself out there' and Have repeatedly tried knew things in an effort to find yourself and what is in line with you. Again Wow! Including the self-help book(s) route. That latter part I too indulged in many years ago. I went through a phase in my 20's and 30's whereby I saturated myself. My mantra, at the time was that all the crap that I grew up with and than (no surprise) I put myself through in my teens and early 20's was Not going to be in vain! I was going to change me, reroute the legacy of my family and create and attach some purpose and meaning to all of that mess. Over the years as I learned, healed and emotionally and spiritually grew I felt real, authentic, lovable, perfectly imperfect with an immense amount of compassion for others. Fast forward to now (the last 2+ years) which has been the most pain and devastation that I have Ever gone through. I feel most like I have betrayed myself. Where did all of that knowledge and wisdom go?! Where did my support system go?(I actually know the facts of the answer to that question). I broke down so much after my 15 year relationship ended and lost everything that all those loving people said they didn't know what to do anymore.
I even find myself speaking to my therapist regularly about this..."I used to Know this, I Know, I learned and studied That years ago etc etc." Practically begging for something else that will help me, a word, a phrase an idea that will bring me back to me again as well as give me a Reason for hope again. Because even at my lowest points during my life, even when wanting to permanently end pain at times, I somehow never lost hope. There was always something new for me to learn or a timely phone call or some other representation of the universe and/or God working in my life. Now every action I take and conversation I have is so forced like walking through sludge. So I fully appreciate your notion about how exhausted it makes you to constantly internally redirect and 'reposition' yourself.
I also agree with the idea that you are more than likely depressed.
As I am accepting the same about myself. For the first time in my life I've become willing to seek pharmaceutical assistance(my expectations are low, I just want to stop sobbing everyday in between seeing clients and take the edge off :)) but I had to let my health ins. go two years ago and I fall into that gap of making just a hare(and I mean a hare) too much to qualify for state assistance and there's no way I can afford out of pocket. I keep praying that my therapist will take pity on me and allow me to pay on a sliding scale but she won't so I'm back to living on "freshman food", oodles of noodles and the like :) and cutting back even more in everyway possible.
So thank you again for taking the time to write this. I hear you and connect with a great deal of what you expressed.
Glad that you will consider doing something else, something that you really like, I hope. I think you did the right thing in going to the Director, and that is too bad, that it could not be worked out, but I think you did the best thing for yourself by leaving. The choices made by the Director and Children's Librarian lost them a good volunteer. Their loss, and their responsibility.
IMO there is no need to put guilt on yourself with this. I went through a really tough time with my volunteer opportunities a year and a half ago. I was so stressed out and felt so taken advantage of, I was ready to actually leave my church. I had been telling people that I was maxed out on work, but they kept sending more my way and worse, I was still taking it on even though I had said I could not (did not stand firm), and I actually felt bullied.
What happened was, after reading, praying, etc. I stuck up for myself at a meeting. And when one of the women was all ready to hand me another job, I told her that she had delegated enough jobs to me this year and that she should do it if it needed to be done. Believe me, it was very hard for me to do that, especially in a group setting. It was not smooth-it felt clumsy and awkward. My face was probably red, too.
I just keep practicing. I try to remember what Stephen Covey said in his book "First Things First". He said something like "Good is the enemy of best" and I try to remember that when I am declining a "good cause" or something like that. I do believe that we should choose, especially in our personal time, to do things that we love, not just like because someone else wants us to. And for a long time, what I did was subordinate my loves to everyone else's wishes. This long-winded writing is to encourage you to take chances and maybe let go of the belief that if you start an opportunity but don't like it, that you have to stick it out. I used to think that way, but now I am working on believing that I do not have to sacrifice myself to stay with something I do not like, especially in a volunteer position.
Real quick, I was recently asked to join a group. And I said I would think about it. I wanted to know what it entailed, how often they met, blah, blah. And then the man recruiting me (unpaid position of course, lol) said "Look, you can always resign. That's why we have quite a few openings. Several people resigned because they are too busy." LOL. And I thought to myself, okay, why do I think that I, Shar, MUST stick it out when others make choices in their own best interests? And I decided to let go of that belief. So now, I am reminding myself, if this is not good for me, no matter how good the cause, I have to move on.
