Cleft Lip / Palate Support Group
Cleft is a congenital deformity caused by a failure in facial development during gestation. It can be treated with surgery shortly after birth with highly successful results. Cleft occurs in somewhere between one in 600 and one in 800 births. Cleft occurs in several severities and is divided in two major categories: cleft lip and cleft palate.
Hi, folks. It's been a long time since I've been active on the forum, but I wanted to drop a hello. I guess to some extent I've been getting my cleft community "fix" from volunteering at the children's hospital here. There've been a lot of positive moments and I definitely recommend it. Now I'm the guy who takes pictures for the records and hands out stuffed animals. It's great to see how much the siblings and parents care and how every family is different. (of course, I wouldn't know what the no-show families are like.) The nurses say that often mothers tell them after their baby's operation that they have to get used to loving their child's face all over again.
My life is pretty much the same. I have a car now but still not much of a social life outside work. I'm 65% sure I want to go back to school for a degree in Civil or Environmental Engineering and lately I've been teetering on the brink of submitting a request to get out of the military a year or so early. I still have depression and find it difficult, to say the least, to be productive or involved on my days off.
I was having some thoughts a while ago that were pretty interesting to me and wanted to share. I was reading some Yahoo Answers question from a cleftee guy looking for feedback on his chances in the dating sphere. The best-voted answer was that looks aren't everything and that "as long as you don't define yourself by it, you'll do fine. If you don't make a big deal out of it, it won't be." I think a lot of "normals" would probably agree with this. And it makes sense cause you would be relieving their anxiety about how to deal with it.
I have mixed feelings about it, myself. The fact is my cleft HAS been a big influence on me, the medical side, the insecurity and the social taboo which allows little latitude to discuss it without sounding like a victim. I've found for myself that cleft lip and palate can be seen as an inspiring, even sacred symbol of adaptation and the human spirit / condition, but just because I am able to see it in a positive light doesn't mean the awkwardness taboo doesn't still work against it. So I'm still left resentful of the social situation, except now I have an actual idea of what would be better left uncensored.
And through all this I'm still holding onto it as part of my self-identity. Whether I define it or it defines me, the amount of thought and attention I give to it is what really determines how much of my identity it makes up.
I wrote in my quasi-manifesto, the Phantom of the Social Opera article / essay, that the common reactions of pity or scorn to cleft palate "both deny my ability to find meaning in my experience, which is what it means to turn weakness into strength." The concept of finding meaning came from Viktor Frankl and secondhand through Stephen Covey, also phrased as "between the stimulus and the response, there is a space in which man has the ability to choose his response."
So, I wonder, if I can choose my response to the stimulus of having a cleft, if I can "find meaning" in it and turn it from weakness into strength, does it really need to go from one big weakness into one big strength? Couldn't I also choose to change it into a bunch of smaller strengths?
Part of me will always identify with having a cleft. But, I realize, that doesn't have to be the part that I bring to bear front and center when I interact with other people. I can imagine myself adopting the persona of coworker, friend, artist, bachelor for those roles and those alone. The cleft would be just an accent, then. If it comes up respectfully, I can shift gears and share some of my feelings about it as appropriate. If disrespectfully, well, it's entirely possible to be keep your bearing and be the one laughing at THEM for being so depraved.
As for the part of me that identifies with it, there are socially receptive avenues of getting my voice heard. I think art and fiction have a lot of potential, and writing, especially, I guess. Maybe I should just take all the material I can think of right and start trying to get a book together. I sure could use a project like that.
My life is pretty much the same. I have a car now but still not much of a social life outside work. I'm 65% sure I want to go back to school for a degree in Civil or Environmental Engineering and lately I've been teetering on the brink of submitting a request to get out of the military a year or so early. I still have depression and find it difficult, to say the least, to be productive or involved on my days off.
I was having some thoughts a while ago that were pretty interesting to me and wanted to share. I was reading some Yahoo Answers question from a cleftee guy looking for feedback on his chances in the dating sphere. The best-voted answer was that looks aren't everything and that "as long as you don't define yourself by it, you'll do fine. If you don't make a big deal out of it, it won't be." I think a lot of "normals" would probably agree with this. And it makes sense cause you would be relieving their anxiety about how to deal with it.
I have mixed feelings about it, myself. The fact is my cleft HAS been a big influence on me, the medical side, the insecurity and the social taboo which allows little latitude to discuss it without sounding like a victim. I've found for myself that cleft lip and palate can be seen as an inspiring, even sacred symbol of adaptation and the human spirit / condition, but just because I am able to see it in a positive light doesn't mean the awkwardness taboo doesn't still work against it. So I'm still left resentful of the social situation, except now I have an actual idea of what would be better left uncensored.
