Hi, there. I'm not a recovering addict, but a spouse (who just recently filed for a divorce and kicked him out) who's learned much along the way. Please take a look at these short papers - even with all of the research along the way, these have been nothing short of brilliant and answer a heck of a lot.

You will find this link absolutely invaluable in having this question answered and the comments (from current and recovering addicts as well as those around them) are incredibly telling: http://chosenfast.com/2007/06/12/the-7-stages-of-crack-cocaine-use/

Also - these short articles are incredibly helpful:
http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/Addiction_Lies_Rel.html
http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/Getting_Away_Addiction.html
http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/addicts_dilemna.html
http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/Why_Recovery_Hard.html
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2591677/narcotics_addiction_and_manipulation.html
http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-codependency.htm

I am grateful that you came to this forum. It made an enormous difference to me when I felt utterly lost. Yes, there are many of us going through similar situations though for different times and from different socioeconomic backgrounds. You are not alone but it is but a start of your healing. :)

I have been clean from crack/cocaine since late 2005.Today I have a great life and am a licensed chemical dependency counselor.
Being on the drug is the worst hell imaginable- and it completely consumes you. I never thought I would become the machine the drug made me- I sold things, stole, lied- it was disgusting and sadly I justified it all. I hated it but i just could not stop. I would be motivated to quit and it would hit me out of nowhere- once a crack user is on a mission to use- nothing will stop them.
The only way I stopped was by moving away for a while and cutting ties with those people I used with. It was hard- and it took many attempts before it stuck. I wish you allot of patience and hope things get better.

Devastated1965-Thanks for all the links. Tonight I'm going to read through them when the kids go to bed. I'm really grateful for this forum. I still haven't attended any meetings, but this has been great for me since I have kids. I really do appreciate all the info!
Recoverydefender- Congrats on the turnaround you've done in your life. It is what I hope for everyday for Ben. He does seem like a machine. That is a great example. He is completely under the control of his addiction. It is consuming him. I appreciate your responses. It helps to be here and communicating with others.

