sounds code. you are in a good place. you are taking on his feelings and dont know how you even feel about things cause you are taking on his feelings. if you dont fix yourself you are likley to end up in another relationship of this type if you leave this one.read- code no more and many other good books are avaliable. there are so many good comments on this site that will help you and you can post your feeling here in a safe place.

u can never make someone else happy if you lose yourself. losing your sense of self is the worst feeling in the world Ive struggled with it myself. you dont know who you are anymore, you dont know what makes YOU happy. let me ask u, do u find yourself bored when things are going ok in your relationship??...serious question.

Can't say I ever feel bored. When things seem to be going ok to me ie.no fights or nastiness, I feel ok but always a bit anxious because I know it won't last. My husband gets more and more frustrated because we are not relating on a deep level, just about day to day stuff. Eventually his frustration comes out, he tells me how crap our
marriage is,how frustrating it is to be married to me etc. I feel like crap, we get on with life and the pattern repeats itself every few weeks. We are both beginning to recognize how we relate together in unhealthy ways but it is hard going and I am suffering a great deal of anxiety over it all.

yea see with me, I feel bored and I could never figure out why when the fighting would stop for awhile why I would be so bored. then the other day I realized it was because my mind is always so wrapped up in worrying about what Im doing wrong and how I can "help" the person Im with I never take time to think about myself. Id get bored because Ive forgotten myself and forgotten what I like to do, and how to make myself happy. I was always so consumed by trying to fix things that I never took the time to realize it was something I didnt want anymore..

I can identify with the pain in your words; you're posting in the right place!

You sound as if you've done some thinking about this and have realized the enmeshment you're in. It's great that you've taken a huge step and reached out. You might also feel that reaching out to others is a sort of betrayal of your husband so I want to assure you that it's not. It's up to each of us to take care of ourselves in a healthy way, whatever that looks like.

I was able to overcome the enmeshment I was in with my husband and still remain married. As Sienna222 mentioned, leaving is not the answer and that is because staying is not the problem. Our thinking gets off kilter and then we don't know what is true anymore--we just take that thinking with us when we go.

I urge you to find a support group such as CODA, or Al-Anon if alcohol is involved. Surroung yourself with people who understand this--it probably won't be your friends or your family at this time. Hearing a healthy way of thinking is vital to creating a change in your own life. We don't know what we don't know.

Take a deep breath. Read the book "Co-Dependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Another is "The Dance of Anger" by Dr. Harriet Lerner. And you WILL overcome this. We got sick a day at a time and we also get well a day at a time. Try not to project your thoughts into the future but focus on what you need to do for yourself just today only. It's not self-ish, it's self-care.

No one can do this perfectly so don't even try. This will be a lifelong process but you'll soon see joy return to your life. Treat yourself like you treat your friends, with forgiveness, patience and compassion. Keep coming back to post your progress here--we're pulling for you!

And remember that it WILL be ok in the end--if it's NOT ok, then it's NOT the END!

Pam T

I started by taking small steps. I began to understand my husbands feelings or my sisters feelings were not mine. I then began to explore mine. Yes it is scary, but also okay. I gave myself validation and convinced myself it would stop the physical pain I was feeling by taking on other people's problems. Step by step I began to explored my own feelings and began to trust myself to do what was right for me. Small steps, only way to do it. When you set up your boundaries, your husand will learn to respect them and adjust. Or he will move on. You will know you are being true to yourself.

Thanx everyone for your insightful comments.It is such a relief to know that I am not alone in having these difficulties, nor am I crazy or insane, though often it feels like it. You are right, Double Winner, I did feel guilty the minute I posted my comment, like I was betraying my husband. I feel a bit sneaky because I have not told him about this forum. I mentioned a while back that I might join one and he said I should be talking to him, not to strangers. Seeing I am so enmeshed with him I feel I really need outside input.
Cratda, your comments were spot on. I feel at a loss to know what to do with myself when my husband is around, I have lost interest in all the hobbies I used to enjoy because I so caught up in what he is doing/ feeling. I need to find my self and my interests again.
Sienna222, you are so right, leaving won't solve anything. I want the victory in my circumstances, that is true freedom.
Thanx, Idahomom2, small steps are definitely the only way to go.
Love to all

PossomLady..I have lost myself as well. This month marks one year that I have been separated from my husband. I have gotten involved with a narcissistic since then, I have completely lost myself and who I am, because I am constantly concerned with what he is thinking and feeling about me. He is keeping me at arms length on his string so to speak. It is wearing me down. I was sick for a solid month. In and out of the hospital and all they could diagnose me with was anxiety and depression. Even though I wasn't recognizing that I was depressed over this, I am recognizing more now what is going on here. He keeps tabs on me and is always paranoid about what I am doing and where I am at. Being the co-dependent that I am, there is part of me, I guess at first, that liked having someone checking up on me. It made me feel like someone actually cared. But the relationship is no progressing forward. Oh, its a mess. I am not sure what to do. I have it set in my head that I can't go without talking to him. But I know I am in a toxic relationship. I'm stuck with you possomlady.

You posted that: "I mentioned a while back that I might join one and he said I should be talking to him, not to strangers"

The reason he says this is because he wants to 'control' YOUR situation and feelings. You have every right to vent and to seek out friendship with people who are at first strangers, but who become friends and support.

Keep talking and care about what you feel is right for you, not what he feels is right for you.

:)