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Hi, just seeking some advice from someone who has been thru this:
I struggle with a number of issues including anxiety and CoD. I admit that often I am difficult to live with because of these problems but I am trying my best to understand and work through my problems
Today my husband of 20 years told me that he is going to give me a year to change and if I don't he will leave me. He wants me to be more loving, intimate and supporting of him, not unreasonable requests, BUT I struggle enormously with being myself around him, I always feel like I am never good enough and he constantly tells me how awful it is to be with me. I already feel like a worm in his eyes, nothing I do ever seems to make him happy and he frequently berates me and points out all my faults and tells me that I have ruined his life. In short, he wants me to change and be the wife he wants me to be and I know that I am not that person and may never be.
I grew up in a home where my mum always threatened to leave and I feel very insecure and emotionally knackered by what he said.
I tried to tell him that threatening to leave will not bring about any positive
change in me as I will feel even more anxious and less natural with him if I am under such pressure to change. I also told him that whilst I appreciate what he wants and would like me to be, berating me and giving me an ultimatum is not going to get him the outcome he desires, if anything it will just make me worse
His response was that I am the most selfish person he has ever met because I was just concerned about how I was feeling
So I can't talk to him about how I feel threatened, he wont hear it, he just insists that I am the cause of all our problems and that I need to get my act together.
Can anyone give me any advice, I feel sick and unable to change for the better whilst I feel so pressured
I struggle with a number of issues including anxiety and CoD. I admit that often I am difficult to live with because of these problems but I am trying my best to understand and work through my problems
Today my husband of 20 years told me that he is going to give me a year to change and if I don't he will leave me. He wants me to be more loving, intimate and supporting of him, not unreasonable requests, BUT I struggle enormously with being myself around him, I always feel like I am never good enough and he constantly tells me how awful it is to be with me. I already feel like a worm in his eyes, nothing I do ever seems to make him happy and he frequently berates me and points out all my faults and tells me that I have ruined his life. In short, he wants me to change and be the wife he wants me to be and I know that I am not that person and may never be.
I grew up in a home where my mum always threatened to leave and I feel very insecure and emotionally knackered by what he said.
I tried to tell him that threatening to leave will not bring about any positive
change in me as I will feel even more anxious and less natural with him if I am under such pressure to change. I also told him that whilst I appreciate what he wants and would like me to be, berating me and giving me an ultimatum is not going to get him the outcome he desires, if anything it will just make me worse
His response was that I am the most selfish person he has ever met because I was just concerned about how I was feeling
So I can't talk to him about how I feel threatened, he wont hear it, he just insists that I am the cause of all our problems and that I need to get my act together.
Can anyone give me any advice, I feel sick and unable to change for the better whilst I feel so pressured
If you truly believe you have issues to deal with, then please consider this as an opportunity. He must still love you and want to work things out or he wouldn't have given you a year to work on you. I know his ultimatum is harsh and that it only scares you when you're just craving his love and support, but try to be strong and focus on fixing you.
Look at it this way. When you ring in 2014, you could possibly find yourself alone. IF that were to happen, where would you want to be emotionally to be able to enjoy life on your own or with someone new. You have one year to worry and fret or one year to get counseling, join a support group, get healthier, etc. Try to set the worry aside and focus on the goal of being healthier and happier by this time next year.
RoseC2
First of all, you have acknowledged your need to change and that's good. But, you need to make positive changes in your life for YOU and not because of threats from your husband.
From what you have said, he says he gives you a year to change. You know this isn't realistic and most likely he does too. So, wouldn't it make sense that what he is actually saying is "I'm leaving in a year...". Hearing how belittling and non-supportive he is makes me wonder if him leaving, albeit a painful experience, wouldn't end up to be a better deal for you. If he is that abusive (and yes, what you have told us qualifies as abuse IMO), then I would render the guess that you are ALREADY pretty well alone EXCEPT for him.
I get how your fears of abandonment might be triggered by his comment, but I bet that HE does too.
I would put what he said to you on the back burner. You will never be able to pretzel yourself enough to make him stay and it wouldn't be "real" change anyway. Seek some counseling to see how you can improve yourself and your self esteem, both of which are very POSITIVE things for you whether your husband leaves or stays.
What do you have to lose? Whats going to happen will happen and the only thing you CAN do is work on yourself and get strong!
My now ex-husband wanted me to change, too. He had me thrown out of our home in October of 2011. You see, I have bipolar 2 disorder, and he used my hospitalizations and my journal against me. The worst judge in Georgia was presiding over the court.
Well, anyway, I have joint custody of my two girls. That is good.
I agree with ItTakesTwo.
LOVE,
m heathercliff
I have to agree with ItTakesTwo. Get a good code therapist and work on your issues. It will benefit you no matter what. This marriage doesn't sound healthy, so perhaps counseling will help you down the road if/when this marriage ends. It has worked wonders for me. Good luck.
I also agree with ItTakesTwo and Cheryl. A therapist to help you with yourself sounds like a good solution for you. And I think, under the circumstances that you describe, you may have to face the fact that your husband may leave you at the end of the year.
It takes two people to make a marriage work, so everything is not on your shoulders, alone. He could also be doing things to help the marriage, such as couples therapy, etc. Making threats or ultimatums are not effective ways of improving a marriage, IMO.
It is not reasonable to expect you to become a different person, either. Certainly, we can all improve, but your core being is what it is, and he is not supportive of you, if he is constantly telling you "how awful it is to be around you." His verbal abuse is doing nothing except helping to create a greater rift in the marriage.
I can understand that you feel ill about this, but it does not sound like you have been living in a very happy or supportive relationship, either. I hope you decide to work with a therapist for your own benefit, and with the expectation that things may not work out in your marriage.
Hugs,
Shar
I went through exactly the same thing last year. Last Feb when we were in Mexico having a drink and relaxing on the balcony my wife turns to me and says, "I love you but if you don't get your shit together,ie:make improvements" then we are done, you've got a year. So much for relaxing, right. I too have abandonment issues. In panic mode to 'fix' myself and keep her in the marriage with me I joined groups,Coda, relationship,etc thinking I had to do this to 'fix' things. Turns out it was the best thing I ever did as I discovered so much about myself and ended up stronger and with an ever improving self worth. Made many good friends along the way as well. This can be a really rewarding time of discovery and self improvement for you. In the end, as I improved and grew stronger and learned to like myself more life just got better and better, still some down times but that's life. Turned out my wife apologised profusely and has started doing work on herself. There is hope but really, it's all about you and how you feel.
hope this helps a little.
rick
What a great example arbe!! LOVED hearing your story and it was so applicable to this situation. WELL DONE.