Hey there! I assume that by now your boys are fast asleep and you are digging in to the articles. I assume that you (like I did) will re-read them time and time again. In fact, I wanted to share with you that I am re-reading them once again after a surreal and painful evening. Specifically, I am focusing on one about letting loved one go no matter how painful it is. You see, my husband was released from prison after a brief sting on a parole violation from the summer of 2009 for crack posession. While he was 'in' I took this brief window of opportunity to file for divorce because I realized that there was no other option and it was a rare opportunity to do it relatively safely. He (God knows how this worked out) agreed to let me have our house while we are separated, in exchange for a big chunk of the marital funds. He made it clear that he plans to demand that it be sold, but for now - I'm here, safe and alone. Heis weak and facing the reality alone with out a place to sleep of his next binge, bully me or take his time getting help, but hardly destitute with funds to burn should he choose to do it. He's read many drug addiction books I sent to prison and even claimed not to crave any more (see the 7 stages of crack addiction) and said all the standard addict in denial things. He was released on July 13th with no place to go and a pile of health problems (most a result of his drug use) which require care and may delay his ability to get into rehab, though still on my insurance. Even those who knew the horrible situation from (nearly) day one for almost two years now still asked - where will he go? what will he do? It was not a dis against me and it was a natural question, but I literally felt a searing pain in my heart each time it came up. He needs to be in detox and then rehab and then a few surgeries taken of, all this while dealing with the inevitability of this divorce. Yes, it's horrible but I still better at night (now 4-5 hours) with the knowledge that if I did not take this drastic step I was heading to self distruction. Luckily, his daughter is now 18, has been in therapy for nearly a year to deal with her pain over his addiction and has not seen him in nearly two. He's told anyone who would listen that he plans to destroy and humilate me, as if his crack addiction and all it brought on us and our families was not enough - I am the reason he became an alcoolic, a drug addict and was arrested. It is I who brought on his misfortune. all of the grief on myself, and he will destroy me because I am a lousy wife. I handed a bag of belongings through his temp lawyer two weeks ago, full of everything he may need - still thinking of what he may want or need, even though he would not acknowledge it. He finally reappeared on emai (last Friday) and asked for his birth certificate and some other papers so he may find a place to rent. With my lawyer's blessing I replied that I found them and offered to send it to him. Then, I got a call from his bank on Sunday with a warning that he took out a lot of money. At this point, he's been clean for nearly three months but just because he was in the medical wing of the prison. I hoped it was to get $$ for a week-long hotel rental but my gut told me otherwise. Yesterday, he wrote asking for a small bag of other clothes and that he was trying to get a spot to a local detox (our county's well off and has very good tax paid resources for addicts who want to get help). I sensed he was desperate to get in and feared that it was prompted by last week-end's (suspected) relapse and the fact that he cannot get into a rehab with out that step. (Last year he walked out in 3 days, but may be desperate to do it rightths time). Today he wrote that he didn't get a spot yet and is on a waiting list but wanted to get the bag, which was left outside for him. When I got home he called to say he was on the way and sounded broken, but his voice - as he sounded eight years ago, soft, kind, raspy and gentle, choked up several times - not at all like the vile monster he gradually became over the previous four years with drugs in the last two. This was the first time I could potentially see him in over four months - and we are not to have face to face contact. He can not come into the house per court order. So, I put things outside and waited inside with the lights off, waiting for him to show up and exchange the rolling duffle he said was just too heavy for him to carry. In the last year and a half, I've seen him look close to death, with gangrene around huge absess from shooting up with dirty needles. I've seen him rage like some ghetto banger speaking in bizarro voices (there were 5 personalities) and threaten me or just rave about insects crawling under his skin. It was easier to be 'ok' and to feel angry. Tonight, just two hours ago, I briefly saw a broken and emaciated man who looks nothing like he was just in 2006 (see my pics) and he was barely sitting up on his own or even in his most dismal state in the last year and a half. He was meek, pathetic and desperate. He came up to the door and meekly asked if he could at least come in and use the bathroom and I had to say no, you know that I can not do that, we should not even be speaking. Ok, he said, and went back to the bench, took just a couple of small things in a backpack,, called for a cab and another call to the detox and then he was gone. I called my parents in another state, and could barely explain mysel because I was sobbing so hard. I knew what I had to do. I knew that I had no choice and am now acting on the best advice from the many books, articles and my lawyer and yet it hurts as much today as it did when I first realized that the man I thougtht may have become schitzophrenic was actually on drugs and in deep and I was completely over my head and petrified. What I've learned along this awful journey is that as bad as it is when there is anger to keep us going, sometimes the pain becomes unbearable when the person we face is broken, desperate and spiraling down and out. We feel things they are not able or will not allow themselves to feel and thus, the crazy co-dependent dance - an addict, the prime narcissist, relies on others' behavior that he/she is not able to replicate unless he/she sees a desirable short-term outcome. We, however, love them and respond from the gut - as people who genuinely love them and are not brain damaged. Even my darling father who loved him so much and knowing all of the facts tonight said, 'isn't there some neutral third party who may at least drive him to detox or to a safe place?' to which we already knew answer. My parents and I sat on the phone and grieved for this tragedy all over again like a scap just got ripped off. Sadly - no, there is no one who may or (!!!) should help him and that is what we must accept. I got it out, it took me an hour and I pulled it together but now I can barely move my fingers and came to DS to share my astonishment at my own reaction and just how anxious I was while I waited for him to appear. Had I not been prepared, my impulse would have been to feed him some decent food (even by just leaving it outside) and let him use the bathroom, even though it would have been against the court order hard won by my wonderful lawyer, for my savety. Today, I realized that I could have become my own worst enemy even knowing all that I've learned. In cases of dealing with an untreated addict we still love it is not an option. His post (2) near fatal OD events in the Fall '09 and the complications may have delayed his rehab stint, but he ignored all of the other resources at his disposal to get him through that tiem and let his rage toward me grow even though I took care of everything and he largely depended on me for food, doc appts, you name it. He relapsed in March and, by the grace of GOD, was caught and then sentenced based entirely on his own words at sentencing. I hope that he makes it into the detox this week. Tonight, there was a resigned panic in his voice and eyes and I pray that it is not temporary but will stay long enough to get him there. Until hedoes, he's functioning on borrowed time and his post fix cravings are working against this time line. This is a race he needs to win on his own. I am sharing this with you becuase you are just starting on this journey and every little bit of others' experience helps. This is why I re-read these articles nearly daily - they prevent me from diminishing my memories and keep me focused a few hours at a time. How counter intuitive it is to read over and over that the best/greatest thing we may do for him (and yourself and your children) is to let him go and put all your efforts to securing a more stable future for yourself and your children.

If you send your address to me, I will be happy to purchase the codependent book for you. It is the right thing to do, my pleasure and it is something which will help you understand how our nurturing instincts are working against us in these inexplicable situations. Knowledge is power, but as anyone who embarks on this learning journey to get full benefit (and survive with the fewest scars) we have open our minds, keep faith in the wealth of collective experience of DS users (and others) and accept that we may not like everything we hear but must consider the merit nonetheless. That is just how it is. Co-dependence is a life long recovery just like a drug addiction and we may re-lapse or stray, but as long as we move forward, it is all good. I am confident that you will succeed. Take care!