Hugs,
Shar
You know, I did the whole self-help gamut, reading my Louise Hays, listening to my Enya & George Winston, Melody Beattie, all in the name of trying to find myself and heal my wounded places. Spent my 20s doing that intense work. Thought I was getting somewhere, too, and then found I wasn't going anywhere. Then I went on anti-depressants and lost my ability to feel much of anything for close to ten years. Halted my emotional growth, that little blue pill.
By the time I reached my mid-30s, I gave up on all self-help hootenanny and the little blue pill when my father was diagnosed with late-stage terminal cancer. After his death, I lived as a hermit, experiencing the "darkness of my soul" for 3 years (not as romantic as it sounds, believe me), exploring past-life regression, Omega institute gurus, reading reading reading. And again, came up empty. Without faith, without belief, without a sense of self. And completely isolated.
By the time I hit 40, I just about decided I knew more when I had been in my 20s. Thanks, BrokenBeenThere, for relating your brave story. Yes. Yes! YES! You're absolutely Right!
Mixed Messages Galore, too. Dad always said, "You can be whatever you want to be." Then the day of reckoning came, when I had my diploma in my hand, he turned to me and said, "So, what are you going to do about a job to pay the bills?" Because I had no guidance from my folks, I was absolutely clueless & lost. Panic attacks on my graduation day -- not pretty.
What I started to think about early this a.m. -- I began to visualize/hear my Dad's voice when he said these things to me. And I realized something really REALLY IMPORTANT. I don't think he meant to hurt me by those comments. In fact, I don't think he had a clue that the way he said these things had such an impact/bearing on me ! ! !
I think about how careless I am in my own words with others, how I don't give my words much weight or importance. How many people have internalized what I've said to them, altering their perception, perhaps shattering them, making them feel betrayed, hurt, angry, resentful?? Did I have any idea my words have that kind of weight?
Do I really want to lay that thick blanket on my father's door? Would I want it laid on my own? I can only be so "Impeccable with my Word" (to quote "The 4 Agreements").
As I didn't have the insight as a child to tell him how hurtful those mixed messages were, am I going to let that languaging destroy me forevermore NOW? Or can I make peace with him and forgive him for literally not knowing the impact of his words?
That's a huge realization...
Does it mean he's guileless and not culpable? Heck no. He said some pretty damaging stuff to me that really tore down my self-esteem over those vulnerable years. There's no way to take back calling your daughter an idiot or stupid every single day, teasing her for her "thunder thighs." But I realize, that as much as he verbally abused me and tried to control me via his words, some of it has lost its power. Simply because I don't think he understood the power he had over me. Especially when he'd express his pride, or his disappointment.
In those circumstances, I need to understand how I speak to others. I would feel awful if I said something flattering to someone, who then felt like it added to their "high expectation" pile of potential. I bet I have unwittingly done just that, too...
Thanks everyone! You've given me a lot to think about.
Start appreciating the qualities you have and what you are offering. If you are being a critic to yourself than the whole world would be a critic to you. Perspective is what that needs to change.. Look for positivity.
How about thinking wow i have been trying different areas even though not content i have at least tried to see if that fits with my interests.
Second - How about giving vacation to your critical parent that's talking to you in head ( it could be you dad ). When the critic talk happens say to yourself NO STOP i am a valuable person and i give to the community.. Positive self talk is important.
Looking into everything as Balck and white is wrong we codependents are good at it. So start looking other colors beyond black and white. :-)
Beating yourself for i am this and i am that would not resolve issues it will make you only feel worse..
Watch documentaries like what the bleep do we know or the secrets or The shift.. What you seek you get ..
So when the critics in my head are louder than usual, it's because they're still actively hammering me down. I do a lot of work to redirect & reposition myself daily.
What I was saying re. the jobs is that triggers are there, too. I guess I'm realizing that I have to find a way to "be okay with it."
Thanks for all your feedback.
PS: Yep, AlanaLove, that's the crossroads I'm now facing. Take a flying leap of faith in some direction & just say "screw it!" ;) THANKS!