And through all this I'm still holding onto it as part of my self-identity. Whether I define it or it defines me, the amount of thought and attention I give to it is what really determines how much of my identity it makes up.
I wrote in my quasi-manifesto, the Phantom of the Social Opera article / essay, that the common reactions of pity or scorn to cleft palate "both deny my ability to find meaning in my experience, which is what it means to turn weakness into strength." The concept of finding meaning came from Viktor Frankl and secondhand through Stephen Covey, also phrased as "between the stimulus and the response, there is a space in which man has the ability to choose his response."
So, I wonder, if I can choose my response to the stimulus of having a cleft, if I can "find meaning" in it and turn it from weakness into strength, does it really need to go from one big weakness into one big strength? Couldn't I also choose to change it into a bunch of smaller strengths?
Part of me will always identify with having a cleft. But, I realize, that doesn't have to be the part that I bring to bear front and center when I interact with other people. I can imagine myself adopting the persona of coworker, friend, artist, bachelor for those roles and those alone. The cleft would be just an accent, then. If it comes up respectfully, I can shift gears and share some of my feelings about it as appropriate. If disrespectfully, well, it's entirely possible to be keep your bearing and be the one laughing at THEM for being so depraved.
As for the part of me that identifies with it, there are socially receptive avenues of getting my voice heard. I think art and fiction have a lot of potential, and writing, especially, I guess. Maybe I should just take all the material I can think of right and start trying to get a book together. I sure could use a project like that.
The volunteer work sounds really good. There's something about giving back that does wonders for the soul. Plus I would think that it would empower you even that much more around your cleft.
I agree with you about making the cleft a strength. And even more so about coming to the point where it almost fades into the background, only becoming important when you wish it to be so. As when you want to reach out in your volunteer work, etc.
I have found that when I concentrate on being the person I want to be, (ie. kind, giving, honest, etc) my cleft does recede. Who I am then becomes foremost and is what others react to.
As far as your military service goes, I would think long about that. Our moods come and go, but you want to keep in mind what will be good for your future. I am not up on ramifications of leaving early, just suggesting to take it into account.
And any form of creative expression is bound to help you along your growth journey. Good luck, Jon:)
Having said that, the book is called Fish and it may not be as intelligient as Viktor Frankle, or Steven Covey (both whom I am not familiar with) but I came to the same point as you are trying to express. You have choices, you can choose to how to react to any situation (which right now, I am finding is so incredibly important to being successful)
What I realized from this book is this, and I am sure youve heard this statement before.
Life is too short.
This statement hits me like a wall everytime I think about it. Do I really want to spend the rest of my life wondering how much better life would be had I never had a Cleft Lip/palate? OR! do I want to go make the BEST of what I have?
As far as the dating spectrum is concerned, I have no perfect solution, but what I can say is this: I can see the good and bad in people. When men look at me and think I am ugly, I think that they are superficial, and that is someone that I do not want to know, because I know that I am so much more than that and I need to be with someone who has more substance.
People who are superficial lead boring lives. I want to lead an interesting one. Its simple.
But having said that, I still struggle with my cleft when it comes to dating, but if I look back on my history of mates I smile, because I have been with handsome men, men that superficial women would wonder why a man like that is with ME. Handsome men.handsome men who have wanted me (and some of them didnt have me ;)
That answer is simply this: LOVE YOURSELF (how can you love anyone else if you dont love yourself?) know your VALUES, have SUBSTANCE, as well as PATIENCE also! Oh and the most important part: CONFIDENCE (not arrogance) is the sexiest thing anyone can ever have. That equation is viral and I am sure you will attraction a mate that will rock your world, and if they dont, dont be codependiant, because you should be selfish (to a degree) in knowing what you want out of life (thats where the confidence kicks in)
You seem like an intelligent and loving person, I wish the best to you Jon you will find love if you let it.
topaz, I am finding that as I contemplate getting out of the military, I question what there is I will be doing that will engage me as fully. It's a harder question than I expected.
Cspot, thank you for your passionate encouragement. It's great to hear that from somebody with a cleft who has navigated the world of relationships and knows their own worth.. The book sounds interesting to me, and all the better if it is simple and to the point. Coincidentally, the Stephen Covey book which heavily influenced me (The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People) also focuses heavily on business.