Devastated1965-Thank you for your reply to my post. I can't believe how raw I'm feeling. I actually got the book at the library the other day. It is by my bed. I very much appreciate the offer to buy me one, but I can use the one at the library. It is amazing to hear everyone else's story. Yours was perfect timing too. Ben showed up tonight and asked me to take a shower. I let him, but told him he had to leave right after. He stole the $20 he gave me earlier and then called saying he's probably going to kill himself anyway. The articles are great so far. I really needed those! I just completely feel like I'm dying inside as I watch Ben disappear amid his addiction. It's like watching someone catch on fire and not being able to help douse the flames. I can't imagine what I would do if he did OD or kill himself. I would be destroyed forever with guilt and questions about what I might have done differently. Your response was great, and I really needed to be reminded about letting him go. Thanks again for taking the time to share your story--the connections are profound.

Well, what can I say? I aim to please! :) Seriously, as I said in the other post - we whose loved ones are on a path of self destruction, react in very predictable ways too. We love, we want to protect, we focus on the one person who is the most disruptive and tend to forget ourselves and others who seem to be holding it together better. This is a unique opportunity to re-focus your energies and this permanent change will not happen overnight. Perhaps, one day in the near future you will be able to say, 'No, Ben, if you are not going to be a partner or a father, then you can not take a shower. We are your family, not a hotel'. You may get a barrage of profanities, but you will save a piece of your dignity. Give it time. :) Get some rest now. The old me would have seen my meltdown and a major setback and dwelled on my grief overnight and days. The new me, just a year later, acknowledged the burn, let it out, pushed back the guilt and shame and went on with the rest of my night. One day at a time. Cheers!

I too have a renewed sense of knowing I did the right thing by leaving !! I rarely came to this support group but I really believe that my ex who just got out of prison is using again. He took everything from US as a couple with his addiction to crack. And when I say everything I mean everything ! I hope everyone affected by this evil thing called crack will get some peace in their hearts today ! Hugs, Deb

Also, thought that I sent this link but if I have not - http://chosenfast.com/2007/06/12/the-7-stages-of-crack-cocaine-use/ Unbelievable in its accuracy. I suspect that you'll recognize many behaviors. Hang in there, you are taking monumental steps alerady and I sensed that our silence about our situations and feeling isolated, alone and helpless is something that the user instinctively uses to his (or her) advantage. We cover up and keep things private because of the shame but all it does is lets the addict keep doing his/her bit uninterrupted. Beyond the behavior described above, you need not concern yourself with anything else but your own 'business'. As I learned, reaserching and getting to the root of my husband's addiction did nothing but set the compass. After that, 'what now' was this enormous question - and that's what needs to be done next. Keep reading and talking, it will ground you. Keep a journal here or elsewhere (private entries are good), but keep one - it's a big step, a scary one because when you write to yourself you can't sugarcoat it. You and all of us who came here have made greater progresss than those who continue to suffer in silence. :)

Suffering in silence is a mental killer! I did it for so long. I'm so lovin' this site. Breaking the silence and coming out of hiding has already done wonders for me. I also have started telling me family that I don't want to talk about Ben with them--most of them are negative and I can't handle anyone else's opinions if they are slanted to be negative right now. I'm also not a hopeless optimist though. Thanks so much for the links. I read through them; you were right, they are so helpful. I'm going to reread them tonight and maybe even print some of it up for Ben tomorrow. I wish Ben was a reader. He hates to read, so it can be hard to get him into this information. He hates to read anything though, even the sports page. We'll see. I'm optimistic, but realistic as well.

Woman! On one hand, I'm stoked that you are digging in. But for a second (do not get upset with me here, because it is tough love), listen to yourself - you already want Ben to read something. He will not. He is not ready. He will recoil, accuse you of trying to control him and take out his resentment on you even more. He is not ready to accept help - remember the tossed phone numbe list? Stop. Read read read....absorb absorb absorb daily, like affirmations. Your #1 job is to work on yourself. Ben is in no condition to 'get' any of this and is not ready and this may drive him further away. You are getting some value because you are open to this knowledge, are vested in your (and his recovery) and are seeing things clearly. He functions in a fog. At least one of the great essays talks about it. If it makes you feel better - print them out and leave them in the open, but realize that this will only be a temporary fix for you becuase the next thing which will happen is that your (the sober, clean, hopeful) person's feelings will be hurt. Here you are, offering him a buffet of amazing knowledge, but yet he rejects it. What gives? Well, that's the nature of the disease. As a compromise, print out the 7 stages of crack use, leave the rest out. You desperately want him to respond, to appreciate your effort and take your hand and let you show him the way out. This is bigger that this and not how it works. Your intentions with getting this info to him are wonderful and motivated by the best of impulses, but it is at the moment a dead end. Every small bit of your limited emotional and financial resources are to be used for the maximum impact and (let us agree on this) it is YOU! I'm not negative and am writing this with a kind smile on my face because I totally get where you are coming from - just realistic and want to prevent you from inevitable diappointment. So many of us have been there. The outcome of Ben's recovery depends entirely on his own impulse. Period. The BEST thing you can do(for both of you) is work on your own survival through this and you are already doing all the right things. There is no shame in what he's done to your family because you did not cause it. It is so hard, but focus on your task at hand - You and your boys. Huge hug! One day at a time. One post at a time. Just think, you don't have just one lifeine - but many. How natural it is to want to share some new discovery or revelation with the one you love, but when that person is one of the big issues, then the it's a whole other thing. That's what I now call 'the ichy paradox'. Tough love works both ways - and is probably harder for 'sane' people dishing it out than for the addicts. Your desire to share your findings is 1. NORMAL and 2. MOTIVATED BY LOVE. This, however, has nothing to do with how he takes it and what lies ahead. Stay the course woman, we won't let your fail.

