I find myself doing the same shit when it comes to my dad, step-mom and now a sister that won't speak to me. I've texted my sister a couple times with no response in return. I've decided I have to leave it alone for a while...now just getting my mind to do that is the issue.

Yeah, I noticed the same thing when I stepped back a little from my family, and after a bit of time, I realised that I was so used to having the drama in my life that I was actually a little bit lost without it and like you, also had a desire to put myself back into it because it was what I was comfortable with.

I suggest resist, resist, resist and if you are feeling better without the drama, then keep going with keeping your distance. For me, it was a matter of breaking the pattern of getting back in there again. If I get myself back in there, then the same stuff happens. If I keep stepping back a little, then I feel better- I know which one I choose.

Do what is right for you and what is good for you, keep the focus on you and on what you need to do to get yourself through. They will get through the same way they always do, regardless of whether you are with them or not, they don't know any different.

I am so glad to hear that you have been feeling better. Keep taking care :)

The more I try to get involved or share my concerns (re. a very ill Mom), the more my sisters push me out of the loop and exclude me. At one point, they punished me by telling me my observations were no longer welcome. I had to grovel to get back into their good graces to be heard, to have voice in this family. But when they continued to exclude me from important conversations (re. Mom), I asserted that their exclusion has been MORE Painful to me, than the Pain of seeing my mother's deterioration. This did not endear them to me.

The thanks I got is that they have effectively stopped talking to me.

So, that's what I get for trying to reach out, to be a support to my very sick mother, to try to communicate with my sisters (who run the show re. my mother's ongoing needs).

The final insult was when Mom was in the hospital earlier this week, and the only 2 phone numbers she was given were my sisters.

When am I going to "get it?"

In the final analysis, the question is: Is it worth this grief? to put ourselves in harm's way as the family's whipping boy? If they don't want our involvement, they don't appreciate our concerns, then at some point we've got to get the "memo" and remove ourselves from the picture. We've got to protect ourselves from the abuse.

My problem is that I'm coming to realize that my whole sense of identity is tied up with these people. That I look to them, my abusers, for validation. Who am I without them? An empty shell.

It is so hard for me not to implode and just beat myself up, thinking there is something perpetually wrong with me that I keep getting rejected. That I must deserve this punishment and this exclusion. I must be defective. Even back in 1st grade, my classmates excluded me. Painful stuff, rejection.

And then I have to do all this work to step back and reclaim my power. And know that those people will always hammer me down, to make themselves feel better, to feel superior. That's the pattern. It is set. I cannot change it. I will just bloody my head against the proverbial brick wall I keep banging it against.

I've been given validation by my childhood friend recently, who saw this family in action. I've been given validation by my long-time therapist (with whom I no longer work). I've been given validation by my best friend of 30 years.

When am I going to start validating myself? Accept what they have been saying as truth?

Love can be an addiction. So can family.

I need to detox from them and not have contact with them. It is not spite. It is not immaturity. It is critical to my well-being.

I still get infuriated when I find out that Mom has been admitted to the hospital and they choose not to tell me until they "decide to do so." But I cannot control this either.

Some days I wonder if this is all a dream and I will wake up to find myself in a strait-jacket.

((hugs))