I remember as a small child always having this big need for attention. There were three other kids in my family, me being the youngest and the next youngest one was about ten years older than me I often just caused a fuss just for some attention. My parents weren't ones to show affection, and I never heard of emotions until I got to treatment in my later years. At school i felt scared a lot by other kids, and later learned that you needed to fight, or people would just pick on you. as a small child i always seemed to have this sadness with me, but if I showed it or cried my father would call me a baby. I always seemed to be getting in trouble for something. Teachers at school , that I really liked would end up kicking me out of the class, and I spent a lot of time in the principals office. As I grew older, this sadness seemed to grow too, but I felt I could never tell anyone or show it. I remember always wishing I could be with other families, and I would cry walking home sometimes. Looking back now, I'm sure all I ever wanted was to be loved, but i grew up thinking that was a sissy thing, and you never told anyone that. when I first drank around ten, or eleven, all that sadness seemed to go away. I could laugh, and have fun. Drinking became a regular thing with my friends in my early teens, and soft drugs came into my life. i felt I could be anything I wanted, and not feel that sadness, but it grew, as with the drinking and drugs. Sober, I didn't feel right. Only way I felt right was when I was high, or drinking. I never wanted life to change, but it did when my brother died at 34 suddenly. I was angry, but harder drugs and drinking felt better, but I was getting in trouble with the law regularly. I got married thinking that would make me happy. The day after our marriage, my mother died. I went harder into drinking, and drugs just to feel somewhat good. Around my wife, I devoloped a lot of problems because of the drinking. I was depressed, angry, confused, and so sad I wanted to die most of the time, but I didn't know nothing about emotions, so I played everything out like in a movie or something. Tried suicide once, but thought of it constantly. I tried my best to be a good husband, but it wasn't going to be that way, and I lost my wife and kids. Lost a lot over the years, and it hasn't been easy at all. In recovery I got to experiance a year clean one time, and it was the best I had in most of my life. I had many relapses, but that year clean kept me comming back to recovery. In recovery I was able to find that love that I was missing. Helped me to find God, who allows me to love others now. With the meetings that I have now, people that are comming into my life lately, and a lot of good people on D.S. I feel I'm having that love that I always wanted. Today I'm not sad at all. I don't have any of my family around, but I'm finding a much bigger family in recovery. Recovery is about learning, growing, and finding that love to fill that empty hole we seem to have. I am finding it. Thank you, Lord.