Devastated1965--I'm so needing tough love right now! I appreciate it all because I'm just learning to navigate these waters. But, I didn't write it in this discussion area, however, Ben went to the E.R. last night seeking help for suicidal thoughts, depression and anxiety and tried to get them to help with his addiction. He is in the psych ward tonight at an area hospital. He says he really wants help. Granted he has said this before and didn't give the meetings his all, but I meant that I was going to print it out and take it to him tomorrow. The doctors, psychiatrist, and social worker are trying to find residential treatment program for him to go to tomorrow. I found one that has a bed and will take him tomorrow, but I just found out about it so Ben doesn't even know yet. He was devastated earlier in the evening with the Dr. told him that unfortunately there aren't many options for him due to the county he lives in and his insurance. I explained that his address in 1999 Ford Explorer, but nothing seemed to matter. They just said resources are very limited because of budget cuts and it was all too likely he would be discharged tomorrow with no place to go for residential treatment. I'm hopeful, but realistic for tomorrow. By the way, I read my Codependency book in the waiting room and his room so I would be sure to keep my focus and responses on me rather than him. When the psychiatrist came in, I had to really focus so I didn't speak for him or share my thoughts. This was Ben's time, and this site and you wonderful people have already taught me the importance of working on me and letting Ben deal with Ben. It was hard though. Especially now that I'm getting a better idea what codependency has done to me. It was difficult to shut up and not advise and guide and preach. It's what I've done for so long. Today I listened and made a few suggestions when asked, but otherwise I was just there for him to know I'm supportive, but not a doormat.

Excellent update. Just a few hours at a time, that's all you may ask of yourself. It's overwhelming but you are making great strides under the most awful circumstances. (Then again, if things were rosy you would not be here). Much to do, that's for sure. Now, get some rest! I love your address description, so true. Used something similar last August. See, you haven't lost your sense of humor completely. :)

Yeah! I found Ben two places that he can go! One costs $408 per month with everything included and it is local. The other is free with everything included, but a bit further away. Not that I'm worried about the distance. I wouldn't mind if he went out of state at this point. I just need to find out which one he wants, and I don't know much about either. I'm going to pack his bag, pictures of the kids, and any and all other necessities and then pick him up at the hospital and take him to the door of the treatment center. No options of going home for a little while or going to grab a bite to eat or see the kids or anything. If he refuses after having all night and morning to rethink going for treatment, I'm going to leave him at the hospital. I won't even give him a ride to his truck. Here's hoping for a positive day where he wants to try to make a change. I'm still realistic. This is his second real attempt at getting better, so I know this may just be the honeymoon phase. But now, I'm starting to focus more on me and the kids. It will be immensely easier on me to start the process of rebuilding myself if Ben is safe in a treatment program somewhere. Even if he doesn't succeed, it will still be easier to swing the gate my way during these initial days and weeks as I tread these very murky waters of my reaction to someone else's addiction.

OMG Dev, You and me both on post #9 !!! I just stopped right there, so now I'm going back to read the other posts. See its been 4 years for me and I still have to know about this addiction ! To Kim, Sweetie, You are on the right path I think. Just remember that you cannot change him. Even if it is something as simple as reading something ! Be Strong, Deb

kimberly, I would suggest you find a naranon meeting. We can all tell you what it is like to be a addict. It doesn't matter what your drug of choice is. It matters that you are not available to the one's who love you while in the throws of addiction. When your husband is in the throws of addiction, he sells his/ your belongings because he needs to find ways and means to get more! you can not understand it because you are not an addict.

I would suggest you find help for yourself. Your husband or you should not subject your children to his disease. I understand this maybe hard for you, but you need to be centered on yourself, and your children. If you are a praying person, or believer in God Pray for your family, and your husband. But be very careful, because you can join him in his disease if you are not careful, they child protective services will be taking your children.

May you find help.

Connecticut