There's a medium between the two extremes. I've found the best way to stop feeling responsible for others' feelings is by replacing negative/unskillful self-talk with positive/skillful self-talk. I remind myself constantly that my feelings about someone else's feelings is NOT going to do anything to change their feelings and especially not their situation.

My ideal is to be able to feel genuine compassion, only letting go of the fears and illogical thinking that has tainted my compassion in the past. I was expecting something for my compassion most of the time. Genuine compassion exists when you don't expect anything in return, good or bad. You can hug someone and tell them you're sad for their situation, but you don't have to feel bad when they don't cheer up or feel better because of your words. Let people feel their feelings; it's their right. Just like you've got to let yourself feel yours.

If your husband is expecting anything more than just a hug and a, "I'm so sorry you're going through this," then he needs to figure out ways to make himself feel better instead of making you feel it's your fault that he's not feeling well. Sometimes it's easier to look outside of ourselves at what's wrong with someone else than it is to just admit that we feel like crud right now and sit with that.

Where does it come from? Who made you feel this way as a child? Or is it an illusion that you have magical powers to control others feeling, reactions and perceptions about you. It could be either or both.

Control is an illusion. Boundaries are needed. You are only responsible for you. You cannot control someone elses feelings. You can be unkind and hurt someone, but that is different.

First step, try to determine where this really originated for you. Then establish boundaries between the two of you. Thats accomplished by getting to know yourself. Who are you? What do you want? And finally accept responsibility for yourself only. Allow others to be who they are (problems and all). The detachment will occur naturally.

Mmmm... Sounds logical to me but my husband thinks that boundaries are from the devil and that relationships should be completely unconditional, no holds barred. Can't say I agree but it does pose a problem if I ever suggest we set some ground rules or principles for relating. Compromise is not in his vocabulary, I don't quite understand how his idea works , for me it seems like opening myself up for a world of pain and anxiety because I never know what is likely to come out of his mouth. He can't understand my perspective that boundaries can give a sense of safety and security.

Maybe its his way of trying to make you feel guilty for detaching. Do YOU feel Cold and Uncaring? And if you DO, then maybe you SHOULD be feeling cold and uncaring. Perhaps as you mature in your Detachment you will feel less cold and uncaring.

I really dont have an answer. I have my own detachment issues... I dont know how to simply detach, never-mind detaching with coldness! lol ..

What I do know from loving my own husband and others with addiction is that when we start to stand up for ourselves, or give up trying to get them to see it our way, they tend to get more abusive. ... so maybe he's in panic mode, or maybe you are cold and uncaring, but perhaps its okay for you to be selfish right now.

Hope I've been of some help